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One of the things that I have focused on more this year is asking. I firmly believe "if you don't ask, you don't get", so I try to ask as much as possible. I don't expect to always (or ever) get what I want, but I know that life is a numbers game: the more you ask, the more you help your odds of getting.
And I am also on the receiving end of a lot of asking, from founders who want my time, expertise, or advice to organizations who want me to speak at their events or work with their team members. And what all of this asking so often reveals is that some people can be real askholes. And it's essential that we don't become one of them. Here's what I mean. When we ask something of someone and they take the time, effort, or mental energy to respond and help, we should then take the time, effort, or mental energy to act on what they have shared, or - at the very least! - say thank you. But you would be surprised by how many askers don't follow these basic courtesies. I have given hours of my time to people who have never said thank you. I have been vampired by information-seekers who suck my brain dry and then do nothing with the information. I have spoken at events and then heard nothing from the organizers. What askholes! So a word of caution: don't ever become or entertain askholes. If you ask someone for an introduction and you get the introduction, don't sit on it. Pick up the phone or send that email. And if you give someone an introduction, expect them to do the same. If you ask for advice and get it, don't simply throw it on the heap of things you know and never use. Apply it, filter it, reject it, or tell the advice-giver what you did/didn't do with what they shared. And if you take the time to offer advice to someone else (who has asked for it), expect them to do the same. If you ask a friend/a book/a community/the universe for some help, and you get the help, don't take it for granted. Say thank you and reciprocate if and when you can. And if someone asks you for help and you give it to them, expect them to say thank you and reciprocate if and when they can. We have all been ask-ers and ask-ees. We have all taken others' time, and given our own time. We have all helped and been helped. It's an inevitable part of being a founder and human. It is a great part of being a founder and human. And it is a powerful part of being a founder and human. But with great power comes great responsibility not to be, or let ourselves be abused by, askholes.
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I made a decision the other day. I was running around London (before the first in-person speaking event I've done in months!), dutifully wearing a mask, and found myself tutting silently or rolling my eyes at anyone who wasn't. I did it any time anyone came within less than 6 feet of me, any time someone didn't use hand gel at the entrance to a shop, and any time anyone behaved in a pre-COVID way. (You know, behaved normally?)
And then, quite suddenly and without any prompting, I stopped. And I made my decision: I was not going to live in fear of my fellow human beings, and I was not going to view every inanimate object or molecule of air as a potential disease-carrying-threat. I was done. Fear had taken up far too much space in my brain for far too long, and I was done. Yes, I would continue to follow the "rules" and be "sensible", but I wasn't going to live in judgment or fear while doing so. And then it got me thinking about a conversation I had just a few days ago with a new-found friend in Genoa. She was telling me about the work she and her partners do around helping women reclaim the space and energy normally given over to fear. And that got me thinking about just how much space and energy fear takes up in our lives. And how many things we do or not do on a daily basis because we are afraid (COVID aside). On any given day, how many of us don't send an email, make a phone call, or have a conversation because we're afraid of rejection or confrontation? How many of us don't put ourselves forward for an award/a promotion/an interview/insert-anything-here because we're afraid of what people will think of us? How many of us don't start working on our businesses because we're afraid of failure? How many of us keep working at jobs or playing a role that shrinks our souls because we're afraid of losing prestige in the eyes of others? Fear, fear, and more fear - big, small, existential, trivial - it follows us throughout our day. Every. Single. Day. But, my dear Entreprenoras, it doesn't have to be that way. We don't need to let fear boss us around. We can tell fear to shut the hell up and get the hell out. We can realize that fear isn't always protecting us (often just the opposite). And we can view fear for what it is (information) without presuming that the information is telling us to stop or stay small. When we decide against fear, that decision changes everything internally. And so often our fear is internally manufactured, anyway, not externally real (unless we're face-to-face with a tiger!). So the next time we find ourselves being/doing/saying something - or not - because of fear, let's stop. Let's take just one step closer to where we want to be instead of where our fear has told us to stay. Let's decide against fear and for ourselves. "I'll come back in five minutes, shall I?"That is the line my husband uses every evening as we put our toddler to sleep. He gets her ready for bed, I give her milk and read her a story, and in the few minutes it takes her to finish her bottle, my husband always leaves the room before coming back to take her to her bed. For the longest time, this annoyed me to no end. "What's the point in leaving for five minutes?" I would say to myself. "It's just unnecessary back and forth." And then I did the math...  And dammnnnnn, do those five minutes that I was so dismissive of add up. I mean really add up: five minutes every day for 365 days equates to 1825 minutes or 30.42 hours or 1.27 days. Yes, just five minutes a day is the same as a whole extra day (and then some!) every year. Woah. When I did the math, I was stunned. I mean what more could I do with an extra 1.27 days each year? How many more books could I read in 30.42 hours? How many more trips to the gym could I fit in? How many more blog posts could I write? How many more walks could I go on?... We often dismiss - and squander - small increments of time because we think they are insignificant. We ignore the power of compounding. There are so many things about which we say "Oh, it'll just take five minutes" and then we plunge in. But even if it does just take five minutes, are those five minutes being used in the best way possible? I often get clients and students resist my suggestions to delegate small things because they say it only takes them five minutes to do and it's just easier to do it themselves (sound familiar?). But using the math above, you can see how lots of little "five minutes here" and "five minutes there" can eat away DAYS of your year. So what are you spending "only five minutes" on that you could or should delegate to someone else? What could you START to spend five minutes on each day to move you closer to one of your goals? Five minutes is never just five minutes (even when it is five minutes), because that "five minutes" mentality keeps so many of us stuck doing things that we should NOT be doing, or keeps us from starting things we should. We underestimate the power of five minutes. Heck, I teach this stuff and I still find myself falling into that. It's something we have to work on consistently. We need to pay attention to all the minutes. To paraphrase a famous saying: Take care of the minutes and the years will take care of themselves. Do the math. And value your minutes. These past few months have been intense. From COVID and lockdown to protests and social restrictions to restructuring and pivoting our businesses, it's been full-on, non-stop, mental and emotional overdrive.
Some good, even great, things have come out of the "Surreal Spring" (as I've started calling it), but it's been a constant practice in energy and headspace management like never before. And one of the biggest lessons I learned again during this time is how important it is to saturate our minds with carefully-curated information. I'm not talking about living in a bubble, or an echo chamber, or searching out information that confirms what we already know. I'm talking about surrounding ourselves with ideas, people, conversations, podcasts, books, or any other inputs that elevate, stimulate, and inform our minds instead of deflating, subduing, or deforming them. As any computer programmer or nutritionist will tell you, garbage in = garbage out. And when times are tough, turbulent, or turned upside down, as they are right now, we can't afford to give garbage a look in. So as you work through the challenges ahead, as you grapple with big and small changes in your life and in your business, remember to saturate your mind with whatever it is that will take you and the world around you higher. Amongst all of the broader social conversations happening recently around worth and wealth and access and fairness, what has galled me the most is that too many of us are still having to ask for permission to access the illusory "level playing field" and "equal protection" others enjoy implicitly.
For women, pay gaps, VC funding patterns, systemic biases, and a whole matrix of external structures keep us persistently under-represented in positions of power and keep us poorer than men. The statistics are depressing and universal, and all of the unpaid work we do robs us further of our potential wealth and influence. But we can, and have to, do something about this. From demanding what we are worth to paying ourselves properly, the work starts with each of us. We need to get better at getting actual cash, and we need to stop telling ourselves we can't afford to invest in ourselves or our businesses. There are a few simple things we can do right now to give ourselves more money and therefore more options and more of a say:
My dear Entreprenoras, the world already de-prioritizes us and minimizes our worth, but we shouldn't do that to ourselves. Let's have those difficult money conversations with co-founders or partners or suppliers, let's plan for our financial futures, let's learn what we need to learn, and let's start building our financial fortresses so that no one can ever, ever pull us down. [Get started with some of the books about money and wealth here.] Money isn't the answer to everything, but having more control over more of it gives us the freedom to do more of the good we want to do in the world and in our lives. So let's stop with the status quo and start paying ourselves and owning our worth. Cha. Ching. Last week I shared my personal experiences of and reflections on race, justice, and inclusion and the broader social conversation around these topics. And all of these discussions got me thinking about a fundamental reality: that power and influence default to wealthy, white, men, and everyone else has to ask for or fight for permission to access the same.
