Rupal Y. Patel
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I don't know about you, but at some point every day I find myself feeling bad about where I'm not. It might just be that I have an over-developed sense of guilt (I mean I went to Catholic school for 13 years and come from a big Indian family, so the combo turns normal guilt trips into epic guilt pilgrimages) or it might just be that I always feel pulled in too many directions.
When I'm working, I worry that I'm not spending enough time nurturing my personal relationships and when I'm spending time with people I love, I worry that I should be doing something for my businesses and when I'm working diligently on my businesses, I worry that I'm not investing enough time on my health and fitness. It's a no-win situation that can drive anyone crazy. And I remember clearly the day a few years ago when I was going down a spiral of "I should be here, no I should be there, no wait, I NEED to be way over there..." and a really wise friend - who is a successful, seemingly non-stressed business owner (who travels all the time for her business) AND is a mom of three - gave me the best advice I have gotten for my business and my life in general: Make a decision and then own it. Now this little bit of advice might look obvious - and often the best advice is - but the profundity (now there's a big word for a Sunday morning!) lies precisely in its simplicity. And I can usually tell how profound advice is by how difficult it is for me to implement. In this case, it's that much harder because there are two parts: 1) making the decision, and 2) owning it. I find that as I've practiced and gotten better at 1 (Get Good at Being Decisive), I've really needed to up my game when it comes to 2. And damnnnnnnnnnnn, is it hard. Not because I abdicate responsibility for my decisions, but because with every decision I make, there is a trade-off, and in my heart of hearts I am an unrepentant maximalist so I hate that I can't have it all, be everywhere, do all the things, and be everything to everyone all at the same time. Trade-offs suck, but the grown-up (and homo economicus... gosh, I am being really nerdy today!) in me knows that trade-offs are inescapable. And it's only with time and practice and catching myself that I've gotten better at accepting that truth and being truly present wherever I am instead of agonizing about where I'm not. Because the thing is, once we make a decision, that should mean we have already considered the relevant facts beforehand. That should mean we have done our best to make the best decision with the circumstances we are given. And that should then mean that it is easier to own the decision - trade-offs and all - and move on. So now, whenever I am traveling to grow my business or spending evenings giving talks or writing on the weekends, I TRY to be fully present and focus on delivering the best talk, having the best meeting, writing the best chapter I can, and leave everything else where it is. And then when I am with my family, I TRY to focus fully on them, on what we are doing in the moment, and leave my phone and all of the things on my never-ending to-accomplish list physically and mentally out of the way. It's not easy, but I try as best I can. And I firmly believe (know!) that we are not compartmented people, despite what we tell ourselves, and we take everything with us wherever we go. But the key is not to let guilt come there with us too, because it will consume us AND the fun and success we could otherwise be experiencing if we hadn't invited guilt to the party. I get it. Like I said, I struggle with this on a near-daily basis. And there are no hacks that I've uncovered other than practice. So, the next time you start wishing you were somewhere else or feel guilty about where you are not, remind yourself that you decided to be wherever you are and then practice owning that decision. It will make being a grown-up, a boss, a business-owner, a leader, a parent, a partner, and a person that much easier AND will be a reminder that choice is a gift we shouldn't always spoil by wishing we had made a different one.
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Summer may already seem like a figment of our imaginations, but I gotta say, I love the “back to school” energy of September.
Around this time each year, I find myself bursting with new ideas, itching to do all the things, and craving stuff to do and places to go. BUT, I also recognize that while so much of success and progress depends on what we do, as much depends on what we don’t do. So on this fine September Sunday, I thought I’d share some essentials on what we can all stop, avoid, prevent, let go of, and kick to the curb. Essential Don’t # 1 - Don't hide behind "perfectionism" I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But too often, self-proclaimed perfectionism is just anxiety in disguise. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. But the thing is, done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect business is better than one that stays in your head. Get something out there and then improve, iterate, and - dare I say - perfect it later. Essential Don’t #2 - Don’t shy away from asking for what you want Whether we admit it or not, we all have standards and expectations and preferences for the way we want things to be done. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's stupid or over the top or irrelevant because no one else can tell us what we care about. And that's why it's so important, in life and in business, to ask for what you want. We wouldn't go to a coffee shop and expect the barista to know what we wanted without telling her (well, unless you're a regular and always order the same thing...), so why do we do that with our partners, our clients, our suppliers, or our colleagues? Why not just communicate what we want, exactly how we want it, and take the guesswork out of it? Why not be specific about when certain instructions are must-haves and when others can be executed within general parameters? It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but at least it leaves no room for mis-interpretation. And when we communicate what we want and are specific about it, it frees the people in our lives from the stress of not knowing and makes it easier for them to succeed. Essential Don’t #3 - Don't Always Listen to Your Customer There’s that great Henry Ford quote: “If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they would have said a faster horse.” And that is true for all of us. Sometimes a customer doesn't know what they want until you show it to them. And sometimes what they want is not part of your plan for your business. You can only offer what you can offer. Now, I'm not saying we should ignore our customers or pretend like their suggestions or requests are irrelevant. What I am saying is that we should work hard to make our service or product as good as possible, hold ourselves to really high standards in how we deliver it, commit to always improving, listen to feedback and requests, and then filter the feedback and requests. Some ideas might be worth considering, others might not. A request is not an order. Feedback is not a command. You don't always have to listen to your customer. And sometimes when they ask for a horse, you have to give them a Model T instead. Back in the early days of starting my business, I remember having some ugly moments. I would find myself looking around at the other entrepreneurs I knew and wishing for a piece of their action. There always seemed to be someone else doing more, making more, and achieving more than I was. And when I wasn't careful, those comparisons would deflate me and cause me to wonder if I should just give up and throw in the towel.
Maybe you've felt that way, too? Maybe you've watched friends, colleagues, family members, anyone else do or achieve something you wanted to and started to hate them for it (even if you never tried)? Success can feel hard, and when you're climbing up a hill, it's so easy to look at others and think of how much easier/better/luckier they have it, and then to want some of that for yourself too. But from the time we are born, we are never told how to handle jealousy. We're never given the tools to manage it responsibly. But like so many things in life, jealously doesn't have to be bad. It's just a feeling. And it's what we do with that feeling that makes it "good" or "bad." When I was in my jealous-woes all those years ago, my partner said to me: "It's normal to be jealous, but don't leave it at that. What can you learn from their success that will help you create success for yourself?" And just like that, I was given a formula to turn something ugly and destructive into something productive and helpful. Jealousy is okay. We don't have to wallow in despair and self-pity when we see others being successful. We don't have to see their success as a reason to give up on our own. (There is enough success out there for all of us). We don't have to quit just because someone else already did what we want to do. And we don't have to stop just because someone else is ahead of us. We can choose to be inspired instead of jealous. We can choose to open up instead of shut down. We can choose to see a role model instead of a rival. And most important, we can choose to use our envy to fuel us and drive us instead of stopping us in our tracks. It's not easy, but it can be that simple. We can use our envy for good. Over the weekend, I found myself getting really irritated as my husband was reading "The Ugly Duckling" to our daughter. I've never realized it before, but that popular children's tale is based on a totally false premise. The only reason the duckling is considered "ugly" is because it is being held to the wrong standard: it's being judged as a duck when it's really a swan.
