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I have a confession to make: pretty much every time I complete a project or achieve a goal or do something that feels big, I am tempted to celebrate. I have always loved the idea of celebrating success and am always eager to let myself in on the celebration-action.
My celebration-temptations have often been something I can buy - a book, a new dress, a massage - and my thinking would go something like: “Every time I read/wear/relive this, I’ll remember how hard I worked to earn it!” But the flaw in this way of celebrating would hit me not too soon after the book hit my doorstep/the dress arrived/the massage was over. It's not that I didn't like the book/dress/massage. And it's not that I didn't enjoy reading/wearing/experiencing it. It’s just that owning or having it never felt like as much of a celebration as those few seconds of buying it. My point here isn’t about buyer’s remorse. It’s about the false emotional weight we give to things, and our own self-serving ideas of what we do – or don’t – “deserve.” I know this is a tricky balance. We don’t want to be misers, and we shouldn’t be cheap with ourselves. But there is a slippery slope we start sliding down when we begin to link achieving and getting. When we start to expect prizes with milestones. When we fill our baskets every time we fill our quotas. (When we start to walk dangerously close to the edge of becoming entitled little you-know-whats, basically…) Now, I’ve always been pretty good about money. I don’t spend extravagantly (unless it’s on good quality produce or coffee… what I ingest literally becomes a part of my body, so I think it’s worth the extra investment) and I am always vaguely aware of my future old-age so don’t want to be debt-laden or dependent. (It all adds up, and we can start from wherever we are and need to protect what we already have.) BUT, there is also a sleeping consumerist in me that I have to keep on a leash because I love pretty things and good design in all its forms. And I have to keep myself from using my success as an excuse to unleash that beast. Because it’s never about the thing, is it? It’s about what the thing symbolizes. (Even Olympic medals aren’t prized for the thing, the medal. The gold in a gold medal is only worth $500-$600 which isn't exactly what athletes spend their lives training for. It’s what the medal symbolizes - ie being the best on that day - that they care about). And because things are used as symbols, we get to choose what they symbolize. We get to choose what things mean to us. This is not a light responsibility. So what do we do? Well, what we started to do over here at Patel-Brown HQ is keep it simple. We treat ourselves most of the time by not being hyper-consumers, but by truly enjoying the little things: takeaway from Nandos, a cheeky mid-week visit to the cinema, drinking Tesco pineapple juice in our best wine glasses – clink! – on the swing seats on our balcony. Because it’s never about the thing. It’s about the emotion and the memory, and being adult enough to know that what we buy doesn’t in any way reflect our worth or ability or success so much as it can showcase our insecurities and need for external validation. This is a bit of a tough-love message because I see so many people squander their wealth in celebration of it (and I am still tempted every now and then to do so too!). But that’s not very adult of us, now is it? So on this late-February morning, let’s start recognizing things for what they are. Let’s try to take joy in the “small” things (because in the end, the small things are often the "big" things really…) And let's remember that the goal isn't really the goal anyway. So instead of celebrating the result, maybe we celebrate the process, celebrate ourselves for sticking with the process, and let that be enough. Let who we are becoming on our way to achievement and success – without any bells or gifts or parades or stuff – be enough.
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Last week I shared with you my top tips for Capturing Your Year, and promised to share with you my biggest lessons learned as I capture mine. So without further ado, here we go:
1 - It takes ten years to become an "overnight" success. This year was a mega year for me: I published a book (which quickly became a global best-seller!), I spoke at 47 different events, was flown to 9 different countries, was a guest on 20 different podcasts, delivered projects for some of the world's biggest brands, and was on the cover of a magazine. But behind all of this seemingly-sudden success were years and years and years and YEARS of groundwork. Of doing free speaking events before I got paid for them. Of pitching myself before clients started coming to me. Of writing for the love and joy of it before getting a book deal. And while I am so much closer now to making the positive impact and having the reach that I want to make and have, I am still not totally there. But I know there is no fast track. There is no "overnight" success. There is always work to be done. And I have to keep doing the doing, event when the results feel elusive. Because success takes time. And it takes its own time. 2 - Managing our emotions is one of the hardest and most essential skills to master. During this very big year, I've had really high highs and really low lows. There have been heart-shredding tragedies, spirit-soaring achievements, and every accompanying emotion between those two extremes. And while I usually see it as an asset that I feel the feels so intensely, it can also be exhausting. And every human being I have worked with struggles with this too. Managing our emotions - our fire, our intensity - is hard. But we have to do it. Because our emotions don't always serve us. They are often a habitual reaction instead of a considered response; an animal brain instinct instead of human brain thoughtfulness; an ego-savior, instead of achievement-enabler. And for me, managing them takes practice (and a commitment to doing things like taking deep breaths in the moment, building in ample alone time, focusing on what I can control instead of obsessing over all the annoying/stupid/ridiculous/slow/illogical/unjust/maddening things I can't). If we don't learn to manage our emotions they will, of course, manage us. 3 - Don't wait for a vacation to recharge. As you've probably guessed, I am a high-energy, high-intensity person. When I am "on", I am on. And my work requires me to be "on" quite a lot: I help organizations solve big problems, I mentor leaders, I speak in front of audiences. (And some days, I solve big problems, mentor leaders, and speak in front of audiences and then whiplash into parent-mode without a spare minute to pee or inhale a Snickers!) But the only way I can sustain my pace is because I build in time to refill my batteries regularly throughout the day, instead of trying to cram it all into a vacation. My form of recharging can be anything from watching some silly TV (Ghosts is a recent frivolous favouite), running an errand, ordering takeaway for lunch, or simply reading a book late into the night so the only person I am "on" for is myself. Because if I don't remember to recharge, my body will finds ways to remind me: I'll get a sore throat, my joints will start to hurt, my neck will get tight, and no number of massages will be able to work out the Gordian knots in my shoulders. So don't wait for the knots (I have to remind myself... and maybe you too?). Take 10 minutes (or 30 or 90...), and recharge now. However you can. I'll be back next week with my next installment of Lessons Learned in 2022, so watch this space. I don't know about you, but I love this time of year. For me, it's a time for reflection and review and recalibration, and that’s why this week I wanted to share with you one of the most valuable tools from my personal tradecraft toolkit: Capturing Your Year.