If you are poor, or a woman, or non-white - or any combination of the three - even after being "given" these rights, you still don't get to freely enjoy them. There is still a yawning gap between the legality and the reality. Between the equality we are told we have and the inequality we experience. We face this every day as women and as founders in glaring and subtle ways: there is a vicious gender pay gap, women-founded startups get a paltry 2% of VC funding even though data shows our businesses perform better, women entrepreneurs are seen as exceptions while male templates define what a "real" founder looks and acts like. And we are still too often asking men for permission. We are still too often trying to justify our seat at the Boardroom table (if we ever get there). We are still too often financially reliant on partners due to a range of factors (pay gaps, parental leave policies that penalize us, all of the unpaid work we do...). We are still too often kept small by media representations that under-report our successes or relegate them to "women's" sections (almost every business magazine has a "Women" section, but not a "Man" section... Why? Perhaps another example of men being the default...). But, my dear Entreprenoras, this isn't the way it has to be. We shouldn't need to ask for permission, we shouldn't need to play in the sidelines, and we shouldn't need to conform to any template other than our own. Each of us can and should demand more, expect more, and get more at home and in the wider world. The time for asking is over. One of the reasons I started this community was to make sure we all get what we deserve, achieve what we set out to achieve, and become financially abundant and independent in ways that allow us to force change where necessary or BE the change we can. Our success is about more than just us. Our success is about showing the world different templates of what is possible and what a role model looks like. So whatever your success looks like, whatever your dreams look like, whatever your goals look like, we are here to make sure you get there. Use our resources, get in touch, apply to join our Boardroom, get your voice heard by pitching your story for our podcast, or simply connect with each other at one of our events. Ladies, we are in this together. No more asking for permission. Just succeeding, demanding, and achieving. Together. The other day, I was sharing with my husband how one of the things I have struggled most with during lockdown is an even more intense form of guilt. Running and adapting two businesses while trying to nurture and take care of a curious, high-energy toddler has left me constantly feeling terrible that neither is getting 100% of me or 100% of my best.
ME: "I just feel so guilty all the time..." MY HUSBAND: [Long, confused pause...] "Guilty about what?" And in his simple question lay a blinding insight and deep clarity about how we (or maybe just me!) hamstring ourselves as founders and as people. His point was "If you're doing the best you can, what's to feel bad about?" (My perfectionist's rejoinder was "My COVID-best doesn't feel good enough!") And in that interaction, I realized that maybe this is another way that many of us hold ourselves back: we make things up to beat ourselves up about, we focus on the lack and not on the progress, we internalize what has nothing to do with us. And we rarely (or not enough) take time to appreciate what we have done, what we have achieved, and what we have given our best-in-that-moment to. And every time we do this, dear Entreprenoras, all we are doing is stalling our progress and making things harder for ourselves. But the business of life and the life of business are hard enough without saddling ourselves with guilt that doesn't belong there and internal struggle that doesn't have to be. Guilt keeps us stuck and paralyzed when we are trying to expand and grow. And it is a quicksand of emotion that sucks us down and smothers our spirit when we are moving forward with ambition. So the next time we find ourselves veering towards the G-lane, let's get a grip on that wheel and ask whether we really need to go there or whether there's another lane that will serve us better, and take us faster, in the direction we truly mean to go and towards the destination we truly mean to reach. I was sitting in a hotel in Brighton yesterday morning after a late night. I had spoken at a business event on Thursday evening and had stayed up well past my bedtime to connect with the people in the room afterwards. It was a buzzy night, and my mind was still buzzing when I woke up two hours ahead of my alarm.
So, to treat myself for waking up so early, I decided to have the overpriced breakfast on offer in my gorgeous seaside hotel. I knew I was tried, so I had to do a double-take and then a triple-take to make sure I had seen what I thought I had seen: an elderly man in a white chiffon tunic with a wide leather belt to cinch his waist and a black bra clearly showing through his shirt. Now, I was a bit surprised, but I wasn’t disgusted (why should I be?), not like the other diners in the room who were shooting flaming daggers with their eyes at this complete stranger for his sartorial choices. (Let the man wear what he wants!) And this brief little observation – my own and seeing the responses of others – took me down a path I had trodden just the night before. Namely, how some people just don’t “get” us, and how one “box” doesn’t fit all. For most of my life I have been a bit of a yin and yang duality: I am an analytical left brain and a creative right brain. I am progressive and modern about some things, and traditional and “conservative” about others. I am alternately “feminine” and “masculine” (how many of us are exhausted playing that game of finding which traits we are “allowed” to show at work?). I love playing sports and doing chin ups and competing in Tough Mudder, and equally love doing nothing but reading and drinking coffee or eating crunchy mint M&Ms while I write (she says as she pops another M&M in her mouth). I have more than one business, more than one interest, more than one strength, more than one weakness, and more than one identity (entrepreneur, coach, speaker, friend, alumna, mother, partner… different “hats” but the same me). To put it simply, I am a multi-passionate entrepreneur (thanks Marie Forleo). And a multi-faceted person. And if I had to take a guess, I’d guess that you probably are too. But it has taken me a loooooooooong time to realize that not everyone understands that. Not everyone feels comfortable with all the boxes I tick. Not everyone “gets” how or why one person would want to do, be, and love so many different things, and work so hard to be good at all of them. But that’s why communities are so powerful. Because when we are part of the right community, surrounded by the right people, immersed in the right environment, these questions are taken for granted. The many “you’s” of who you “are” don’t need explaining. That man wearing a bra? It can’t have been easy being him growing up. It probably still isn’t. But he has taken the bold decision to be himself. And that is sometimes the hardest decision we can make: the decision to be ourselves, without explaining or qualifying or justifying why and what (as long as we aren’t hurting anybody… I’m not encouraging narcissistic sociopathy here, people!). I have curated my life – and built this community – so that as much as possible, I am only surrounded by people and ideas that uplift, challenge, and push me to live my best life and be my best self. In business, in life, in being who we are, we all need a bit more of that. Because it is hard enough without it. And to help us all get a bit more of that special sauce of finishing-each-other’s-sentences and “we totally get each other”-ness, for the next few weeks (or as long as you keep introducing me to more amazing women), I will be sharing snippets from the life and work of the women in our community in a series called Meet the Entreprenoras. Sure, part of this sharing will be good PR for the women who are featured and their businesses. But the real benefit to everyone will be from the connections made, relationships formed, friendships begun, networks shared, and heart taken from knowing we are not alone. From knowing that no matter how new or how experienced, we all “get” each other and are here to help each other thrive. So let’s keep ticking those boxes – or shunning the boxes altogether – and let’s do great things together. All white chiffon tunics welcome. “I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!”