Now this might seem like a forgivable literary contrivance (and I do like the soft revenge element at the end when the creature that was once teased and taunted suddenly becomes valued and vaunted), but when we do the same thing in our lives and businesses, it's less easy to dismiss. Standards have impact (just ask the poor swan who was bullied and rejected for being un-duck-like), and sometimes, maybe often-times, we use the wrong ones. I have lost track of the number of times I've judged myself based on an irrelevant or inappropriate metric. I've gotten dismayed about my business performance in Year X by comparing it to a far more developed business enjoying the success of Year Y. I've gotten despondent about my strength and muscle tone by comparing it to that of elite athletes working full time on their fitness. I've looked at any number of things going on in my business and had to fight the urge to compare it to someone else, something else, that is just different. My swan to their duck. But as we build and grow our businesses and craft lives of our own design, we have to be diligent against irrelevant standards. We have to make sure that any comparisons are appropriate (ducks with ducks, swans with swans, and all that). And then, perhaps, we have to let it all go anyway and find ways to judge ourselves by our own standards, our own values, and our own metrics for success. There's a great scene in the movie Office Space, where the secretary is needling the main character for not being chirpier as he drags himself into the office. "Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays," she says, not knowing he has just battled stop-and-go traffic, ducked-and-dived to avoid seeing his slimy boss, and skulked into his cubicle only to be interrupted by the sound of an annoying colleague on the phone. (It's a hysterical film, and I highly recommend it for some silly Sunday fun.)
I love that case-of-the-Mondays quote because it captures so succinctly the feeling that so many of us have at the beginning of the week. And even now, eight-plus years into being my own boss, Mondays can sometimes fill me with dread at all the stuff I have to do. But one of the magic tricks that I picked up years ago that has helped me cope better with that "Monday" feeling is this: reframing all of the things I feel I have to do, into things that I get to do. It's a small mental shift, but it can have a powerful effect on how we perceive the day, week, and tasks ahead. Because it reminds us that we are lucky, even if only in a small way, to have the opportunity and the ability to do the things we do. I don't HAVE to review my P&Ls, I GET to review them because I am in the happy position of being a director of two successful businesses and have a powerful brain that enables me to decipher numbers. I don't HAVE to take my daughters to nursery, I GET to walk them there because I am the lucky parent of two amazing children and have a healthy, functioning body that enables me to walk fast while pushing a stroller. I don't HAVE to get back in touch with a corporate client, I GET to email them because I have worked hard to develop the strong reputation I have, and others want to work with me. Do you see how the energy changes almost immediately? Very quickly we can go from feeling put upon and burdened to feeling lucky and energized. That's the power of what we "get" to do. This may not work every time, but it has a pretty good track record, and is a quick and easy way to change the way we feel about what's ahead of us. Little shifts like this, little energy boosts, little mental reframings, they all add up over the course of a day, a week, a lifetime, and before we know it, we've become do-ers instead of complainers, activated instead of deadened. So the next time we catch ourselves dragging our feet, hitting the snooze, moaning about what we have to do, let's remind ourselves that we get to do it, too. And not everyone is so lucky. Just a few hours ago, my family and I were sitting down for our traditional Sunday breakfast of pancakes, waffles, and smoothies. Our toddler kept running off to play with her Legos, and I kept trying to entice her back to the table, chasing her around the room with a fork full of food.
Finally, I resorted to the tried-and-true nuclear option: I told her that if she didn't come eat her food right now, then her father would eat it all up instead. And as the words were coming out of my mouth I caught myself. What the hell was I teaching our daughter? That we should only want something so that someone else can't have it? That even breakfast is a zero-sum game? That someone else's gain will always mean her loss? That she has to compete with her father for food? WTF? For so much of our lives we are given messages like this. Lack. Scarcity. Competition. Winner take all. Zero-sum. Only room for one. Someone else has already done it so don't bother. And sometimes, without realizing it or wanting to, we send the same messages back out. But the world isn't like this. And we need to stop living under a scarcity mindset. Sure, there are some things that are genuinely scarce: the element astatine (yes, I Googled that), opportunities to walk on the moon, endangered animals like pikas (Googled that too), and women at the top of pretty much every field you can think of. But many, many other things are not. And it's only once we start having a more abundant mindset that we will see that one person's success doesn't predetermine our stasis, that one person's beauty doesn't diminish our own, that one person's financial gain doesn't mean our poverty, and that one person's critical acclaim doesn't deem us unworthy. In pretty much every aspect of our lives we constrain ourselves with our scarcity mindset, when what we really need to do is start thinking more abundantly. To do away with "All the clients are gone" "All the good partners are already taken" "All the positions I want are filled" "All the art has already been created", and start thinking "Where can I find the right clients for my unique offering?" "Where can I find a partner who will bring out the best in me?" "How can I expand my job search to find a perfect fit?" "How can I create art that is different or unique?" (Spoiler alert: everything you do will be unique because there is no other you out there.) Do you see how the the first is a set of statements, declarative and fixed, that focus our minds on scarcity and lack? And do you see how the second is a set of questions, open-ended and expansive, that challenge our minds to think creatively and abundantly? What a huge difference. So the next time you find yourself saying or doing something from a place of lack or limitation, and telling yourself that you can't be/do/have something because someone else already is/does/has that thing, then please, please, please remind yourself that the world is full of pancakes, metaphoric and actual. And if someone has already eaten the stack you thought was supposed to be yours, you can always make more and make them your own. I have never been the type of person who enjoys exercise for its own sake. Now, don't get me wrong. I love being strong. I love pushing myself physically. And man do I love to sweat. BUT, I have always struggled with workout routines because I much prefer exercise to be incidental (like from dancing) or functional (like training for sports) or me-against-the-course (like competing in Tough Mudder), than for it to be something I just do.