Now, I hear so many people talk about their year like it ran away from them or that it felt like a “throw away” year. But even when the pace of life feels relentless, we grow and change and make progress. It’s just that we're not used to registering that growth or change or progress concretely. And what a waste that is. What a waste to look at a day, a week, a month, a year and think “I’m glad that’s over” or "There's so much still left to do" or "Where the heck did the time go". But instead of despairing or wondering, here's what you can do instead: 1 - Block out a 60-120 minute chunk of time in your calendar before the end of the year where you can be distraction-free and interruption free. Go somewhere quiet, peaceful, and enjoyable, and bring a journal or a pad of paper (or computer) with you. 2 - Review your calendar. Literally look at every single day from 1 January to now and look at all the meetings you had, appointments you made, people you met with, webinars you attended, events you went to, vacations you took, conferences you participated in, projects you started, etc, and start mentally reliving some of those moments. This will: a) remind you of just how-damned-much you did this year, and b) start to prompt your brain for what comes next. 3 - Capture your biggest lessons learned, mistakes made, and successes achieved. Write it all down in as much detail as possible and sit and reflect. Let the successes sink in. Let the accomplishments and holidays and all the FUN things you did sink in. And let the mistakes and the lessons you learned from making them sink in, too. 4 - Distill the above into your “Top Lessons Learned” (ideally 10-15). And think about any changes you want/need to make in your work, life, relationships, health, etc that will make it harder for you to repeat any mistakes and easier for you to move forward better, smarter, stronger. 5 - Make concrete plans. If any of those changes require other people’s input (in your business, say), or if there is anything you need to eliminate or adapt or add (a new gym membership, for example), then PLAN IT INTO YOUR CALENDAR and think about how you will integrate your lessons learned in the year to come. 6 - And finally, if you are feeling generous, share your list. You can share it with friends, family, co-workers, or just a trusted friend. But I find that by sharing our lessons, we relearn them and they get embedded that much deeper. It’s also a really nice way to make sure that others around us can learn from our experiences, good and not-so-good. 7 - Repeat each year! I have done this exercise every year for almost a decade, and each time I do it, I am forced to to confront hard facts (instead of my unreliable memory) and am reminded of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, how much I’ve grown, and how much I’ve done. In one short year. Our memories are painfully inadequate at remembering things accurately, and too often we think a year (month/week/day) was a “waste” when a Capture Your Year exercise proves it was anything but. So don’t rely on your memory. Join me this December as I sit down to capture the year, crystalize key lessons and takeaways, and embed the lessons into next year. I’ll be sharing my Lessons Learned with you starting next week, so stay tuned! A few weeks ago, I shared some ideas for how all of us can increase our income in small but immediate ways, and this week I'd like to talk about wealth.
You see, one of the main misconceptions about wealth is that you can tell who is wealthy: the rich look rich and act rich and live where you think they would live (Kensington, Bel Air, Central Park West). But the reality couldn't be further from that perception. The vast majority of America's millionaires (people with NET wealth of $1 million+) live, well, next door, in middle-class or sometimes working-class neighborhoods. They drive Fords, wear Timex or Seiko watches (I love Seikos!), and have a net wealth that they could live off of for more than 10 years without doing anything. They prioritize financial freedom over conspicuous consumption and live well below their means. And you know what else? The people we think are wealthy because of what they wear or drive or earn are often as likely to be living paycheck to paycheck as their lower-earning counterparts. A big income means nothing for wealth if you spend what you earn, as so many people do. So why am I sharing this? Well, one of the reasons is that wealth is something that so many of us strive for. Some of us may have started our businesses or chosen our career paths to become wealthy and financially independent (PSA: and that's ok! Money isn't evil... what people do for it and with it can be, but money is just an object). But sometimes it's easy to forget that we can build wealth now, from where we already are, if we are willing to do what the unseen majority of millionaires do: spend less than we earn, not increase our liabilities even when our assets increase, and have a wealth building plan that isn't over-reliant on any one asset class. We can do all of this whether we are in the early stages of our careers or are already 9-figure unicorns and CEOs. And the other reason I think it's important to know about the millionaires next door is so we can burst any bubbles about who we need to become to "look the part" of being rich. Because the thing is, we don't have to change anything. We can all become millionaires from where we are, living in the same house, wearing the same mix of fast fashion and high fashion (or no fashion!), and cruising in our 2002 Honda Accord if we want to be. We don't have to eat at Michelin-starred restaurants, know a lot about wine, summer in the Hamptons, wear designers clothes, or "act rich" in any of the ways Hollywood and society tells us rich people act. In order to be wealthy, to become millionaires - or multi-millionaires - we don't have to change, but our habits do. Many years ago, I met an early-stage business owner who was quite literally working himself into a heart attack and seeing nothing of his family because - as he put it - "I want to build a legacy for my family."
And it hit me then, and it hits me now, as I see so many others make this same mistake. That is: ignoring the very people or things they care about, while telling themselves what they are doing is for those people or those things. And I get it. As humans with drive and vision and ambition, we want to build and grow and change the world. And through all that building and growing and world-changing, we can lose daily sight of what is important forever, and what we have right now. We can forget to enjoy our snippets of free time while we work hard to buy back our time. We can squander precious opportunities to be present with loved ones in our pursuit to build a legacy for them. We can forget who we are doing all this for - or why we are doing it - while they, or it, are right in front of us. Getting the balance right, however we define "right", can be a struggle. There are always trade-offs to make and priorities to juggle in the precious minutes we get each day. But in our frenzied minds and hectic days, let's remember that we can be content with what we have, without being complacent about what we still want. And let's remember who or what we are doing all this growing and building and achieving for. And protect and cherish it along the way. Last week I hit a major milestone towards a physical goal I'd set for myself this year: I did six chin-ups in a row without stopping (my goal is to get to seven... so close!). And after I hit six, my first reaction was "Yes!!! I just reached a personal best." But hot on the heels of my mini-celebration came a second thought: "But I didn't fully extend each time, so it doesn't really count."