That was me just a few hours ago shrieking down the phone to my husband Guy. I was literally bouncing down the street with joy because he called to say he had signed an option agreement on a development site he has been working on for five months, and I was whooping and hollering for the both of us. I am generally an effusive person, so after many an exclamation (and sideways glance from people on the street), I asked him how he felt about securing a deal that will make either a smallish six-figure profit or a very large six-figure profit (depending on what we do with it). And his verbatim response was: “No different than before.” But even if he wasn’t ring-around-the-rosie-ing with pound signs sparkling before his eyes, I was celebrating and proud. Just not for the reason you might think… No, dear readers, I wasn’t dancing like Jim Carey because Guy secured this amazing deal. If you have been with me over these past few months, you will know that I like to throw wrenches in the obvious, I watch what I am proud of, and I am impressed by nerdy things. If you really want to know why I was proud of him, it’s this: his singular focus on creating and then committing to a plan without obsessing over the “when is it gonna happen” of the outcome. He is like Churchill, Muhammad Ali, and a Zen master at work: laser sharp and hungry while remaining detached from the result. It’s an incredible thing to witness. And it’s an incredible thing to dissect. Here’s what I noticed: When others might watch TV, Guy watches live feeds of planning committee meetings. When others might scroll through social media sites, Guy studies the local development plan for each council he is exploring land in. When others might spend time researching the “hottest” restaurants in town, Guy invests time researching the “hottest” flood risk assessors around. And you know what else? When others might have complained about how hard it is to “catch a break” and how the odds are stacked against them (he got to within signing-distance on two other sites and then the sellers started courting bids from other developers; these were sites the owners hadn’t even considered selling before he approached them), Guy let me curse and scream on his behalf and then found more sites to replace them. And you know what else on top of that? When others might let everything else fall apart while they build their dream, Guy makes stuff happen while truly co-parenting our daughter and taking care of himself (the man plays squash and football four times a week... can you imagine how uplifting -- and annoying! -- it is to live with such a can-do mother-effer?!). Now, some of you might be ready to barf while reading my praise for someone I am married to. And some of you might even be thinking that A) I am making this up, or that B) Guy sounds terribly boring. But the reality is A) Nope, 100% truth bombs only, and B) That is the point: success sprouts from the boring, success grows from the tedious. And that’s why it eludes so many of us. Because how many of us would do the SAME thing day in, day out for OVER A YEAR without seeing any results and keep going anyway? How many of us would continue to put in that effort even after securing a deal? How many of us would be so committed, focused, and disciplined, that “success” becomes an afterthought instead of a daily obsession? How many of us would commit to the tedium instead of wishing for success to fall into our laps? I am as guilty as the next person. I struggle on a near-daily – sometimes hourly – basis between knowing that I just need to take consistent action on the right things, and throwing my hands up in despair because the results aren’t happening now. But we all know that’s not how it works. It’s a numbers game, you have to pay your dues, you can’t get something for nothing, be detached from the results… there are so many popular phrases that capture this sentiment. But knowing and doing are laughably disparate (just ask any nutritionist with a Big Mac in their hands). And not everyone is willing to be bored. But we can at least try. Try to commit to a process even when it's not fun. Try to forget about the end goal even when the goal seems painfully far away. Try to do what needs to be done even when we don't want to. And maybe, just maybe, if we learn to love boredom even though he isn't sexy or exciting, success will eventually take notice and invite us back to his place instead. I received a small shock this morning when I logged into Mail Chimp and found that the article I had written and scheduled to send on Saturday was scheduled for the wrong Saturday and hence never got sent (that's what I get for working on the go!). So, this is a quick apology for being a few days late, but here I am, and more important, here is the article that should have greeted your inboxes on Saturday... Happy reading!
As you may remember from my message last weekend, I am in New York visiting my family. It has been a wonderful whirlwind so far, and there is still a big family wedding to come. Flying here with our toddler wasn't fun, but it was over after only a few tears (mostly mine), lots of internal screams (again, mostly mine), copious amounts of silent cursing (very definitely mine), and seven hours of pacing up and down the aisles. I was terrified in the run-up to our trip because I have never traveled with her alone and seven hours of peace in a confined space with bad food is a big ask of most people, much less an active tot, but in the end it wasn't that bad and we got through it together without any meltdowns, and at least one of us was still smiling happily when we landed. One of the lessons I learned again on that flight -- I seem to learn this lesson "again" a lot -- is that the fear and anxiety I felt in anticipation of the flight was a poor prediction of the reality. And it reminded me of the wise words a friend-preneur shared with me many years go: that F.E.A.R is often nothing more than False Expectations Appearing Real. This happens so much to me in life and in business, maybe to some of you, too. We wind ourselves up into Gordian knots of stress worrying about things that haven't happened and our imaginations go on a frenzy of worst-case-scenario-building, leaving not even a synapse-sized space for the possibility of a less-than-horrific outcome (never mind a successful one), and we waste precious head space and brainpower and life force anticipating disasters that never come to pass in the way we most, well, fear. I would have to rely on some high-order math if I tried to calculate the number of times I have anxiously expected disaster or sub-optimal outcomes before an event or a speech or an award nomination or even just a phone call. I know how hard it is to keep a leash on rabid fear. But with time and experience and each new experience that goes better than I thought it would, or even goes well, I have started to try training myself into anticipating things with a little less fear. I have started planning for success just a little bit more. Anticipating happier endings just a little bit more. Letting my mind roam through best-case scenarios just a little bit more. And going ahead and making stuff happen despite my fears. Most of us can survive even our worst imaginings, so why waste the time imagining them? Why waste an opportunity to do something or build something or change something when fear is often no more than a false expectation appearing real? I know it's not easy, but it is doable. So let's do this, ladies, fears and all. I am writing to you just a few short hours before getting on a plane to visit my wonderful family in New York. The past five days have been intense. Since Monday, I have spoken at two different events, written a three-page article for a business magazine, had a handful of sessions with my coaching clients, and hosted an Entreprenora event in a room full of amazingly powerful women, all while managing the day to day operations of my two businesses (meetings with investors, P&L reviews, phone calls to partners, difficult feedback to team members...) and my family life. It has been exhausting.
I am generally a high-energy, can-do person, but by yesterday morning I was feeling rough. My head was pounding and I literally felt like someone had taken a straw and sucked the lifeforce out of me. I felt listless and tired and did something I never do: I took paracetamol and lay down for an hour in the middle of the day. But there was still so much to do: emails to send, suitcases to pack -- I am a chronic last-minute packer -- and articles to write. And amazingly, most of it got done (thanks to the paracetamol and the energy-boosting powers of salted caramel ice cream!). But oh, how I did not want to get up this morning at my usual 5:30am and write my article. I wanted to stay in bed, harnessing all of my energy for the long flight that I will be doing solo with our high-octane toddler. But you know what? I did get up. At a slightly later 6:25am, but I got up, and here I am. What did it for me was to remember one of my guiding principles: you can make excuses or you can make things happen. Now ladies, this is not something I am perfectly consistent with. I get it. There are some days when there is too much to do and you can't do it all or you shouldn't do it all. And I am never an advocate of over-working or running ourselves into the ground (work smarter, not harder!). But let's face it, there are times when we could do something, instead of nothing, when we could follow through on the commitment we made to ourselves instead of letting ourselves down because it's "just" ourselves we would be letting down. I made a commitment to myself and to all of you (even though you may not have known it) that I would be here every Saturday sharing and writing and hopefully helping you in some big or small way. It would have been so easy for me to not show up, to justify not writing this article by telling myself that I still have to pack snacks and take a shower, and pick up my daughter's stroller, (and, and, and...), and that you probably wouldn't notice anyway. But I didn't. I showed up to write and I showed up for myself. And I'm glad I did. Because these small disciplines, these small acts of showing up consistently, these small decisions to do instead of not-do, make up our lives. And at each intersection, we can either take the easy way out or take the committed way forward. And I have promised myself that I will, at least more of the time than not, take the committed way forward. That I will make stuff happen, even when I don't want to. We all know how difficult life can get. But difficult is just another excuse to stay the same. (And as my husband said to my daughter the other day, "there is no can't, only won't.") So my tough-love message to you today is to dissect your excuses, interrogate your resistance, and commit to yourself that from now on, at least a little more than you otherwise might, you'll stop making excuses, and start making things happen. We're all in this together. Almost a decade ago, I was having lunch with a dear friend and we were half-laughing, half-crying about our inner nerds. I was bemoaning my need for external validation and “gold stars,” and it was then that my friend said what has stayed with me all these years: “I get it dude, it’s your Lisa Simpson complex. I’m the same.”