Because boredom is the fastest way for me to quit something - and I don't want to quit on my health - I'm always on the look out for ways to keep exercise interesting for me. So when my personal trainer posted a challenge to do 500 skips (ie, jumping rope) every day in May, I was all in. And the sheer satisfaction I get from doing it, the mental anguish I feel until I complete it, and the thrill I get from ticking it off my list got me thinking. In so many ways, I prefer to live and work the way I eat: tapas-style. I like to have a little of a lot. I get bored easily. (And damn, do I get food envy!) And I need visual, physical, and mental variety. Everything that I have ever been consistent with in my life has scratched this itch. But it wasn't until I started jumping rope that I realized how much this is true. My career has always involved multi-functional roles. The businesses I started have me doing lots of different things each day. My schedule is anything but, and varies day by day with predictable unpredictability. If I tried to do the same thing every single day, I would go brain dead. But maybe you're different. Maybe you love consistency. Maybe you love predictability. Maybe you want to know exactly what you will be doing at 8:43pm on Thursday 13 July. And that's okay too. Because once you tune into what YOU need, and what works for YOU, it's important to hack the hell out of it and work it to your advantage in life, work, everything. For the magpie in me, this means doing 500 skips and then doing a ballet class later that day so that exercise stays interesting. It means writing for a few hours and then doing financial analysis later that day so that work stays interesting. It means having yogurt and honey, one piece of toast, coffee, a smoothie, and fruit in the morning instead of a huge bowl of cereal so that nutrition stays interesting. Doing lots of things does NOT mean multi-tasking - which is a terrible waste of time - but it does mean doing a variety of discreet things one-at-a-time to make the most of my personality. And instead of wishing I were different, trying to force myself to be someone I'm not, I'm finding new ways to leverage my tapas-style tendencies so that I stay consistent with the things I want to stay consistent with (exercise, business growth, nutrition). And the reason I'm sharing this, is because if you want to make a positive change, accomplish something important, push yourself higher - and make the change, accomplishment, or growth sustainable over the long-term - you don't have to change who you are, you have to be MORE in line with who you are. If you're a planner, make a plan before you get going. If you're intuitive, tune into your intuition before you get going. If you're a worrier, work through all your worries before you get going. Use who you are as an advantage, instead of as an excuse to stay fused in place. And if I can help you get there - wherever "there" may be - you know where to find me. If you've been with me for a while, you'll know that my husband and I are lucky parents to a toddler and a baby. And while parenting (or life!) is never easy, I've always found the first year with a newborn particularly draining, physically and emotionally.
With our 6-month old, we had been struggling with bad sleep and bleary-eyed days. For almost 3 months, she was waking up 4-6 times a night, and sometimes our toddler would wake up too just to be a part of the action. And all this night waking meant inevitably short-tempered days for all of us and my feeling at my less-than-best. All of the parents around us had been suggesting we sleep train our baby, and after weeks of misery and illogical resistance, we finally gave in and started on a schedule and a let-her-cry-it-out-at-night plan. And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my what a difference it has made. In less than a week, she started sleeping through the night, and we are ALL far more human and humane for it. And I realized that this pattern is how so much growth and positive change in life happens: we make it hard for ourselves, despite knowing there are better alternatives, and then when we finally start on a path towards where we want to be, things are really difficult before they get easy. For our newborn, the first few nights of her new routine she cried for almost an hour before falling asleep. And my husband and I would stare at the monitor, our hearts (and our ears!) cringing. But then she cried for shorter bursts, and then shorter, and shorter, until she started sleeping straight through the night. But those first few nights were brutal. And I wanted to run in and comfort her. I wanted to do something, anything to make it stop. But I didn't. And thank goodness for it. Because now we have a much better and a sustainable way of living and sleeping. It was - as my brother so wisely offered - short-term pain for long term-gain. But too often, and for too many of us, we never start - or we quit to soon - precisely because it is so hard in the short-term. I hear this so many times from the solopreneurs in my group mastermind who resist making a new hire or getting some admin support because "it is too hard to train someone new" or "by the time I teach someone else, I could have done it myself." And then they struggle with burnout and wonder why staying "Chief Everything Officer" isn't working. I hear this so many times from the corporate leaders I coach, who resist putting themselves out there to shine because it feels "icky" and "self-promotey" even though they know being more authentically visible will help them achieve their career goals. And then they wonder why they never get noticed for the right reasons and why they feel stuck in professional limbo. And I hear this so many times from the business school students I mentor who are trying to change careers or want to start their own businesses, but are too "scared" to do something new because there is "too much to learn." And then they wonder why they aren't happy when they go back to their previous careers and why they feel deflated and rudderless. And what I share with all of them - and what I re-learned with my baby daughter just a few weeks ago - is that EVERYTHING is hard before it gets easy. That's just how it is. Everything starts out awkward and icky and scary and overwhelming. Everything worth having requires us to get comfortable with discomfort. Everything is hard, hard, so damned hard before it gets a little easier, and a little easier, and easier still until what we once thought impossible or not for us becomes something we simply do. It's like my brother said, it's short-term pain for long-term gain. And we all owe it to ourselves, to our dreams, our ambitions, our businesses, our relationships to do the important hard things now before it's too late. Before we get complacent or bored or deflated. And before the windows of opportunity close. Think about what you are denying yourself because it's too hard. Think about what are you delaying because it feels awkward to start. Think about what you are diminishing because you can't be bothered to put in the effort. And then decide to do it anyway. I don't know about you, but so often - sometimes every day - there comes a point in my day when I feel bad about where I'm not and what I am not doing. It might just be that I have an over-developed sense of guilt (I mean I went to Catholic school for 13 years and come from a big Indian family, so the combo turns normal guilt trips into epic guilt pilgrimages) or it might just be that I always feel pulled in too many directions.