And as I finished that thought, I had to check myself. Because - perhaps like many people - more often than I'd like, I find myself qualifying my achievements instead of owning them. You might find you do this too. Someone will tell you what a great job you did on something and you'll immediately reply "Ugh, but I was so nervous" or "But I totally messed up on that one part..." Or you might hit a financial target but then tell yourself "It doesn't really count because it's turnover, not profit" or "It's already earmarked for that new project, so nets out..." And while we may not have extended all the way down, or did mess up a bit, or did "just" increase our turnover instead of our profit, the success still counts. Of course it does. But by continually qualifying or minimizing or discounting our achievements, we qualify and minimize and discount ourselves. We tell ourselves we are not enough. That nothing we do will ever be enough (and do we really need another voice giving us that message?!). And that constant feeling of lack, of not "really" measuring up is toxic. To our goals, our ambitions, and to every cell of our being. And we need to cut that shit out. So the next time you find yourself rushing to take your successes away from yourself, check yourself and then correct yourself. Yes, there is always more work to do and maybe something you could have done better. But remember: six is six, great is great, and enough is enough. You did it. Now own it. Ahhhhhh... I love this slow period between Christmas and new year. It's quiet, it's relaxed, and it seems perfectly designed for lazy days at home after all the frantic activity of the year that's passed.
Whenever I go into seasonal hibernation-mode, I binge-watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine (or whatever TV series I am usually the last to awaken to!) and binge-read for fun (I'm currently going through a delightfully dark Finnish writer's books). Whatever your down time looks like, I hope it rejuvenates you and reminds you that it's okay to do things just for you from time to time, just because you can. And that sometimes, the world and our businesses can wait - or need to wait - while we recharge. I would love to be a part of your emotional and physical "top up" time, so I thought I'd share some of my most popular articles. These are the articles that you commented on, shared, liked, and talked about the most. For newer members of our community, I hope you enjoy these for the first time, and for all of you who have been here with me from the beginning, I hope you get a new insight, takeaway, or ah-ha moment the second time around (I know I do!)... >>Trolls, Haters, and Anonymous Negativity>> >>Run Your Own Race>> >>The Data-Driven Life>> >>The Millionaire Next Door>> >>The Life of the Mind>> >>Not Balance, but Harmony>> >>Sur-thrive-al Skills>> >>Fire Your Clients>> Happy reading, happy holidays, and happy (almost!) new year! I was standing in front of my closet the other day packing for a work trip when out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a hideously ugly dress that made me smile and then laugh hysterically.
The dress in question is extra-wide A-line with poofy white sleeves, life-sized faces of strangers covering the front and back, and has two large slits near the neck for a harness. Oh, and it's made of made of neoprene. Now before you question my sanity - or lifestyle choices - for owning a dress that comes with a harness, let me hasten to explain that it was the dress I wore for the Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics. The ugliness of that dress makes it all the more endearing, because from so much ugly came so much beauty: I became friends with three amazing creatives who were fellow volunteers, and am still close friends with them now. And I got to be a part of a once-in-a-lifetime event in an up-close-and-personal way. I mean when else was I going to be in a world-class sports stadium rubbing elbows with world-class athletes? Being a volunteer for the London 2012 opening and closing ceremonies was one of the best adventures of my life. And I spent that summer eating horrible boxed lunches (cheese sandwiches, Pringles, and Nature Valley bars EVERY DAY for two months) instead of doing the "smart" thing for my career, which would have been to get an internship with a top-tier consulting firm (I was an MBA student at the time). But I didn't choose "smart" that summer, I consciously chose adventure. Because one of the guiding principles I try to live my life by is to always say yes to adventure. My friends, life gets shorter each day, and as high-achievers with big ambitions, we can get so consumed with achieving and doing and growing and learning and accolade-collecting that sometimes we forget about fun. Sometimes we forget that we need work AND play (even when work already feels like play). And sometimes we forget that adventure can come around every day if we are open to seeing it. I'm not advocating hedonism or the mindless pursuit of new-ness or throwing responsibility to the wind. What I am encouraging is that we at least consider saying yes the next time adventure comes by our door. It might come in the guise of a new business venture. Or a book idea. Or a trip to Nashville. Or a walk around that museum we pass everyday. Or confessing to someone how we truly feel about them (good or bad!). Or having a conversation with a total stranger who strikes us as interesting. Going on an adventure isn't about bungee jumping and sky diving; it's about finding the thrilling aspects of the things we encounter every day and letting ourselves be thrilled by them. It's about (at least sometimes) choosing joy over ROI. About saying yes sometimes when we might otherwise have said no. And for me, it's also about living the type of life that will take me on all the physical, emotional, and mental highs and lows I can cram into my brief time on this amazing planet. So, as you look to the week ahead, and the weekend, and next month, and next year, what adventure will you say yes to? What adventure will you allow into your life that will stretch you, grow you, nurture you, or simply make you smile, then laugh, when you look in your closet of life? I'd love to hear all about it. We've all heard the saying "A penny saved is a penny earned", but in my family, my mom often reminded us that "A penny saved is two pennies earned..." What she meant by that, I think, was that earning is the hard part so saving what we earn and being smart about how we spend/invest it is worth twice as much as simply earning more. (She may also have been thinking about pre-tax and post-tax money, but I never clarified!)