Now for the unfamiliar, Lisa Simpson is a cartoon character who is endearingly obsessed with perfection and good grades, with being the archetypal “good girl.” And my friend’s comment has stayed with me all these years because elements of my “Lisa Simpson complex” still infect so many big and small aspects of my life, and it’s something I have to work hard to keep in check. (But her comment also reassured me that there are other “Lisas” out there… maybe you’re one too!) Now, part of me is proud to be meticulous and painstaking about things that are important to me (good grammar, detailed P&Ls, folding my clothes just-so… you have to have standards, so they may as well be good ones!), but part of me also recognizes that there’s a reason “pain” is 36% of the word “painstaking,” because too much Lisa Simpson is no good. It is painful. And it can be destructive. And it can give too much power to people or things outside our control. And it is only with a lot of practice and the perspective that comes with time (I won't say "age" just yet) that I have finally started letting go just a little bit of my once-near-obsession with getting gold stars and being "perfect" in all aspects of my life. I know I will never NOT care what other people think of me, but I have started to be selective about whose opinion I DO care about (Are they qualified to have an opinion? Have they been in the ring themselves? Or are they just haters raining down popcorn and peanuts from the cheap seats?). I know I will always want some actual or symbolic gold stars, but I have started getting better at giving them to myself (as a writer, just thinking about self-publishing my upcoming book is a hard pride-pill to swallow, but why not “choose myself” as one of my favorite business authors would say, instead of waiting for someone else to?). I know there will be times when I look at my business or look in the mirror and only see the things that need “fixing,” but I have started getting better at focusing on what is amazing and beautiful, too. As women, I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone and to do it all perfectly, often by a standard of perfection or performance that someone else has given to us. And I get it. I still struggle with it. Wanting to be “the best” is hardwired into my DNA. One of my favorite stories about my mom goes something like this: When she was around 8 or 9, she came home from school bawling her eyes out, shaking with sadness. Her grandfather – my great-grandfather – rushed out of the house terrified by her distress, and asked her what was wrong. Through sobs and snot, she told him it was because – wait for it…. – she had gotten a 98 out of 100 on her exam! And even as I type this I am smile-crying because god, do I understand her despair. I wish I could transport through time and give the 8-year-old version of my mom a massive hug for feeling those two points so deeply… Ladies, this stuff is hard. Running a business is hard. Achieving big things is hard. Being a woman is hard. Having high standards is hard. But it is also sometimes – maybe more of the times than we realize – made harder by our own doing, by that self-imposed soundtrack nattering in our ears making us forget that a perfect score isn’t the goal, and that what we are doing or have already done is pretty damned great if we would just allow ourselves to see the damned greatness. So, all I’d like to suggest on this slightly-sappy Saturday (the recent gloomy weather in England is really getting to me), is that from time to time, we let go of those two points and turn the perfection soundtrack off. That we give ourselves credit for how many points we DID get, how many new customers we DID get, how many milestones we HAVE achieved, and to focus less on how far there is still to go. For me and so many Entreprenoras in our community, the trick, the work, is finding the elusive sweet spot between striving and accepting: striving for more and better while accepting where, and who, we currently are. It’s not about becoming complacent, it’s about recognizing that sometimes, even when we do our best, all we’ll get is a painful 98% and a tearful walk home, but our grandfathers will still be there to hug us, and we’ll still go on to have amazing lives full of inner AND outer achievements, and maybe one day, sixty years into the future, we’ll have daughters (literal or figurative) who write lovingly about us and admire us for all the times we chose not to give up, not to stop, not to throw everything away even when we were less than perfect. And it’s about recognizing – as my great-grandfather said to my mother all those years ago – that sometimes those two points aren’t ours to have, anyway. Sometimes 98 is our perfect score. And that really is perfect enough. "I just feel so guilty for being here..."
That is me, basically every day at some point, feeling bad about where I'm not. It might just be that I have an over-developed sense of guilt (I mean I went to Catholic school for 13 years and come from a big Indian family, so the combo turns normal guilt trips into epic guilt pilgrimages) or it might just be that I always feel pulled in too many directions. When I'm working, I worry that I'm not spending enough time nurturing my personal relationships and when I'm spending time with people I love, I worry that I should be doing something for my businesses and when I'm working diligently on my business, I worry that I'm not investing enough time on my health and fitness. It's a no-win situation that can drive anyone crazy. And I remember clearly the day a few years ago when I was going down a spiral of "I should be here, no I should be there, no wait, I NEED to be way over there..." and a really wise friend -- who also happens to be a ridiculously successful, seemingly non-stressed business owner (who travels all the time for her business) AND is a mom of three -- gave me the best advice I have gotten for my business and my life in general: Make a decision and then own it. Now this little bit of advice might look obvious -- and often the best advice is -- but the profundity (now there's a big word for a Wednesday afternoon!) lies precisely in its simplicity. And I can usually tell how profound advice is by how difficult it is for me to implement. In this case, it's that much harder because there are two parts: 1) making the decision, and 2) owning it. I find that as I've practiced and gotten better at 1 (Get Good at Being Decisive), I've really needed to up my game when it comes to 2. And damnnnnnnnnnnn, is it hard. Not because I abdicate responsibility for my decisions, but because with every decision I make, there is a tradeoff, and in my heart of hearts I am a recovering maximalist so I hate that I can't have it all, be everywhere, do all the things, and be everything to everyone all at the same time. Tradeoffs suck, but the grown-up (and homo economicus... gosh, I am being really nerdy today!) in me knows that tradeoffs are inescapable. And it's only with time and practice and catching myself that I've gotten better at accepting that and being truly present wherever I am instead of agonizing about where I'm not. Because the thing is, once we make a decision, that should mean we have already considered the relevant facts beforehand. That should mean we have done our best to make the best decision with the circumstances we are given. And that should then mean that it is easier to own the decision -- tradeoffs and all -- and move on. So now, whenever I am traveling to grow my business or spending evenings giving talks or doing some writing on the weekends, I TRY to be fully present and focus on delivering the best talk, having the best meeting, writing the best article I can, and leave everything else where it is. And then when I am with my family (my 2-year-old daughter in particular), I TRY to focus fully on them, on her, on what we are doing in the moment, and leave my phone and all of the things on my never-ending to-accomplish list physically and mentally out of the way. It's not easy, but I try as best I can. And I firmly believe (know!) that we are not compartmented people, despite what we tell ourselves, and we take everything with us wherever we go. But the key is not to let guilt come there with us too, because it will consume us AND the fun and success we could otherwise be experiencing if we hadn't invited guilt to the party. I get it. Like I said, I struggle with this on a near-daily basis. And there are no hacks that I've uncovered other than practice. So, the next time you start wishing you were somewhere else or feel guilty about where you are not, remind yourself that you decided to be wherever you are and then practice owning that decision. It will make being a grown-up, a boss, a business-owner, a leader, a parent, a partner, and a person that much easier AND will be a reminder that choice is a gift we shouldn't always spoil by wishing we had made a different one. I was standing in front of my closet the other day looking for something to wear for my exciting day trip to Stoke-on-Trent (yes, even Stoke is exciting for an expat. And as I found out in my pre-trip googling, it's one of the epicenters of British fine china; Wedgewood was founded and headquartered there. Who knew!) and out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a hideously ugly dress that made me smile and then laugh hysterically.