When I'm working, I worry that I'm not spending enough time nurturing my personal relationships and when I'm spending time with people I love, I worry that I should be doing something for my businesses and when I'm working diligently on my businesses, I worry that I'm not investing enough time on my health and fitness. It's a no-win situation that can drive anyone crazy. And I remember clearly the day a few years ago when I was going down a spiral of "I should be here, no I should be there, no wait, I NEED to be way over there..." and a really wise friend - who also happens to be a very successful, seemingly non-stressed business owner (who travels all the time for her business) AND is a mom of three - gave me the best advice I have gotten for my business and my life in general: Make a decision and then own it. Now this little bit of advice might look obvious - and often the best advice is - but the profundity (now there's a big word for a Sunday) lies precisely in its simplicity. And I can usually tell how profound advice is by how difficult it is for me to implement. In this case, it's that much harder because there are two parts: 1) making the decision, and 2) owning it. I find that as I've practiced and gotten better at 1, I've really needed to up my game when it comes to 2. And damnnnnnnnnnnn, is it hard. Not because I abdicate responsibility for my decisions, but because with every decision I make, there is a tradeoff, and in my heart of hearts I am a maximalist who hates that I can't be everywhere, do all the things, and be everything to everyone all the time. Tradeoffs suck, but the grown-up in me knows that tradeoffs are inescapable. And it's only with time and practice and catching myself that I've gotten better at accepting that truth and being truly present wherever I am instead of agonizing about where I'm not. Because the thing is, once we make a decision, that should mean we have already considered the relevant facts beforehand. That should mean we have done our best to make the best decision with the circumstances we are given. And that should then mean that it is easier to own the decision - tradeoffs and all - and move on. So now, whenever I am doing something to grow my businesses or spending evenings giving talks or taking afternoons to write my book, I TRY to be fully present and focus on delivering the best talk, having the best meeting, writing the best chapter, and leave everything else where it is. And then when I am with my family (my two daughters in particular), I TRY to focus fully on them, on what we are doing in the moment, and leave my phone and all of the things on my never-ending to-accomplish list physically and mentally out of the way. It's not easy, but I try as best I can. And I firmly believe (know!) that we are not compartmented people, despite what we tell ourselves, and that we take everything with us wherever we go. But the key is not to let the guilt come there with us too, because it will consume us AND the fun and success we could otherwise be experiencing if we hadn't invited guilt to the party. I get it. Like I said, I struggle with this on a near-daily basis. And there are no hacks that I've uncovered other than practice. So, the next time you start wishing you were somewhere else or feel guilty about where you are not, remind yourself that you decided to be wherever you are and then practice owning that decision. It will make being a grown-up, a boss, a business-owner, a leader, a parent, a partner, and a person that much easier AND will be a reminder that choice is a gift we shouldn't always spoil by wishing we had made a different one. When I was at the CIA, one of our core mission values was “speaking truth to power.” This wasn’t just a nicety plastered on the walls. This was something we all were called on to live each day in big and small ways. Sometimes that meant pushing back against a supervisor’s opinion, other times that meant telling the President of the United States that a specific policy simply wasn’t working.
It was uncomfortable and awkward and sometimes terrifying, but there was a strong culture of being honest, of “knowing the truth and letting the truth make you free,” even when that truth hurt. Sure, there were times when we did this imperfectly, and times when we did it messily, or less fully, but we did it. And that’s how it is for our personal values too. We have to live them for them to count as being ours. If we say we value family, but spend our whole day working (even if it’s work we enjoy and care about) and only show up for bedtimes and mealtimes, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value our health, but eat whatever pre-wrapped garbage is easiest to swallow because we’re so busy with other things that we can’t eat actual food, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value integrity, but always cut corners or do things half-assed because we can’t be bothered to give it our all, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. And - truth bomb alert - if we say we value ourselves, but don’t look after our health, don’t go to the doctor about that niggling thing, don’t invest in ourselves, don’t stand up for ourselves, and don’t tell that inner voice in our heads to shut up when she’s being a banshee about how we look or how we perform, that’s not living our values. We definitely don’t get to claim that one. We don’t get to say we value family, health, integrity, ourselves and then live differently. That’s not how it works. Either we’re honest about how we are living and say we really value work, junk food, expedience, and being shitty to ourselves OR we change our behavior and get to claim the values that we want to have (family, health, integrity, ourselves). Too often we overcomplicate things. We are hypocrites about things. And we keep intangible things like values too intangible. But if we say we care about something, then we have to show we care about it with what we do everyday. It is as simple as that. I got an email the other day from a company I love where they were celebrating the gradual and here-before-we-know-it end of lockdown. For a split second, I shared in their joy and thought to myself "YESSSSS! Finally!"... and then a split second later, I thought "Oh nooooo."
Now, I know the past year has been crazy and difficult and stressful in so many big and small ways, but there are definitely some things I will miss about our current pace of life and living when things go back to "normal." For example, I am a very social person, but also a home-body. And lockdown has given me so much precious time at home. Yes, sometimes I wanted to punch through the walls through sheer boredom or frustration, but a lot of the times, I thought how happy I was to not be rushing around like a headless chicken to endless social events, work meetings, and all manner of things that filled up my days in The Before Times. In many ways, my pre-COVID life was full of busy-ness instead of business. And I really do not miss the busy-ness. Or the pressure to go out. Or the demands for in-person meetings. Or all the stuff that filled my diary, but sometimes sapped my spirits. I'm going to miss this slower pace of life. The way we have all focused our expectations on nothing but essentials. The chances we have all been given to be inward instead of always outward. And maybe, just maybe, there are things about lockdown life that you'll miss too? Because I know myself. I miss seeing people. And I am terrified that as soon as we can, I'll be running here, there, and everywhere to make up for "lost" time, instead of remembering and treasuring how much time I gained by not running here, there, and everywhere for the past year. But I'm not going to despair, and neither should you. Because forewarned is forearmed, and all that. We know what is coming over the next few months, we know how things will be opening up, and we know - most important of all - about ourselves. So let's take time now, while we still can and while we still have breathing room, to plan for how we are going to protect all we gained during lockdown, how we are going to reign ourselves in, and how we are going to create and enforce the boundaries we need. And let's remember to do whatever we can to be thoughtful about how we are living and leading before we rush back to what life was like before lockdown gave us the gifts it did. Late last year after I gave birth to our second daughter, I was having a conversation with my doula that turned philosophical (big life changes have a way of bringing out my inner Socrates). She said that here in the West, we have gotten so accustomed to easy lives of comfort that we feel entitled to happiness and chase it obsessively. We hide from pain, avoid discomfort, rush through difficulty, try to wish away anything that feels awkward.
But what if we let go of the pursuit of happiness, and chased something deeper instead? What if we traded happiness for aliveness? Because we all know happiness can be elusive. And the world doesn't owe us anything. Reality takes liberties with our dreams. Life doesn't conform to our plans. And over and over, because that is just how it is, we face set backs and challenges, and choppy waters and all manner of things that don't go our way. But truly feeling the feels, letting it be okay when things are not okay, accepting the downs with the ups, that is being alive. And by choosing to embrace aliveness, we can find meaning in the "stuff" that makes us unhappy and infuse even the hardest times in our lives with purpose and energy. And we can let ourselves experience the toughness - learn from it, grow from it, become more resilient from it - instead of always rushing to escape from it. By embracing aliveness - and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it - we can find power and strength in ourselves that we may not have known was there if we had only ever forced the happiness agenda. On the Entreprenora Boardroom, a small group of founders come together twice a month and grapple with the many big and small issues we all face as founders and leaders. And one of the themes that comes up again and again is around owning our worth, and not literally or figuratively selling ourselves short.