And I think of that Patel-family wisdom often, especially whenever I am looking to grow, introduce something new, or "do big things" in my businesses. Because it's so easy to chase after shiny new-ness for shiny new-ness's sake, but I've found that it's usually better to focus on protecting what I already have before I go looking for more. Now as business owners, we all know that it takes money to make money. There's no escaping that. But there is a difference between spending money (throwing it at something new for new-ness's sake, for example) and investing it (protecting what you already have). The trouble is far too many people do the former instead of the latter. When was the last time you sat down with your P&Ls and looked at where your money was being spent or invested? When was the last time you looked carefully at all of the big and small costs and worked hard to eliminate the unnecessary or negotiate the price of the essential? When was the last time you reviewed your prices? Or chased up missed payments? Or went to the bank to cash that check sitting on your desk? Or simply decided NOT to throw money at a problem and think about a better solution instead? I get it. There is always so much to do and there are so many pulls on our time and attention and energy, but if we're not careful, we can start to take our business for granted and neglect the important things. As in all relationships, our relationship with our business and our money and our customers needs to be nurtured and attended to ALL THE TIME or it will suffer. Protecting what we already have means closing the door on Neglect's smug little face. Neglect wants you to think it's okay not to review your financial statements because that's what your accountant or bookkeeper is paid to do. Neglect wants you to think new customers are sexy and seductive unlike your boring old customers at home. Neglect whispers oh so sweetly in your ear about expansion and growth and new-ness that your body tingles at the thought... But what Neglect fails to confide while slowly courting your business brain is how potentially deflating and expensive and fruitless all of his advice could be! (Who put Neglect on your Board of Advisors anyway?) When I sat down and regularly started reviewing my costs and P&Ls, my profits almost literally exploded. Because I am committed to keeping my existing clients happy, they are great brand ambassadors who stay with me for years. And due to the focus I put on treating my suppliers like equals and partners, I get priority service in return. All of these things took time and effort, sure, but it is time and effort invested, not spent, in protecting what I already have. I front-loaded the hard work of building a business, getting customers, establishing great service delivery mechanisms, finding reliable suppliers, and building relationships and consistently told Neglect to hit the road. So the next time you find yourself itching to run a new marketing campaign to get more customers, or reaching for the phone to buy a new asset because the old one just won't do, or strategizing how to do more, more, more in your business, stop yourself and consider whether you could do more with what you already have (make more profit from the income you already have, offer more to the customers you already have...) and whether your business wouldn't be better off if you did. Less sometimes really is more. And protecting what you already have is often the best, smartest, and easiest thing to do. Back in the early days of starting my business, I remember having some ugly moments. I would find myself looking around at the other entrepreneurs I knew and wishing for a piece of their action. There always seemed to be someone else doing more, making more, and achieving more than I was. And when I wasn't careful, those comparisons would deflate me and cause me to wonder if I should just give up and throw in the towel.
Maybe you've felt that way, too? Maybe you've watched friends, colleagues, family members, anyone else do or achieve something you wanted to and started to hate them for it (even if you never tried)? Success can feel hard, and when you're climbing up a hill, it's so easy to look at others and think of how much easier/better/luckier they have it, and then to want some of that for yourself too. But from the time we are born, we are never told how to handle jealousy. We're never given the tools to manage it responsibly. But like so many things in life, jealously doesn't have to be bad. It's just a feeling. And it's what we do with that feeling that makes it "good" or "bad." When I was in my jealous-woes all those years ago, my partner said to me: "It's normal to be jealous, but don't leave it at that. What can you learn from their success that will help you create success for yourself?" And just like that, I was given a formula to turn something ugly and destructive into something productive and helpful. Jealousy is okay. We don't have to wallow in despair and self-pity when we see others being successful. We don't have to see their success as a reason to give up on our own. (There is enough success out there for all of us). We don't have to quit just because someone else already did what we want to do. And we don't have to stop just because someone else is ahead of us. We can choose to be inspired instead of jealous. We can choose to open up instead of shut down. We can choose to see a role model instead of a rival. And most important, we can choose to use our envy to fuel us and drive us instead of stopping us in our tracks. It's not easy, but it can be that simple. We can use our envy for good. When I was at the CIA, one of our core mission values was “speaking truth to power.” This wasn’t just a nicety plastered on the walls. This was something we all were called on to live each day in big and small ways. Sometimes that meant pushing back against a supervisor’s opinion, other times that meant telling the President of the United States that a specific policy simply wasn’t working.
It was uncomfortable and awkward and sometimes terrifying, but there was a strong culture of being honest, of “knowing the truth and letting the truth make you free,” even when that truth hurt. Sure, there were times when we did this imperfectly, and times when we did it messily, or less fully, but we did it. And that’s how it is for our personal values too. We have to live them for them to count as being ours. If we say we value family, but spend our whole day working (even if it’s work we enjoy and care about) and only show up for bedtimes and mealtimes, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value our health, but eat whatever pre-wrapped garbage is easiest to swallow because we’re so busy with other things that we can’t eat actual food, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value integrity, but always cut corners or do things half-assed because we can’t be bothered to give it our all, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. And - truth bomb alert - if we say we value ourselves, but don’t look after our health, don’t go to the doctor about that niggling thing, don’t invest in ourselves, don’t stand up for ourselves, and don’t tell that inner voice in our heads to shut up when she’s being a banshee about how we look or how we perform, that’s not living our values. We definitely don’t get to claim that one. We don’t get to say we value family, health, integrity, ourselves and then live differently. That’s not how it works. Either we’re honest about how we are living and say we really value work, junk food, expedience, and being shitty to ourselves OR we change our behavior and get to claim the values that we want to have (family, health, integrity, ourselves). Too often we overcomplicate things. We are hypocrites about things. And we keep intangible things like values too intangible. But if we say we care about something, then we have to show we care about it with what we do everyday. It is as simple as that. "I have so much lost time to make up for!"