The dress in question is extra-wide A-line with poofy white sleeves, faces of strangers covering the front and back, and has two large slits near the neck for a harness. Oh, and it's made of made of neoprene. Now before you question my sanity -- or lifestyle choices -- for owning a dress that comes with a harness, let me hasten to explain that it was the dress I wore for the Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics. The ugliness of that dress makes it all the more endearing, because from so much ugly came so much beauty: I became friends with three amazing creatives who were fellow volunteers, and am still close friends with them now (if you come to the Entreprenora event on 27 June you'll get to meet at least one of them in person, though we won't be wearing those dresses unless you ask, err... beg, really nicely!). And I got to be a part of a once-in-a-lifetime event in an up-close-and-personal way. I mean when else was I going to be in a world-class sports stadium rubbing elbows with world-class athletes? Being a volunteer for the London 2012 opening and closing ceremonies was one of the best adventures of my life. And I spent that summer eating horrible boxed lunches (cheese sandwiches, Pringles, and Nature Valley bars EVERY DAY for two months) instead of doing the "smart" thing for my career, which would have been to get an internship with a top-tier consulting firm (I was an MBA student at the time). But I didn't choose "smart" that summer, I consciously chose adventure. Because one of the guiding principles I try to live my life by is to always say yes to adventure. Girls, life gets shorter each day, and as high-achievers with big ambitions, we can get so consumed with achieving and doing and growing and learning and accolade-collecting that sometimes we forget about fun. Sometimes we forget that we need work AND play (even when work already feels like play). And sometimes we forget that adventure can come around every day if we are open to seeing it. I'm not advocating hedonism or the mindless pursuit of new-ness or throwing responsibility to the wind. What I am encouraging is that we at least consider saying yes the next time adventure comes by our door. It might come in the guise of a new business venture. Or a book idea. Or a trip to Nashville. Or a walk around that museum we pass everyday. Or confessing to someone how we truly feel about them (good or bad!). Or having a conversation with a total stranger who strikes us as interesting. Going on an adventure isn't about bungee jumping and sky diving; it's about finding the thrilling aspects of the things we encounter every day and letting ourselves be thrilled by them. It's about (at least sometimes) choosing joy over ROI. About saying yes sometimes when we might otherwise have said no. And for me, it's also about living the type of life that will make my (as-yet-imaginary) biography something worth reading not just for what it will teach but for the physical, emotional, and mental ride it will take the readers on. The sun is getting higher and that means I'm on borrowed time before our daughter wakes up, so I'll leave with you with something to consider: As you get fully into this weekend, and next week, and next month, and next year, what adventure will you say yes to? What adventure will you allow into your life that will stretch you, grow you, nurture you, or simply make you smile (then laugh!) when you look in your closet of life? I'd love to hear all about it... "Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh, I just don't know what color feature wall to put in that room..."
That was me a few years ago, agonizing over the color to use in our latest development. We had decided the paint colors well in advance (Finish Before You Start, and all that) but as the project was coming to its end, we decided to add a small pop of color in the kitchen. It was a straightforward decision (what color to put on a wall approximately 12 square meters in size) but one that weighed on me for days and days because I kept putting it off. It was a miniscule detail compared with the enormity of what had gone into the project, but that one small decision was one I just couldn't make... Now that decision didn't make me cry, exactly, but it did take up a lot more emotional and mental space than it should have (It's just paint! I can hear you thinking.) But perhaps some of you, maybe all of you, can identify with the difficulty that comes along with deciding on things all day long (decision-fatigue is a real and scientifically proven phenomenon, dear readers). So whenever I find myself struggling to decide, I remind myself two things: 1) Nothing is forever (ie, almost every decision -- except the one to have kids! -- can be undone or changed) and 2) As business owners/entrepreneurs/executives/leaders, we need to get good at being decisive. We can't agonize over every detail, we can't keep waiting for more and more and more (and MORE) information before we choose a path, we can't keep waiting for the maximally optimal option to arise because most of the time it won't. To be successful, we need to take whatever mix of good, bad, and ugly that is presented to us in any given situation and do the best we can. We need to make the best decision possible in the moment and leave it at that. We need to be decisive, and get better at being decisive, by practicing and making decisions confidently and actively. Because let's face it, waiting doesn't usually make the decision any easier or better, and often it does the exact opposite. Waiting just prolongs the pain, adds to the confusion, and increases our mental load. I'm not saying we leap before we look (be decisive, not hasty!). All I'm saying is that we need to get good at making decisions, at being decisive, and getting $hit done. Because, really, what's the worst that could happen? If you hate the feature wall color, you can repaint it. If you don't like the logo you chose, you can ask your designer to create another one. If you don't like the sandwich you ordered, you can go back and get a different one. Very little is set in stone (and even things set in stone can be reset or re-chiseled... or you can get a different stone!). The key is to just start from somewhere, make an initial decision, and then see if it was the right one, or if something needs tweaking. The key is to take decisions like the boss or leader or executive that you are, or hope to be. Being decisive isn't always easy, but it is essential and gets easier with practice. So start practicing and getting good at being decisive because your success -- and sanity! -- may just depend on it. And for anyone who was wondering: I chose Coastal Waters for the feature wall in that kitchen. And it looks fantastic. (Another variation on this call to be decisive is a great quote that I heard once: "Successful people are quick to make a decision and slow to change their minds; unsuccessful people are slow to make a decision and quick to change their minds." See, I'm not the only one who thinks being decisive is important for success!) Just this past Wednesday, three short days ago, I had a moment of panic. I was doing something mundane (making a snack, in this case) and just as I was about to sit down to eat my random assortment of pistachios, almond biscotti, and bhakri (an Indian flatbread that is addictively delicious) I literally almost choked.
Out of nowhere, a cascade of doubts and anxiety and nervous what-ifs started to attack me. Holy shit, I thought to myself, I'm never going to get invited to Necker Island. Never! Why was I so consumed with Necker Island, you ask? Well, earlier this week, I had gotten not one, but two emails from two different women who have created amazing businesses that have global reach and soul-deep impact, telling me all about their time at Necker. These are two women who have done great things, and one is someone who is a distant stranger in Australia, but who I quote with alarming frequency (so we're basically friends as far as I'm concerned). And as I'm trying to remember how to chew and swallow, I am panicking because I literally can't imagine how they did it. And that well-worn soundtrack that comes up automatically whenever I am not vigilant started to play a loop: "Who do you think you are? Why would you be able to do something big? Why would Oprah ever want to talk to you?" (That's another fear I have: that I'll never be interviewed by Oprah!) And as these thoughts are literally bringing me close to tears (they're doing so a little bit now too), I remembered a quote that always brings me back from the brink: "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." The time will pass anyway... Sigh... (and phew!) The time will pass anyway... The reason I love this quote is because it is just so obviously true. There are so many things that I think "Oh, it would take FOREVER to do that (or build that or achieve that). What's the point?" and then I think, "Well, the time is going to pass anyway, so screw it, I may as well just try. Here we go..." Ladies, the time WILL pass anyway. So why not fill it with trying, fill it with failing (because that shows you are trying), fill it with taking mini, terrifying steps towards a big dream or a big goal. Sure, you might not get there. Sure, I might never get to Necker Island or be interviewed by Oprah. But you know what? The time is going to pass whether I sit on my ass and agonize about the things that won't happen or whether I get out there and make things happen in whatever way I can. And you know what else? Even if we don't get "there" (wherever "there" is for each of us), at least we will have great stories to share and battle wounds to show off. Life would be so boring if we played it safe all the time, so why not just get out there and see what MIGHT be possible? (I'm telling this to myself as much as I am to you.) Everyone starts off as a no one. Even Oprah started out as "just some girl from Mississippi." And how much sadder and worse off would the world be if she had held herself back by thinking "who am I to be someone" (and given where she was starting from, she had a lot more social and personal and economic reasons to think that way than many of us do). I'm not saying we all need to go out there and be Oprah. All I'm saying is that the time will pass anyway, so we should go out there and do our own thing. Make stuff happen. Build our businesses. Send that first (or fiftieth) email. Ask for what we want. Put ourselves on stage. Whatever it is. Why not you? Why not me? Why not us? The time will pass anyway. And there's plenty of room on Necker Island for all of us. A few days ago, my mom was visiting and it was amazing to have her to all to myself for almost a week. We never get to talk about everything I'm desperate to ask her or desperate to know from her, but we had some great quality time together, one-on-one, which is a rare treat because I come from a large family where one-on-one time inevitably turns into one-on-eight time.