I know the past 12 months have been a sucker punch to us all. Many of us have had to pivot like crazy and are spinning endless plates under increased personal, emotional, and practical pressure. In many ways, it has been relentless. BUT, I also know that the way we treat ourselves and our businesses communicates something powerful to the world about how it can treat us back. While customers and growth are important, we also need to remind ourselves that it's okay to leave money on the table if those customers or that growth devalues who we are and what we have to offer. It's not black or white, of course, but some money is simply not worth bringing into our businesses, and some of our assets are simply not for sale. We can say no to investors who think they "own" us (yes, there investors who use those words). We can respectfully push back against customers who demand and demand but never appreciate when we provide and provide (80% of the "trouble" usually accounts for only 20% of the revenue). Or we can tactfully "fire" clients whose values simply don't align with ours. When we say no to things, when we create boundaries around what we will and won't accept, when we create spaces in our businesses, it is often painful. But nature abhors a void, and by leaving some things behind, we make room for better things ahead. I have been having lots of tough-love conversations recently with my coaching clients around their plans for their businesses and their goals for this year, and I wanted to share some of that energy with you.
Now, 2020 was a mo-fo of a year, there is no escaping that. Many of us faced challenges or hurdles like we've never faced before. Many of our businesses had to be totally overhauled or revamped. Many of our lives were rocked by lockdown. And many of us are still reeling from the uncertainties of the world around us. BUT. Many of us also flourished in 2020. We made massive progress. We launched new businesses. We pivoted and persevered and helped others along the way. We made stuff happen day in, day out. And that's why sometimes we need to shake ourselves and remember how easy it is for us to do hard things. And that if we really want to build the life and success we want then we can either make excuses or we can make things happen. This is always true. Even before COVID, there have been challenges and shocks. Even before COVID we have faced uncertainty and upheaval. Even before COVID our personal lives have been overhauled by change. After my first daughter was born I ran a business full-time and held investor meetings or important phone calls while breastfeeding. After a health complication, I went for daily hour-plus walks because I needed time away from the gym to recouperate but didn't want to give up on my body. After a major financial shock, I mercilessly eliminated costs in my personal and business life and got hustling to make more money and get more clients. I bring up these very personal examples because each of them represent a choice: self-respect over self-sacrifice, self-care over self-pity, self-preservation over self-destruction. And I say this not because I am super-human or perfect in any way, but because I am very normal. I am just like you. You have done the same. You have persevered when you wanted to give up. You have fought when you wanted to let go. You have found a way forward when it would have been easier to float backward. You made the same types of proactive and productive choices in different parts of your life at different times of your life. You did that. And I'm here to remind you of your own power because it's so easy to think others are better, more resilient, harder working, or luckier than we are. But we know that's not true. We are ALL doers. So, remember my dear Entreprenoras, as you look to the year ahead, as you look to grow past the year that's gone, YOU can do hard things. You have done hard things. And YOU are either already the type of woman who makes things happen, or you already have it in you to be her more often. Just a few years ago, I remember feeling excited and proud that I had gotten to the point in my business where I needed to hire not one, but TWO new assistants. I was over-stretched and overwhelmed at the time, and was excited to have two people to pass all my "stuff" on to. I had made it!
But ahhh, how quickly that pride turned to disappointment. Before the first month was out, one of the assistants decided she didn't want to work. And before the year was out, it was clear the other assistant wasn't moving my business forward. It was only when both of them had gone that my business started to flourish and grow towards its potential again. Not only had I cut costs, I realized that some of the work they were doing manually was better done using a software, and some of the other work they were doing was simply a waste of time or padded with "nice to haves". It wasn't sexy having zero employees again, but it was better. And that's why I am now so careful to recognize that it's not the "more" or the vanity metrics or the catchy sound-bites that tell us when we have "made it"; its the results and impact. It's not the mindless inputs, but the thoughtful outputs. It's not how little we sleep, but how much we accomplish while awake. It's not the number of hours we work, but the number of high-value things that get done in those hours. It's not working harder that is something to be proud of; it's working smarter. Sure, sometimes we should be proud when we hire someone. And sure, sometimes we should be proud of how hard we work and how much we give up to achieve our goals (life is about tradeoffs, after all). BUT, we should also watch what we are proud of and make sure that we are proud of the things that have a real, measurable, and positive impact on us and our businesses and not just the things that sound impressive or make us look - or feel - like business bad-asses. Watch what you are proud of and the other "stuff" will take care of itself. As I've grown my two businesses, I've found myself asking for some seemingly unusual things: for assistants to use certain fonts in presentations, to send me information in bullet points instead of block text, to lay workbooks for an event at specific angles, or to use paperclips instead of staples.
And every time I give very clear direction, a small voice in the recesses of my mind chuckles a bit because what others might see as being diva-ish I see as being decisive. Whether we admit it or not, we all have standards, and expectations, and preferences for the way we want things to be done. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's stupid or over the top because no one else can tell us what we care about. Because the thing is, I would rather be the type of leader and partner who is clear about my expectations instead of a passive-aggressive one who pretends not to care but then fumes and burns inside. We don't go into restaurants and expect waiters to know what we want, so why do we do that with our partners, our clients, our suppliers, or our colleagues? Why not just communicate what we want, exactly how we want it, and take the guesswork out of it? Why not be specific about when certain instructions are must-haves and when others can be executed within general parameters? It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but at least it leaves no room for mis-interpretation. And then any results that are other than what we've asked for are failures of execution, not failures of communication. This isn't to put blame on others or take responsibility away from ourselves. Quite the opposite: when we communicate what we want and are specific about it, it puts total responsibility on us to be clear, and frees the people in our lives from the stress of not knowing. Good instructions and communication set everyone up to succeed, not fail. If you want your co-founder to do more of the tedium that has ended up on your desk, ask them to help. If you want your partner to help out at home more so you have time to build your business, ask them to help. If you want your bookkeeper to send you your P&L statements each month so you can review them, ask them to do it. If you want something but aren't sure whether it exists, ask Google if it does. Ask, ask, ask, and ask again. And be specific about what you want. The more you ask, the more you'll get and - more important - the more you'll see that being a good leader or CEO or partner or parent isn't about testing other people to read your mind, it's about giving them the tools and instructions to succeed without having to do so. We are finally here. The last 10 lessons of my 40 Learned by 40 AND the end of 2020. What a year it's been for all of us. When our minds next meet, it will be 2021 so let me pause for a second and wish you a warm, serene, and settled close to the year.