That is one of the refrains I hear more and more as we come to the end of this difficult year. It is hard not to feel like 2020 was a wasted year, when so much has been taken and so much focus has been on what we can't do and who we can't see. But one of the lessons I hope stays with us from this annus horribilis is a new appreciation for what we DO have, instead of waiting for it to be taken away from us before we realize how lucky we are. As people with drive and vision, we can sometimes be so focused on the void, on what is missing or left to be done. We want to build and grow and change the world and be our own boss and through all that achieving and goal-orienteering, we can lose daily sight of what is important forever, and what we have right now. We can forget to enjoy our snippets of free time while we work hard to buy back our time. We can squander precious opportunities to be present with loved ones in our pursuit to build a legacy for them. We can forget who we are doing all this for - or why we are doing it - while they, or it, are right in front of us. And we can sometimes, maybe often-times, neglect ourselves and our health. Getting the balance right, however we define "right", can be a struggle. There are always trade-offs to make and priorities to juggle in the precious minutes we get each day. But in our frenzied minds and hectic days, let's make sure we make a point to take time and pause for reflection. To be thankful. To appreciate. To be present. To take care. And to be there - wherever that elusive "there" is - now, in whatever way we can. Success is no substitute for health. And achievement is no substitute for love. Instead of speeding up and cramming in more to make up for "lost" time, let's remember to sometimes slow down and do less and make the most of the time we have, the people we have, the success we have. And let's remember who or what we are doing all this growing and building and achieving for, and protect and cherish it along the way. One of the things I've realized recently is that for many founders, one of the hardest things we have to do is put ourselves "out there." This could be our posts on LinkedIn or social media, speaking at events, pitching ourselves to investors, asking for the sale from a client, or any of the other marketing or business development and reputation-building activities we engage in.
It can feel uncomfortable, awkward, palpitation-inducing, and even terrifying. What-if's start to flood our brains: What if they say no, What if they laugh, What if they reject me, What if they think the idea is stupid, What if they think I'm stupid, What if I make a fool of myself... and on and on and on. I get it. I have been there too. And as women, we have the added burden of society's pressures telling us we have to be perfect, we have to look a certain way, we have to behave a certain way, we have to be 100% sure of everything. It's a double-standard that plays in the back of our minds any time we strive, reach, consider, or try for something or move outside our comfort zones. We take society's impossible standards, mix them up with our own, and paralyze ourselves. But in these moments of should-I-stay-small-or-really-go-for-it, it's crucial that we remind ourselves that we chose to do what we are doing for a reason. We want to create something, contribute something, improve something, help someone, add value, see what we are made of, see what we can make. We are do-ers and creators and value-adders. And every time we keep ourselves to ourselves, every time we shrink from raising our hands or our voices, every time we talk ourselves out of a seat at The Table, or don't post that article or don't apply for that award, every time we stay in our box, we are being selfish and serving no one. Because the world needs what we have to offer, but no one will ever find us, hear us, be lifted by us, helped by us or our products, or inspired by us if we don't put ourselves out there. To quote the brilliant Abby Wambach, "Imperfect men have been empowered and permitted to run the world since the beginning of time. It's time for imperfect women to grant themselves permission to join them." So let's go out there and share our sparkling imperfect radiance with the world exactly as we are and as big and shiny as we can be. Let's go out there and be bold, be ourselves, and be visible. Amongst all of the broader social conversations happening recently around worth and wealth and access and fairness, what has galled me the most is that too many of us are still having to ask for permission to access the illusory "level playing field" and "equal protection" others enjoy implicitly.
For women, pay gaps, VC funding patterns, systemic biases, and a whole matrix of external structures keep us persistently under-represented in positions of power and keep us poorer than men. The statistics are depressing and universal, and all of the unpaid work we do robs us further of our potential wealth and influence. But we can, and have to, do something about this. From demanding what we are worth to paying ourselves properly, the work starts with each of us. We need to get better at getting actual cash, and we need to stop telling ourselves we can't afford to invest in ourselves or our businesses. There are a few simple things we can do right now to give ourselves more money and therefore more options and more of a say:
My dear Entreprenoras, the world already de-prioritizes us and minimizes our worth, but we shouldn't do that to ourselves. Let's have those difficult money conversations with co-founders or partners or suppliers, let's plan for our financial futures, let's learn what we need to learn, and let's start building our financial fortresses so that no one can ever, ever pull us down. [Get started with some of the books about money and wealth here.] Money isn't the answer to everything, but having more control over more of it gives us the freedom to do more of the good we want to do in the world and in our lives. So let's stop with the status quo and start paying ourselves and owning our worth. Cha. Ching. I am slightly travel-weary and sleep-deprived at the moment having been in New York, Sheffield, and Birmingham this past week and eaten far more bad food on trains and planes than I care to think about.