During one of our car-ride chats she laughingly said how I've always been her "weird" child. The one who has out-there taste (according to her!) and the one who has always done things a bit differently and against the grain. It was a passing moment but one that stuck because she was right. I am a not like most of the people she knows. There was a time when all I wanted was to be "normal" and fit in, but I've come to embrace being "weird" and love when my mom recognizes that I am not like the "normal" people around her. I have forged my own meandering path, like so many of us do, and not ever once regretted it. Sure, it was really, really, really, really, REALLY hard at times. Sure, there were painful moments (months, sometimes years) of navel-gazing and self-doubt and anxiety. And sure, I was battling all those internal and external voices that said I should be a certain way, want certain things, or care about certain things. But despite all of that, I held on to my weirdness. To me. Being an entrepreneur and a person and ourselves is so hard sometimes. And one of the few things that has helped me over every hump is finding communities, sometimes as small as two other people, where my "weirdness" is the norm (thank you J and P). Where the other people in that community get me. They get what it feels like to be on their own path. And they get the burden and the excitement that comes along with being themselves. And living life on their terms. If any of this sounds familiar, I'm so glad that we found each other. I firmly believe that like attracts like, and part of the reason I created Entreprenora was so I could find more women who are "weird" like me and we could help each other leverage our weirdness to live our best lives and be our best selves. Together. One of the lovely weirdos I am lucky to have in my life is Rebecca Coxon (documentary film maker and camera magic-worker), who helped me put on film so much of what Entreprenora means. I'd love for you to have a look (click on the images below, or the links here: What is Entreprenora? and here: Who is Entreprenora For?) and see if you'd like to be weirdos together. Let's do great things together. "Rup, we're talking about your career and life here. Don't waste this opportunity..."
This was back in 2013 and my sister and brother were staging what I can only call an intervention. I was a newly-minted MBA and they were worried (terrified) for me that by starting my own business I was carelessly tossing my life, my career, and my MBA into the rubbish heap. "Get a big name on your resume," they were imploring me, "and THEN you can do your own thing." Their one-way conversation lasted a few hours, and despite the delicious cocktails we were drinking at the dive bar on 3rd Avenue in New York, my mouth tasted like bile and regret. What if they were right, my mind wondered even though my mouth kept insisting "I'm an adult, I know what I'm doing." What if I failed? What if my business didn't take off? What if I was throwing away the chance to work somewhere "impressive"? What if McKinsey (or Bain or BCG or the dozens of other consulting firms MBAs are supposed to want to work at) never bestowed their vaunted credentials onto my CV? What if I was being as reckless as they thought? Everything my siblings said made sense, so why couldn't I just do what they said and be sensible? Why couldn't I just go out there and get a real job? I have a theory (actually, I have a LOT of theories, but for the purposes of this article, I'll stick to one), and it goes something like this: the people who know us or love us are often the ones who make it hardest for us to do something different or to make a big change. So often, they keep us in a time warp where the way they once "knew" us is who we have to stay, and sometimes wanting us to stay that way is more for their benefit than for ours. Sometimes they just want us to keep playing a certain role so it doesn't upset the equilibrium established over years of knowing each other or so it doesn't challenge their own safety and comfort. And sometimes, the people who "know" and love us just want us to do things a certain way because they are trying to protect us. They are worried we might fail or get upset or ruin ourselves financially, and their advice is meant to shield us from all of those things. But you know what? No one can do that for us. No one can keep disappointment at bay for us. No one can read what's in our heart of hearts the way we can. And no one can tell us what is risky or what is not because we all have different definitions of risk. We have to listen to our intuition, to our gut, to our own ideas of what we want and who we are, because sometimes, maybe a lot of times, the people in our lives have their own agenda and we can't let them live our lives for us. Did I ignore my siblings and tell them to shove it? Of course not. I listened to them (and tortured myself about whether they were right), and then I forged my own way. I covered my downside, I had a Plan B (and Plan C), and then I put my all into making a success of my business because I had no choice. I worked hard (before I learned how to work smart) and I got there. I replaced my post-MBA income in about 18 months and put everyone's worries - including my own - to bed, once and for all. But it was really, really, really, really effing hard. Especially in the beginning when my own doubts and insecurities kept creeping in, it made every phone call with my family that much harder. I couldn't bear to talk to them for fear that one of them would tell me to just "keep an eye open" for jobs or work with a headhunter or do my business as a side hobby while working for someone else. All of their concern and anxieties only amplified my own and it took every ounce of strength I could muster to nod and mmm-hmm and then tune them out. Because the thing I learned is that the people who "know" us and love us aren't always right. And if we listen to them too readily, they can keep us from being who we are or who we want to be or who we know we can be. We can take their concerns on board, sure, but that doesn't mean we have to let them stop us from actualizing our vision for our lives. We can do things our way. Protect ourselves our way. Address all of their concerns our way. And sometimes, just tune them out. Not everyone is worth listening to, no matter how much they love us. Not everyone is qualified to have an opinion, no matter how long they've been in our lives (I don't ask my hair dresser for tax advice even though I've known her twice as long as my accountant...). Sometimes we have to beware of the people who "know" us and love us because sometimes they can be the biggest roadblocks to our success, and a lot of the times they simply don't know what they're talking about. There are no easy solutions, but some of the best antidotes to the nay-saying and doubts that can be foisted on us from people who "know" and love us are to join a community where what we are trying to do/build/grow/achieve is the norm and to be very selective about who we take advice from (ie, is the person telling us that being an entrepreneur is a bad idea an entrepreneur themselves?) Making a big change, accomplishing a big goal, starting a business and then growing it to be as successful as it can be is too important and too personal to let other people decide or derail for us. Sometimes we just have to beware of those who "know" and love us and then forge on towards our success anyway. "If someone even smiles at me the wrong way, I'm going to lose it!"