We've all proven to ourselves that no matter what the world throws our way, we will survive and come our stronger and smarter, so let's bring that inner flame of confidence with us as we look ahead to everything we have planned for 2021 and beyond. Watch out world, here we come... ...And here come the last 10 lessons in my series! 31 – Release the guilt and own your decisions – There will always be conflicting pulls on our time, energy, and resources. But instead of torturing ourselves with guilt about where we use that time, energy, and resources, let’s be grown-ups about what we choose to do and own our decisions, consequences and all. 32 – Protect what you already have – It’s easier to keep what you’ve got than it is to get more. So value and take care of your time, your income, your relationships, your investments, your customers, your health, everything you already have before you go looking for more. 33 – ASK – If you don’t ask, you don’t get. The worst than can happen is you’ll get ignored or hear “no” so ask for what you want or need, and be specific. You won't always get it, but at least you tried. 34 – Don’t focus on the void – It’s important to keep our eyes to the future and the goals we want to achieve, but it’s equally important that we recognize how far we’ve already come and how much we already have. 35 – Set and enforce boundaries – You have to be your own strictest guardian otherwise the rest of the world will live your life for you. 36 – Batch, batch, batch – There is a simple power in doing like activities in batches (checking email, making phone calls, paying bills, etc) instead of frittering your time jumping from one discreet task to another task. Batching will keep you sane and make you more productive than you thought you could be. 37 – Pay yourself first – This means emotionally, physically, and financially. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Think of it as being self-full instead of selfish. 38 – Run your own race – Comparisonitis is a bastard and will keep you from making progress and doing the things that are important to you. Don’t live your life with your head on a swivel. Or as my dad would say “Live an absolute life, not a relative one.” 39 – Capture your year – There is nothing like keeping track of the lessons learned each year and crystalizing what went well, where things could have improved, and learning as much as you can from your experiences. If you don’t capture what you learn along the way, life can end up being a series of repeated mistakes and opportunities for growth lost. 40 – PERSIST and keep going – One of my favorite quotes captures this perfectly: “Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.” And one final bonus lesson that has been my personal mantra: Say yes to adventure! Accumulate great stories instead of great things. From performing in London 2012, to working at the CIA, to starting multiple businesses, to living on a farm in the middle-of-nowhere Costa Rica, I’ve never said no to an adventure, and I’ve never regretted it once. We only get one shot at life. Make it count. And make it fun! We are coming up to the final 20, and some of my favorite lessons are still to come! Hope you're enjoying these as much as I have enjoyed reflecting on what to include. Here we go...
21 – Decide against fear – Control what you can control and don’t let fear get in the way. It can be as simple as choosing not to be afraid and reminding yourself that so often (maybe always) F.E.A.R. is just False Expectations Appearing Real. 22 – Expand the life of your mind – Being alive and being human is about so much more than financial or professional milestones. Take time to regularly feed your brain thoughts and ideas that you’ve never come across and inspiration from other fields. You don’t have to become a polymath, but we all owe it to ourselves to be interesting and interested in the bigger world. 23 – Watch what you are proud of – Measure what matters to you and don’t worry about “vanity metrics.” 24 – Have a plan, but be flexible – The world likes to take liberties with even the most meticulously detailed plan, so have a Plan B, Plan C, and maybe even a Plan D. 25 – Be “there” now – It’s so important to have goals and aspirations and ideals that we are striving for, but the trick to being happy (most of the time) is to find the right balance between striving for what you want and contentment with what you’ve got. 26 – Use the compound effect to work for you – Even small decisions, accumulated over time can have massive impacts. For example, spending just 15 minutes a day on something adds up to almost 4 days’ worth of time over a year. Be careful with the “small stuff” and the “big stuff” will take care of itself. 27 – Track your stats – Keep track of where specifically your time, energy, and money is going. You need to have an objective measure of what you are and are not doing to see where there might be room for correction or redirection. As Plato said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." 28 – It’s ALL been done before… but not by YOU – It’s so easy to get disheartened or to succumb to comparison-it is when we are doing something new because it seems everyone has already beaten us to it. And the truth is, they have! But whether you’re writing a novel, opening up a café, or starting the next Google, only YOU can bring your you-ness and your take on things to the world. That is enough. 29 – Saturate your mind – Our brains are computers so Garbage In = Garbage Out. Saturate your mind with high-quality, high-value thoughts, ideas, conversation, and inspiration and see the difference it makes. 30 – Sometimes it’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission – Enough said. Last week I shared some of my top lessons from a life of four decades, and I'm back for the next 10. Hope you enjoy!
11 – Never stop learning – I know you don’t need the reminder, but when you stop learning, you stop growing. Whether about yourself, about business, or about any topic that interests you, keep learning and expanding your mind. You are your biggest asset. 12 – Commit to the process, not the outcome – Results come LAST. Get comfortable with repetition, tedium, trade-offs, and doing the right thing consistently, and the results will take care of themselves. 13 – Take some of the pressure off – Setting goals and deadlines is important, but remember goals and deadlines are also arbitrary. As long as you keep moving forward, it’s okay if things take a little longer or come out a little differently than you expected. 14 – There is time… – Everything doesn’t have to happen this year, and you don’t have to do all the things. Choose a few things you care about and commit to them. There is time for everything. 15 – …But don’t wait too long – Finding the balance between urgency and contentment is a life-long practice, so practice until you find what works for you. 16 – Put yourself “out there” – When you shine, you give others permission to do the same, so don’t hide your light under a bushel or minimize yourself to make others feel better. No one is served by you playing small. 17 – Anything is possible – You can retire by 38, do push ups while 8 months pregnant, have successful careers in widely different fields, make a lot of money and not turn into a jerk, live your dream lifestyle, and so much more… I know because I’ve done all of that, and if I can, you can. If one person can do anything then another person can. The trick is to learn how, find role models, coaches, supporters, communities where what you want to achieve is the norm. And if you can’t find a role model “out there”, then… 18 – Be your own role model – Prove to yourself what you are capable of. Be the first person to do what you do. Roger Bannister didn’t let a lack of role models stop him from becoming the first person to run a 4-minute mile, Madam CJ Walker didn’t let a lack of examples keep her from becoming the first woman (and first black woman) millionaire in America in the early 1900s. You don’t need to “see it to be it”; sometimes you have to be it so others can see it. 19 – Work smarter, not harder – Better to do 1 hour of “smart” work than 100 hours of “hard” work. Think of ways to do things faster, easier, and with less input from you instead of punishing yourself with more, more, and more. 20 – Focus on what you can control – Don’t get mired in hand-wringing, worrying, or wallowing when problems arise; take a breath, vent if you need to, then focus on what you CAN do about whatever plagues you and keep moving. Till next week. "I have so much lost time to make up for!"