But one of the biggest benefits of all this travel has been the time I have had to read books that have been collecting the electronic equivalent of dust on my Kindle. And the gem I am 6% through at the moment is called The Millionaire Next Door. Now, already there are some fantastic takeaways (I won't share too much because it is definitely worth reading... and I am only 6% into it), but the fact that comes up again and again and again in this exhaustively researched book is that the people with NET wealth over a million are almost never who we think they are. One of the main misconceptions about wealth is that you can tell who is wealthy: the rich look rich and act rich and live where you think they would live (Kensington, Bel Air, Central Park West). But the reality couldn't be further from that perception. It seems the great bulk of America's millionaires (the book is only about the US) live, well, next door, in middle-class or sometimes working-class neighborhoods. They drive Fords, wear Timex or Seiko watches (I love Seikos!), and have a net wealth that they could live off of for more than 10 years without doing anything. They prioritize financial freedom over conspicuous consumption and live well below their means. And you know what else? The people we think are wealthy because of what they wear or drive or earn are often as likely to be living paycheck to paycheck as their lower-earning counterparts. A big income means nothing for wealth if you spend what you earn, as so many people do. So why am I sharing this? Well, one of the reasons is that wealth is something that so many of us strive for. Some of us may even have started our businesses to become wealthy and financially independent and have big plans for when we finally "make it." But sometimes it's easy to forget that we can build wealth now, from where we already are, if we are willing to do what the unseen majority of millionaires do: spend less than we earn, not increase our liabilities even when our assets increase, and have a wealth building plan that isn't over-reliant on any one asset class. We can do all of this whether we are in the bootstrapping phase of our business or are already 9-figure unicorns-in-the making. Another reason is because I see and mentor so many entrepreneurs who don't have a financial "runway", or have a plan for getting one, before they get started. All entrepreneurs need a "war chest" to cover their expenses until their business becomes profitable, but not enough think about the sacrifices that are needed to make that happen. They keep spending like they used to (eating out, holidaying with friends, living as if nothing has changed) and run out of money before their business can support them, and then have to scramble for a Plan B or go back to working for someone else. Many of the entrepreneurs I know who have given up gave up because they ran out of runway, not necessarily because they had a bad idea. And finally, I want to burst any bubbles (mine as much as anyone else's) about what we think needs to happen before we can be financially free. One of the reasons I founded Entreprenora is because I want to help more women become financially independent and normalize wealth for women. But the bad habits we have when we are "poor" or "dependent" will follow us when we become wealthy and independent, so we need to start now, wherever we are, and start doing what millionaires do. For me, over the years that has meant saying no to a LOT of social engagements or outings, prioritizing quality over quantity in everything I buy, and tuning out the pressure to live an Instagram-able life of conspicuous consumption (it helps that I largely shun social media). Have I become a miser who lives off Wheatabix, dresses in rags, and doesn't have any friends? Nope (or at least I don't think so!). I just make smarter choices as often as I can and have learned to invest more than I spend. And the final, more uplifting, reason the book has already captivated me is that if real millionaires don't look or act or live where we expect them to, then I don't have to either. We can all become millionaires from where we are, living in the same house, wearing the same mix of fast fashion and high fashion (or no fashion!), and cruising in our 2002 Honda Accord. As Denise Duffield-Thomas says, you are what a wealthy woman looks like. You don't have to change. But your habits do. When I started my first business, I did things as best I could at that time. I look back on that time and smile because what I did then is a far cry from what I do now. It’s not that it was ever bad, it’s just that as my business grew, as my resources grew, as I grew, my standards and execution grew and improved with me.
You can only ever work with what you have. And when you are first starting a business you are most likely going to be resource-scarce, time-pressed, and ability-short. This isn’t a condemnation, it’s a description. Of course when you are bootstrapping you can’t be extravagant. Of course when you are the founder, CEO, CMO, CFO, COO, secretary, admin assistant, and caterer all in one you don’t have time for nice-to-haves. Of course when you are just starting out you don’t know what you don’t know and you get better only through trial and error and hard-won experience. Of course! You can only work with what you have, and do the best you can with what you have at any given time. And then, when you have a little bit more, you can do a little bit more. When you’ve learned a little bit more, you can improve a little bit more. It is that simple. It is so easy to get stuck in the mindset of I want it all right now or It worked well before so I’m not going to change. But even if you don’t change, your world will change around you. The market will change, your competitors will change, your customer’s expectations will change, best practices will change, industry benchmarks will change… It will all change, change, change and change some more. So why let yourself or your business stagnate? You don’t have to blindly follow what changes around you, but you do need to have the strength to admit when there might be a better way and always try – at least try – to improve. Your business is not a finished product. It is not something that you birth and then leave alone. It is not something that is created perfectly-formed. There is almost always room for improvement, room for updating, room for more (or less), or room, simply, for better. So whether it’s your services or your product, your outlook on life or your abilities, your mindset or your physical health – or all of the above – why not commit to improving what you can when you can? Why not commit to trying as much as you can to be the best you can? Why not? It won’t always be possible, or perfect, or smooth, and we all have bad days (or weeks, or months… or maybe even years), but at least put improvement on your radar. At least reflect on what might need improving. At least think about when it might be possible to get even just 1% better. At least try. It won't always be easy, but it can be that simple. I'm spending HOW much on utilities?! And what the hell is THAT expense for?..."
That was me, screaming at my P&L statement a few years ago. I had finally hired a bookkeeper and was (geekily) excited to start interrogating the numbers that underpinned my business. I have always loved math and numbers and order and neatness, and squealed with delight when I got the first P&L statement in my inbox.... until I was slapped in the face by reality. It seemed that some costs were far greater than I had realized and far greater than I wanted them to be. From utilities to small admin fees for various products and subscriptions, my tight little ship suddenly seemed to have dozens of little holes of various sizes that were all pouring out sweet, sweet cash. It wasn't exactly the Titanic, but my stomach definitely sank when I saw how much cash was going in the wrong direction... Now as business owners and founders, we all know that it takes money to make money. There's no escaping that. But there is a difference between spending money (throwing it away or at something new for new-ness's sake) and investing it (improving or protecting what you already have). The trouble is far too many founders do the former instead of the latter. When was the last time you sat down with your P&Ls and looked at where your money was being spent or invested? When was the last time you looked carefully at all of the big and small costs and worked hard to eliminate the unnecessary or negotiate the price of the essential? When was the last time you reviewed your prices? Or chased up missed payments? Or went to the bank to cash that check sitting on your desk? Or simply decided NOT to throw money at a problem and think about a better solution instead? I get it. There is so much to do and there are so many pulls on our time and attention and energy, but if we're not careful, we can start to take our business for granted and neglect the important things. As in all relationships, our relationship with our business and our money and our customers needs to be nurtured and attended to ALL THE TIME or it will suffer. Protecting what we already have means closing the door on Neglect's smug little face. Neglect wants you to think it's okay not to review your financial statements because that's what your accountant or bookkeeper is paid to do. Neglect wants you to think new customers are sexy and seductive unlike your boring old customers at home. Neglect whispers oh so sweetly in your ear about expansion and growth and new-ness that your body tingles at the thought... But what Neglect fails to confide while slowly courting your business brain is how potentially deflating and expensive and fruitless all of his advice could be! (Who put Neglect on your Board of Advisors anyway?) When I sat down and regularly started reviewing my costs and P&Ls, my profit almost literally exploded. Because I am committed to keeping existing clients and Members happy, they are great brand ambassadors. And because I treat my suppliers and partners like equals, I get priority service in return. All of these things took time and effort, sure, but it is time and effort invested, not spent, in protecting what I have. I front-loaded the hard work of building a business, getting customers, establishing great service, finding reliable suppliers, and building relationships and consistently told Neglect to hit the road. So the next time you find yourself itching to run a new marketing campaign to get more customers, or reaching for the phone to buy a new asset because the old one just won't do, or strategizing how to do more, more, more in your business, stop yourself and consider whether you could do more with what you already have instead (make more profit from the income you already have, offer more to the customers you already have...) and whether your business wouldn't be better off if you did. Less sometimes really is more. Protecting what you already have is often the best and smartest thing to do. As the Patel-family version of the classic saying goes: "A penny saved is two pennies earned." So think carefully about all of the ways you can save and protect your pennies and all of the other hard and soft assets you already have. I am the first to admit that in this era of information overload, it can be a good idea to limit how much information we consume. It can even feel like a small act of protest against the tidal wave of data hitting us day after day. And who doesn't like being a rebel?