I was having a very bad day a few weeks ago. It started as just another promising Tuesday, and then quickly spiraled down, down, down, oh so down, to some deep, dark depths. I can't remember what it was that triggered things, but suddenly, the world felt like it was on top of me. My mind was whirring with all the things I needed to do: make a few calls, submit tax information, follow up on a project that was taking far too long to finish, and oh, by the way, go to the gym (I had been neglecting my health too much lately), write a letter to my daughter's previous doctor, write my next article, film a few videos for my You Tube channel, buy tickets to visit my family in New York, update my website, and... and... and... and... AND!!!!!!! I was starting to plummet. I walked in the door from my morning appointment, spat a hello to my husband, and went straight upstairs. I sat on my bed thinking very angry thoughts. And then I took a shower. I cooked myself a meal. I didn't go anywhere near my phone or my computer. And then I sat. I indulged in some final the-world-is-so-stupid-and-annoying ruminations, and then -- slowly, but finally - I tried to think about what I could do to make the world less stupid and annoying. I emailed my PA and asked her to do some travel research for me. I emailed my PA again with a list of all the updates we needed to make to the website and asked for her help. I slowly, slowly started taking back control and slowly, slowly started clawing back up from the hole I had been slipping down. I was so proud of myself that night. I was proud because years ago, I would have let myself stay in that kind of a funk for days on end, but not anymore. And I only learned how to short-circuit those down-in-the-dumps cycles by learning to honor who I am. I pay attention to my needs. I pay attention to how I know I need to operate. I accept that I need to stew and fume sometimes - I love being self-righteous and resentful for even just a little bit! - but I also accept that I need to cut myself off and get back to doing whatever I can to push myself and my business forward, even just a little bit. A little bit is sometimes all we can do. It's sometimes all we have. And being your own boss means sometimes you have to boss yourself to pull your shit together and do a little bit. Being your own boss also means it's easier to Honor Who You Are, and design a life and business that plays to your strengths instead of preys on your less-than-strengths. It means you can learn from your meltdowns and do better next time. Honoring Who You Are is a big part of becoming an Entreprenora, and an essential part of living your best life. It might sound woo-woo, but you are the only you you've got, so commit to yourself, honor yourself, and help yourself be the best version of yourself you can be. If you don't do it, who else will? PS - My article about Honoring Who You Are has been one of my most popular, and one that got a lot of conversations going in our community. Please have a read and let me know what you think! When I started my first business, I did things as best I could at that time. I look back on that time and smile because what I did then is a far cry from what I do now. It’s not that it was ever bad, it’s just that as my business grew, as my resources grew, as I grew, my standards and execution grew and improved with me.
You can only ever work with what you have. And when you are first starting a business you are most likely going to be resource-scarce, time-pressed, and ability-short. This isn’t a condemnation, it’s a description. Of course when you are bootstrapping you can’t be extravagant. Of course when you are the founder, CEO, CMO, CFO, COO, secretary, admin assistant, and caterer all in one you don’t have time for nice-to-haves. Of course when you are just starting out you don’t know what you don’t know and you get better only through trial and error and hard-won experience. Of course! You can only work with what you have, and do the best you can with what you have at any given time. And then, when you have a little bit more, you can do a little bit more. When you’ve learned a little bit more, you can improve a little bit more. It is that simple. It is so easy to get stuck in the mindset of I want it all right now or It worked well before so I’m not going to change. But even if you don’t change, your world will change around you. The market will change, your competitors will change, your customer’s expectations will change, best practices will change, industry benchmarks will change… It will all change, change, change and change some more. So why let yourself or your business stagnate? You don’t have to blindly follow what changes around you, but you do need to have the strength to admit when there might be a better way and always try – at least try – to improve. Your business is not a finished product. It is not something that you birth and then leave alone. It is not something that is created perfectly-formed. There is almost always room for improvement, room for updating, room for more (or less), or room, simply, for better. So whether it’s your services or your product, your outlook on life or your abilities, your mindset or your physical health – or all of the above – why not commit to improving what you can when you can? Why not commit to trying as much as you can to be the best you can? Why not? It won’t always be possible, or perfect, or smooth, and we all have bad days (or weeks, or months… or maybe even years), but at least put improvement on your radar. At least reflect on what might need improving. At least think about when it might be possible to get even just 1% better. At least try. It won't always be easy, but it can be that simple. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." Ahhh, the Perfectionist's Creed. I love these words because I can predict with almost 100%-accuracy how many business owners and entrepreneurs and high-achievers have them playing in a loop in their heads pretty much all day long. (I know I would need to call on some high-order math if I wanted to count the number of times I've said or thought that.) No one can close a sale as effectively as I can. No one can negotiate with a supplier as well as I can. No one can write a job listing as brilliantly as I can. And you know what else? No one can order printer paper as well as I can. No one can make coffee as well as I can. No one can tidy up my desk as well as I can. And no one can take out the rubbish as well as I can, either! Isn't it amazing that I can do so many varied tasks better than any other of the 8-billion-plus humans who live on this planet or the few hundred thousand who live in my immediate vicinity or the tens of thousands who specialise in each one of these discreet tasks? Gosh, I really must be amazing! Right?  Now hopefully you see what I'm doing here. Hopefully you've had a little chuckle while reading the preceding lines not just because of how ridiculous they are when you see them written down but because you potentially recognize some of that silliness in your own way of thinking.
I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But perfect at all things? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more I hear it from my clients, and the more I try to train myself out of it, the more I see self-proclaimed perfectionism as something quite different: laziness and anxiety in disguise. Let me explain. First of all, I think we can agree that doing anything "perfectly" is basically impossible because "perfect" is subjective. What I think is perfect, others might think sucks, and what they think is perfect, I might find seriously flawed. Perfect is a standard that we define and our definition will inevitably be different to someone else's. Secondly, perfectionism is often used as an excuse for not doing something - "Oh, that website, will never be as perfect as I want it to be, so I may as well not build it"; "My business will never be as big as I want it to be, so I'm not going to start it"; "This marketing campaign will never capture everything I want to convey, so why bother planning it" - OR perfectionism is used as an excuse to keep doing everything yourself because you can't be bothered to TRY to delegate to someone else or TRY to find someone who might, just might, be able to do it at least as well as (or maybe even better... gasp!), as you can or TRY to have a difficult conversation with a colleague or a partner about how they can contribute more or improve. Perfectionism maintains the status quo - you either don't do something or you keep doing everything - and the status quo is, well, lazy. And perfectionism keeps you from addressing your (often baseless) anxieties. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. Do you see how these perfectionist anxieties can hold you and your business back? Do you think Richard Branson comes up with new business verticals AND does the marketing plan AND does the pricing AND chooses the words for each ad AND makes the coffee? No! Do you think Sara Blakely turned Spanx into a billion-dollar business by sewing each item herself AND building her website AND shipping her products AND ordering the paper clips for the office? Hell no! So why do we? Why do we think we can grow a business AND do everything else? Why do we hold ourselves back by deluding ourselves that we are the exception to every rule of success (delegate, leverage, focus on what you're good at, test and iterate...)? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we being lazy? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we just anxious? Done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect business is better than one that stays in your head. Get something out there and improve, iterate, and - dare I say it! - perfect it later. Be honest about what your "perfectionism" is costing you and your business, and then try, at least try, to hide behind the Perfectionist's Creed a little less often. I have a confession to make: I am a people pleaser. I always have been. I was that kid in school who always got gold stars and straight-As. I was that annoying smarty-pants who would jump up and down in my chair with my hand thrust into the air to answer any question. I loved being the "teacher's pet" (and I was really good at it!), and that chronic-pleaser-syndrome has never gone away. (I think women suffer from people-pleasing more than men do, as we are socially and culturally encouraged to be accommodating and obliging - and sometimes called horrible names when we aren't -- but that's a topic for another day!).