That is one of the refrains I hear more and more as we come to the end of this difficult year. It is hard not to feel like 2020 was a wasted year, when so much has been taken and so much focus has been on what we can't do and who we can't see. But one of the lessons I hope stays with us from this annus horribilis is a new appreciation for what we DO have, instead of waiting for it to be taken away from us before we realize how lucky we are. As people with drive and vision, we can sometimes be so focused on the void, on what is missing or left to be done. We want to build and grow and change the world and be our own boss and through all that achieving and goal-orienteering, we can lose daily sight of what is important forever, and what we have right now. We can forget to enjoy our snippets of free time while we work hard to buy back our time. We can squander precious opportunities to be present with loved ones in our pursuit to build a legacy for them. We can forget who we are doing all this for - or why we are doing it - while they, or it, are right in front of us. And we can sometimes, maybe often-times, neglect ourselves and our health. Getting the balance right, however we define "right", can be a struggle. There are always trade-offs to make and priorities to juggle in the precious minutes we get each day. But in our frenzied minds and hectic days, let's make sure we make a point to take time and pause for reflection. To be thankful. To appreciate. To be present. To take care. And to be there - wherever that elusive "there" is - now, in whatever way we can. Success is no substitute for health. And achievement is no substitute for love. Instead of speeding up and cramming in more to make up for "lost" time, let's remember to sometimes slow down and do less and make the most of the time we have, the people we have, the success we have. And let's remember who or what we are doing all this growing and building and achieving for, and protect and cherish it along the way. I know it isn't the "done thing" for a woman to reveal her age, but I've always found that such a silly idea. To me, age has always been a totally arbitrary marker of everything other than base chronology (we all know "old" people who are are "young" and "young" people who seem to be "dead" already).
But "milestone" ages (again arbitrary in that they tend to end in "0"s or "5"s) can also be a great trigger for change, evaluation, and reflection. That's why I thought I'd celebrate my 40th year of life on this amazing planet by summarizing some of the biggest lessons I've learned. The list isn't exhaustive, but these are some of the key ideas that have helped me breathe life into life and reminded me that anything really is possible. There are no shortcuts to success, but a life better, more thoughtfully, and more happily led are what I know you will gain from what I share. I say that with the confidence that comes from experience (I won’t say “age” just yet!). So get reading, get going, and keep growing... 1 – Mindset is everything – Get your head “right” and everything else will come. If I had to distil the wisdom of the world into one idea, it would be this. If you do nothing else for yourself, build and work on your mindset. 2 – Work on your money blocks – We all have them, and if you’ve never heard of them, I recommend you get googling. It’s amazing how things we don’t know are there can hold us back. (Australian coach Denise Duffield-Thomas, and Entreprenora Caroline Hughes do some great work around money blocks.) 3 – Be careful who you take advice from – There’s that irreverent quote about opinions and (*ahem*) a certain body part… everyone’s got them! So make sure whoever you listen to has been there, done that with regards to what they are giving you advice about. All opinions are not created equal. 4 – Trust but verify – This is true for everyone, but perhaps especially so about colleagues, co-workers, suppliers, or employees. Default to trust, but make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. Some (maybe many) people will only do the bare minimum or what they can get away with. 5 – You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with… CHOOSE CAREFULLY! – Sit and reflect on this for a few minutes, and do a mental inventory of your five. Either they’re helping you move forward, or pulling you backwards. There is no standing still. (If I had to distil the wisdom of the world into a second key idea, it would be this.) 6 – Curate your environment – This is true about your physical, mental, social, and emotional environment. Get rid of the garbage and fill your personal space with high quality thoughts, things, people and places. We respond to, and are a product of, our surroundings far more than we may realize. 7 – Be deliberate and *selective* with yes’es – Don’t fall into the trap of yes’ing your way through life; be careful about where, how, and with whom you invest your time, energy, and resources. "Yes" and "no" are two of the most powerful words in your life arsenal. 8 – Be decisive – "Successful people are quick to make a decision and slow to change their mind; unsuccessful people are slow to make a decision and quick to change their mind." Be the successful one: decisive, but not hasty; deliberate, but not daft. Make a decision, make the best of it, tweak it, and keep moving. Ever forward, ever upward. One decision at a time. 9 – Demand a true partner – Don’t settle for a half-a$$ed commitment from anyone in your life. Share the mental, practical, financial, and administrative load equitably with the life and business partners you have. It will take some difficult conversations to get there, but don't shy away from having them. 10 – Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you – It's great to be the "dumbest" person in the room because it means we are growing and stretching ourselves... and that we are humble enough to know that we can't and don't need to be experts at everything. I'll see you next week for the next instalment of my "Top 40". I love a good quote. I've got a notebook full of wisdom uttered from the mouths of everyone from Plato to Tupac Shakur and every now and then when I have a good flick through, I come upon a new gem or find new significance for an old classic.
It was during a recent flip through that I came back upon one of my all time favorites, a real diamond from Henry Ford: "If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they would have asked for a faster horse... Idiots!" Now, I know Ford didn't call his potential customers idiots, but I'm guessing he was probably thinking it. And I love that Ford, inventor and industrial revolutionary, was like "Hey, you know what customers? Forget you! I'm building something great here, and what you think you want is irrelevant. So get back in your slow-a$$ carriages and scram!" How gutsy, how totally against the grain of our nice-nice society, how incredibly brave to say to a customer you're NOT always right. Because the thing is, dear Entreprenoras, our customers can sometimes be our worst enemies. They will ask and ask and ask and the trouble is, sometimes what they want is something you can't or shouldn't give. And sometimes even when you DO give your customer what they want, they change their mind and decide they don't want it anymore and then you've wasted all that time and effort and money for nothing. How frustrating! For example, just a few short weeks ago, on the heels of an over-subscribed event, I polled my waiting list and other potential customers to see if they'd like me to run the event again. I got almost two dozen thumbs-ups so got busy putting everything together, setting up the ticket site, ordering workbooks, clearing my weekend, and after all that, guess what? Guess how many customers bought what they asked for once I had it ready for them? Exactly zero. "But I did what you asked!" I wanted to scream at the registration page. "Where did you all go?" I wanted to shout into the wind. But all I got in response was crickets. And it reminded me again that I don't always have to listen to my customers and I don't always have to oblige. My customers aren't always right. And neither are yours. We can only offer what we can offer. And sometimes a customer doesn't know what they want until you show it to them (like the Model T). And sometimes what they want is not part of YOUR plan for your business, so you have to just ignore it. I'm not saying we should ignore all customer feedback or pretend like all requests are irrelevant. What I am saying is that we should work hard to make our service or product as good as possible, hold ourselves to really high standards in how we deliver them, commit to always improving, listen to feedback and requests, and then filter the feedback and requests. Some ideas might be worth considering, others might not. A request is not an order. Feedback is not a command. Take on board what your customers say and then use your best judgment to filter and decide what is worth implementing and what is worth forgetting about. Your relationship with your customer is exactly that: a relationship. And like in all relationships, one side isn't always right or more important. Your relationship is a conversation, an exchange, and sometimes you will have to agree to disagree. If Henry Ford hadn't disagreed, how far behind would automotive technology and car culture be now? If you don't sometimes disagree, how far behind will you be in growing your business according to your vision? You don't always have to listen to your customer. And sometimes when they ask for a horse, you have to give them a Model T instead. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..."