But if you are going to rebel, be a rebel WITH a cause. That means being selective about the information you let in, and choosing to consume only the information that will help you and your business grow, NOT ignoring everything. Some of what you need to know and learn will be engaging and enlightening (like these articles!), and some of it will be tedious and boring. That's just the way it is. But if you want to build a business and thrive, you have to be a smart consumer of information and a committed life-long learner about your industry. Again, that's just the way it is. So, how can you keep learning? Here are some easy tips:
So what are you going to learn? What magazine or podcast will you subscribe to? What action will you take to make sure you never stop learning? I have a confession to make: I am a people pleaser. I always have been. I was that kid in school who always got gold stars and straight-As. I was that annoying smarty-pants who would jump up and down in my chair with my hand thrust into the air to answer any question. I loved being the "teacher's pet" (and I was really good at it!), and that chronic-pleaser-syndrome has never gone away. (I think women suffer from people-pleasing more than men do, as we are socially and culturally encouraged to be accommodating and obliging - and sometimes called horrible names when we aren't -- but that's a topic for another day!).
Years ago when I was starting a business of my own, it felt like I never had enough hours in a day for myself, my health, my business, or my loved ones but somehow I still kept saying yes to requests and asks from other people, often total strangers. What was going on? I can't pinpoint exactly when it was, but I remember there finally coming a time when I read somewhere (I think it was Heather McGregor who writes the Mrs Moneypenny column in the FT) that it wasn't just okay to say no, it was essential. And that if something didn't directly support my personal or professional goals, then I should say no to it. It was like an epiphany. I suddenly felt the burden of my savior-syndrome start to lift. Of course I couldn't help everyone. No one can. We all have real constraints on our time and energy and need to be careful about how we invest that time and energy. The big and small things we say yes and no to have a very measurable impact on our lives and our success. Subtraction is often more important than addition. Saying no wasn't easy at first (and I still struggle with it now sometimes). Saying no to people who asked for help made me feel like a jerk. But as one of my favorite business writers Denise Duffield-Thomas says, we can give how, and however often, makes sense for us AND our businesses and create boundaries around that giving. I love that. Saying no isn't being mean or selfish, it's being realistic about the limits to how much I can and should give, and defining my "no's" and my giving clearly. So I've built generous giving into my business model: I do lots of free articles, You Tube videos, podcasts, webinars, and speaking engagements so I can help lots of people at the same time, and I do a set number of pro-bono hours to help a few budding entrepreneurs each year. And then, the rest of my time is devoted to private clients and our Members who I can help in a very targeted and tailored way. After years of giving indiscriminately, I designed boundaries into my business. I had to think hard about how I could say no but still help as many people as possible (there's that chronic-helper-syndrome again!) and help in a way that felt sustainable and generous instead of leaving me feeling vulnerable and exploited. But it took time, and thought, and some uncomfortable conversations for me to get (a little more) comfortable saying no, and now I am having a far greater impact on a far greater number of people. So in reality, saying no has allowed me to help more people and be more focused. Win-win. So what can you say no to? What boundaries can you establish so you can say no to some things and yes to others? What amount of no-saying is right for you AND your business? Warren Buffet didn't become hugely successful by investing in every business brought to him. He says no as a rule, and sparingly uses his yes's. (A great illustration of this is his "20-Punchcard Rule"... you can decide what your 20 punches will be in your business, in your personal life, in your health, etc, and say no to everything else.) Now I can't promise that by saying no you'll become the next Warren Buffet, but I CAN guarantee that when you get better at setting boundaries and saying no, you and your business will become more focused and disciplined, and focus and discipline are two of the key ingredients of success. So the next time you feel yourself tempted to say yes to something, take a minute and ask yourself if you should just say no instead. As all entrepreneurs and business owners know, in the beginning you do everything. Literally E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G: buy the printer toner, make client calls, delivery investor pitches, work on product development, make the coffee, post the job ads, and on and on and on and on... But at some point, we have to make a choice: we can continue to do everything ourselves OR we can grow our businesses. We can't do both. We have to start valuing our time...  Now, by valuing our time, I don't just mean that in an abstract sense of "time is precious" (which it is). I mean that in the very literal sense. What pound-value or dollar-value does your time have? This is an important thing to figure out because it can guide so many decisions when you are debating what to do in your business. (Hint: You can use your current or most recent salary as a benchmark, or ask other founders whose businesses are at the same stage as yours what they pay themselves to get an idea.) Let's say that once you've done the calculations, you arrive at an hourly rate of £75/hour. This is how much your time is currently worth. (Your calculations will probably have given you a different number, but we'll use this number for illustration purposes.) What this number very clearly tells you is that you should only focus on activities that are "worth" £45/hour (or more) OR activities that add £45 of value (or more) to your business. Put differently, this tells you that anything you can pay someone else to do for less than £45/hour is worth giving to someone else. [Note: I am NOT talking about exploiting people here. You should always pay a fair wage to anyone who works for you!] Your time is worth £45/hour, so you should do activities that merit that rate. If someone else can do a task you are currently doing for less than your hourly rate, then it is good leverage to use them instead of continuing to do the task yourself. Now I know it isn't always as straightforward as this and when you are bootstrapping your business, paying someone else is a very big