Years ago when I was starting a business of my own, it felt like I never had enough hours in a day for myself, my health, my business, or my loved ones but somehow I still kept saying yes to requests and asks from other people, often total strangers. What was going on? I can't pinpoint exactly when it was, but I remember there finally coming a time when I read somewhere (I think it was Heather McGregor who writes the Mrs Moneypenny column in the FT) that it wasn't just okay to say no, it was essential. And that if something didn't directly support my personal or professional goals, then I should say no to it. It was like an epiphany. I suddenly felt the burden of my savior-syndrome start to lift. Of course I couldn't help everyone. No one can. We all have real constraints on our time and energy and need to be careful about how we invest that time and energy. The big and small things we say yes and no to have a very measurable impact on our lives and our success. Subtraction is often more important than addition. Saying no wasn't easy at first (and I still struggle with it now sometimes). Saying no to people who asked for help made me feel like a jerk. But as one of my favorite business writers Denise Duffield-Thomas says, we can give how, and however often, makes sense for us AND our businesses and create boundaries around that giving. I love that. Saying no isn't being mean or selfish, it's being realistic about the limits to how much I can and should give, and defining my "no's" and my giving clearly. So I've built generous giving into my business model: I do lots of free articles, You Tube videos, podcasts, webinars, and speaking engagements so I can help lots of people at the same time, and I do a set number of pro-bono hours to help a few budding entrepreneurs each year. And then, the rest of my time is devoted to private clients and our Members who I can help in a very targeted and tailored way. After years of giving indiscriminately, I designed boundaries into my business. I had to think hard about how I could say no but still help as many people as possible (there's that chronic-helper-syndrome again!) and help in a way that felt sustainable and generous instead of leaving me feeling vulnerable and exploited. But it took time, and thought, and some uncomfortable conversations for me to get (a little more) comfortable saying no, and now I am having a far greater impact on a far greater number of people. So in reality, saying no has allowed me to help more people and be more focused. Win-win. So what can you say no to? What boundaries can you establish so you can say no to some things and yes to others? What amount of no-saying is right for you AND your business? Warren Buffet didn't become hugely successful by investing in every business brought to him. He says no as a rule, and sparingly uses his yes's. (A great illustration of this is his "20-Punchcard Rule"... you can decide what your 20 punches will be in your business, in your personal life, in your health, etc, and say no to everything else.) Now I can't promise that by saying no you'll become the next Warren Buffet, but I CAN guarantee that when you get better at setting boundaries and saying no, you and your business will become more focused and disciplined, and focus and discipline are two of the key ingredients of success. So the next time you feel yourself tempted to say yes to something, take a minute and ask yourself if you should just say no instead. Back when I was building my first business, I was terrified of coming across as “green”. Yes, I was learning all I could. Yes, I was meeting with founders a few steps ahead of me and downloading as much of their experience and wisdom as possible. Yes, I was well-informed (and working hard to become more so), but I was also, well, “green.”
I knew I couldn’t control how people perceived me, or how seriously they took me, so I started by taking myself seriously first. What that meant in practice is that I prepared before each meeting. I did lots of due diligence about market trends and competition and customer needs before ever investing money in anything. I dressed professionally. I showed up on time. I asked good questions. I did everything I could to convey I was serious about building something new and serious about my (as-yet-non-existent) business. And before long, I found that others took me seriously too. All of my preparation, and learning, and research, and professionalism started to pay off. I didn’t trivialise what I was doing because none of it was, or is, trivial. I see so many new or early-stage founders laugh off their budding ventures as “hobbies” or hedge their goals or get nervous about telling others they are starting a business. But if you don’t believe in it, or if you think it’s laughable, or just a hobby, won’t everyone else? If you fail to take yourself and your business seriously, won’t everyone else? When you are serious about what you are building and serious and thoughtful about how you build it, the dream or target or vision becomes that much more credible. Serious isn’t dark and glum; serious just conveys “I mean business”… because you literally do. So don’t brush off what you are building. Don’t pretend like you don’t care so any potential failures will hurt less. Don’t treat your business like a hobby unless you want it to stay one. Talk the talk, walk the walk, and take yourself and your business seriously. "Ahhhh..." Have you ever sighed with pleasure like that? Or taken a deep breath and exhaled with pure happiness and relaxation? Or been so in the zone that the hours flew by and you could have kept going forever and ever, whatever you were doing? We've all had glimpses (hopefully more) of what it feels like to be in our happy place mentally, physically, and/or emotionally, but how often do we stop to think about how and why we felt that way? What makes our happy place our happy place?  The answer will be different for everyone, of course, but when was the last time you tried to deconstruct your happy place experience? And more important, when was the last time you tried to re-create your happy place experience in even a small way? We are all affected by our physical environments. Without realizing it, the stresses around us, the energy around us, the people, and sounds, and smells around us all combine into one big experiential ball that affects our mood, our performance, our productivity, and our happiness. I've always known this about myself. I can feel myself tighten up when I walk into a soulless conference room, I can feel myself come alive when I'm in beautiful surroundings, I know I am more creative when I am somewhere with high ceilings and light or surrounded by nature. I know these things because I pay attention to how I feel and how I perform. And that's why I encourage my coaching clients and anyone else who is interested in my performance "hacks" to Curate Your Environment. This can be as simple as listening to relaxing music while you work at your desk, having a nice-smelling reed diffuser in your office, or using soft lighting instead of fluorescent bulbs. I do all of these things because I find spas really relaxing so why not make my working environment as spa-like as possible? It can also be as practical as turning off email alerts from your phone so you're not always feeling harried and "pinged" or avoiding social events where you'll run into people who irritate or deflate you. After all, if you don't curate your environment, other people will curate it for you. I know it's not always easy to control your environment. I don't live in a hermetically sealed bubble (and I'm guessing you don't either!). But we can focus on the things we can control and then curate our environments within those boundaries. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. The little changes can make a huge difference in how you feel AND how you perform. You know whether you are at your best in chaotic environments or in more chilled ones. You know whether you nail presentations when wearing a power suit or wearing something a little less constraining but still professional. You know whether you exercise more effectively surrounded by the high-octane energy of a gym or running on a nature trail. You may perform different activities at your best in different types of locations. I know when I am doing creative work or strategic, big-picture thinking, I need open, light, and beautiful spaces. I know when I want to push myself physically, I need the competition and variety of a team sport or obstacle course. I know when I am doing boring admin, I need to be in a "buzzy" place like a cafe or in my office. Our minds are incredibly powerful and we pick up hundreds of subtle and subconscious cues from our surroundings. Curating our environments gives us a chance to be and do more of our best more of the time. It just takes a little bit of reflection and a little bit of action. What's stopping you? As with all the tips in this series, you won't know how powerful Curating Your Environment can be until you try it. Everything I've shared over these 10 days has worked for me and made my life easier, happier, and less stressful and I hope it will do the same for you. Please let me know how you're getting on implementing what I've shared, and in the meantime, I'll wish you lots of time-full and stress-free days ahead. Until next time! "I have no idea what am I doing..."
That is one of the refrains I hear from so many new Entreprenoras when we first start working together. They are usually high-achieving professionals with backgrounds in law, finance, consulting, medicine, media, and IT, so it always surprises me when they express feelings of confusion or inadequacy when it comes to their new business. Now of course start-up life is new to them, so some of the anxiety is about the new-ness. But I always reassure them that starting a business is like working in any other business: It requires due diligence and financial analysis, operates under supply and demand dynamics, can be SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats) analyzed, is dictated by cash flow, and requires a good product-market fit. I could go on. Whatever business you're in, certain fundamentals hold true. It might feel terrifying or scary because it's new to you to be starting from scratch, but it's not rocket science (and if you are a rocket scientist, you probably have lots of transferrable skills you can bring to your new business too!)... So do an inventory of the skills you already have and USE them. Leverage the personal experiences and professional expertise that you can already bring to your business. And don't over-worry about the things you don't know how to do yet. (You can learn... that's why you're here!) If you were once a banker, your financial due diligence skills will be invaluable when you assess potential deals. If you were once in sales, those skills will be perfect in marketing and selling your new product or services. If you come from a non-profit background, you can use your grant-writing expertise to craft compelling Angel investor pitches. If you're a lawyer by training, you can kill it when it comes to reviewing business contracts. If you worked in IT, you can use your project management skills to manage your new product development. And on and on and on... You get the idea. You already have a lot of valuable skills that you can use in your new business, whether you start it as a side-hustle or jump into it full-time. So stop worrying about why you can't start, and start thinking about how you can use the skills you have to get started. Plug information gaps (being a part of this community will help!), get smart about your industry and trends, go to events, speak to people who are doing what you want to do, and then use the skills you already have to make a success of it. It won't be easy, but you have got this. |
Business Mentor
Virgin Startup |
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Entrepreneur in Residence
London Business School |
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