Ever heard those words before? I'm guessing that you've often found some version of that "perfectionist's creed" playing in a loop in your head as you've started and grown your business (and run your day-to-day life!). I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But perfect at all things? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more I hear it from my clients, and the more I try to train myself out of it, the more I see self-proclaimed perfectionism as something quite different: laziness and anxiety in disguise. Let me explain. First of all, I think we can agree that doing anything "perfectly" is basically impossible because "perfect" is subjective. What I think is perfect, others might think sucks, and what they think is perfect, I might find seriously flawed. Perfect is a standard that we define and our definition will inevitably be different to someone else's. Secondly, perfectionism is often used as an excuse for not doing something - "Oh, that website, will never be as perfect as I want it to be, so I may as well not build it"; "My business will never be as big as I want it to be, so I'm not going to start it"; "This marketing campaign will never capture everything I want to convey, so why bother planning it" - OR perfectionism is used as an excuse to keep doing everything ourselves because we can't be bothered to TRY to delegate to someone else or TRY to find someone who might, just might, be able to do it at least as well as (or maybe even better... gasp!), as we can or TRY to have a difficult conversation with a colleague or a partner about how they can contribute or improve. Perfectionism maintains the status quo - we either don't do something or we keep doing everything - and the status quo is, well, lazy. And perfectionism keeps us from addressing our often baseless anxieties. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. Do you think Richard Branson comes up with new business arms AND does the marketing plan AND does the pricing AND chooses the words for each ad AND makes the coffee? No! Do you think Sara Blakely turned her product idea into a billion-dollar business by sewing each item of Spanx herself AND building her website AND shipping her products AND ordering the paper clips for the office? Hell no! So why do we? Why do we think we can grow a business AND do it all because no one else can? Why do we hold ourselves back by deluding ourselves that we are the exception to every rule of success (delegate, leverage, focus on what you're good at, test and iterate...)? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we being lazy? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we just anxious? Done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect business is better than one that stays in your head. Get something out there and improve, iterate, and - dare I say it! - perfect it later. Be honest about what your "perfectionism" is costing you and your business, and then try, at least try, to hide behind the Perfectionist's Creed a little less often. I was mercilessly decluttering the other day and was literally sighing with delight at all the clear surfaces and space all around me. I always feel calmer and more peaceful whenever I'm in bare but beautiful places, and the simple pleasure of creating that at home got me thinking about other simple pleasures - smells, sounds, lighting - that I associate with some of my happiest "happy places".
And it got me thinking that we've all had glimpses (hopefully more) of what it feels like to be in our happy place mentally, physically, and/or emotionally, but for some reason we don't usually stop to think about how and why those places are happy for us. I mean, when was the last time you tried to deconstruct your happy place experience? And more important, when was the last time you tried to re-create your happy place experience in even a small way? We are all affected by our physical environments. Without realizing it, the stresses around us, the energy around us, the people, and sounds, and smells around us all combine into one big experiential ball that affects our mood, our performance, our productivity, and our happiness. I've always known this about myself. I can feel myself tighten up when I walk into a soulless conference room, I can feel myself come alive when I'm in beautiful surroundings, I know I am more creative when I am somewhere with high ceilings and natural light, and I know which social circles make me feel invincible and which leave me flattened. I know these things because I pay attention to how I feel and how I perform. And that's why I think it's so important to curate our environments. This can be as simple as listening to relaxing music while you work at your desk, having a nice-smelling reed diffuser in your office, or using soft lighting instead of fluorescent bulbs. I do all of these things because I find spas really relaxing so why not make my working environment as spa-like as possible? It can also be as practical as turning off email alerts from your phone so you're not always feeling harried and "pinged", not watching the news if all it does is make you angry, or avoiding social events (yes, even online!) where you'll be around people who irritate or deflate you. Our social and mental environments can be curated too. The little changes can make a huge difference in how you feel AND how you perform. You know whether you are at your best in high-energy environments or more chilled ones. You know whether you nail presentations when wearing a power suit or wearing something a little less traditional but still professional. You know whether you exercise more effectively surrounded by the high-octane energy of a gym or running on a nature trail. Our minds are incredibly powerful and we pick up hundreds of subtle and subconscious cues from our surroundings. So by curating our environments, we give ourselves more chances to feel and do more of our best more of the time. It doesn't have to be a total overhaul, but we can all start with a small, simple change. And then another. And another. And over time and repetition, pretty soon we will have transformed our environments in ways that can transform our lives and our businesses as well. Sometimes it's the small things that can have the biggest impact. I don't know about you, but I have a complicated relationship with the word "nice" (and not in the way British people use it to refer to delicious food!). It doesn't mean that I go out of my way to be not nice, of course, it's just that too often the word (or its many synonyms) is used to emotionally blackmail women into being more accommodating or self-sacrificing than we ask men to be.
Just the other day I had a request come in from three different people who wanted to have a "quick chat"... for an HOUR each! When I responded - as I normally do to vague brain picking requests from total strangers - by asking them each to share the one or two specific topics they were interested in discussing OR to pay for my time - I got huffy replies with various versions of "but all I wanted was a friendly chat". Now, maybe it's just me, but I can't remember the last time I had an hour long conversation with an actual friend, much less a stranger who couldn't be bothered to specify what they wanted to talk about. And the responses I got seemed like emotional blackmail because in refusing the chat, was I refusing to be "friendly" as well? Now, getting three of these requests on the same day is pretty rare, but I could feel myself feeling the need to justify myself. To explain why it's important that I value my time, that I already give a generous number of hours of free mentoring away, that my filtering questions are a defense mechanism against askholes... But then I stopped. I realized that the only reason I felt the need to justify anything was because I didn't want these strangers to think that I wasn't "nice", or - more bluntly - that I was being a bi*ch. But how many men would feel the need to justify themselves for valuing their time and expertise? How many men would feel guilty for saying no to working for free? How many men would feel the pressure to be "nice" to total strangers who weren't even willing to answer a few questions? Now I know not everything is a "gender thing", but some things affect women more than men. The world at large still expects us to be accommodating, sacrificing, helpful, and "nice" far more than it expects this of men. But we don't have to be "nice girls". We are grown women who have limits on our time and our energy, and WE decide when that time and energy is invested in someone or something and when it isn't. Because at the end of the day, we should worry far more about how often we are "nice" to ourselves and what and who is important to us than we ever worry about being "nice" to anyone else. |
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