consideration. But take some time to let this lesson sink in. And start thinking of ways you can stay focused on the £45/hour activities. It doesn't always mean hiring someone. You can delegate tasks to a software, a process, a better way of doing something, or to your co-founder! There are lots of ways to get things done in a way that doesn't have to cost you much or any money, but setting these things up takes time and thought, so gift yourself the headspace to think about how you can do things differently, better, or more efficiently and value your time. Your business won't move very far if keep doing everything yourself. "They're charging for the bread now?!!" That was my horrified exclamation a few weeks ago while I was having lunch with two of my business buddies. We were lunching at my favorite restaurant, where I had grown accustomed to eating copious amounts of fresh, warm sourdough bread and olive oil while waiting for my food to arrive. This time, however (and probably because of carb-hoarding customers like me!), they had made a subtle change to the menu. Innocuously printed right at the top: “Bread and oil - £2.50.” I was indignant. Outraged. Annoyed. “Well, guess I’m not having any bread then,” I said with a huff. It was then that one of them asked one of the most profound-yet-light questions I've ever been asked: “If you like the bread that much, just get it. Aren’t you worth £2.50?”  ...And as the simple enormity of what she had asked started to register, I found myself eating words that so often come spilling out of my mouth when something displeases me: "but it’s the principle…", and I found myself realizing again (yes, definitely again) that so often my “principles” make things harder or more unpleasant than they need to be (at best), or are a convenient disguise for wanting to feel morally superior (at worst). And I mean, come on, what principle am I appealing to here anyway? That food should be free (I’m not a communist!)? Or that things that once were free can never be charged for (of course not!). If I get value or pleasure, or both, from something then of course I can be charged for it and I should be willing to pay for it. This is basic economics, not a battle of principles. So, yes, I caved in and let the restaurant win (that’s how it felt anyway) and ordered the not-free-but-incredibly-delicious bread. And in the end, didn’t I win too? I got fresh, warm, yummy bread in limitless quantities, enjoyed my meal all the more, and got over a stupid hang-up about paying for something that used to be free. As those Mastercard adverts would say. Bread and oil: £2.50. Life lesson learned: Priceless. What are you being cheap about? What value or pleasure are you denying yourself by being cheap with yourself? Maybe you’re making excuses about why you can’t go to a favorite singer’s concert. Or maybe you’re trying to justify why you can’t afford to take a few days of much-needed time away from the office. Or maybe you’re just refusing to “splurge” on the good, juicy, red strawberries at the supermarket and end up buying the crunchy pale pink ones instead. If you need it, you have my permission to stop being cheap with yourself. I am definitely NOT saying you should overindulge or live beyond your means. But please stop giving yourself the scraps. These daily messages that we send ourselves about what we’re worth or what we deserve have a real impact on our lives. If we don’t think we’re worth good strawberries, why would anyone else? If we don’t value ourselves enough to take time off to recharge, why would anyone else? So often you get what you give. And by giving ourselves messages about what we do or don’t deserve, about what we are or aren’t worth, we let others give us the treatment that matches those messages. This isn’t just about bread or strawberries or concerts. This is about how we live our lives and the expectations we have for them. Start expecting more. Start treating yourself better. Old habits are hard to break, and these are things we have to work on all the time (my Breadgate example happened just a few weeks ago). But I know from my own experience that when I have started to treat myself better or with more kindness – even if just in the way I judge myself internally – then others have started to do the same. Not always, of course, but more often. Stop being cheap with yourself, and the world will be less cheap with you, too. Starting a business can be terrifying. When I got going, I was convinced that I would need a full squad of professionals to get me going: accountants, lawyers, HR consultants, marketing experts, and anyone else who had more experience than I did (which felt like pretty much everyone back then). Venturing out into the business world on your own can feel so big and confusing, but it doesn't mean spending big bucks on lots of specialists and experts. At least not at the beginning or all at once...  Most founders don't have a money fountain, and even if they do, should they be showering it on experts? (That is a question that comes up a lot with my coaching clients. They are often so overwhelmed - as I was when I started - that they think they need to hire expert after expert to get it right.)
But the thing is you don't; not always. The key is to hire the right experts at the right time. This is something that you learn with experience, but you can also talk to other founders in your industry and get a sanity check before you start writing checks. Do your due diligence. Get as smart as you can about what you do/don't need, and then make sure the person you are working with or planning to work with has the right experience and expertise required for your industry and your stage of business. Don't shy away from paying for specialist advice, but be equally careful not to pay for advice that might be "overkill.” You could waste a lot of time and money paying for specialists you don't need and waste potentially even more time and money not paying for specialists you do need. It's a fine balance, and there are no hard and fast rules because every business is different. When people ask me which specialist they need to engage and when, my answer is always "It depends." So when in doubt, talk to someone who has a business in your industry (or better yet, talk to a few someones) and see which specialists they used and why. And when you then speak to a specialist, ask them to explain or justify why you need to use them. (Often, the good ones will turn you away if they don't think you need them, and you'll know right away they are someone you can probably trust because they don't just see you as a cash machine.) Do your due diligence, speak to people who have done it before, and use the right experts at the right time. |
Business Mentor
Virgin Startup |
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Entrepreneur in Residence
London Business School |
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