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Last week I hit a major milestone towards a physical goal I'd set for myself this year: I did six chin-ups in a row without stopping (my goal is to get to seven... so close!). And after I hit six, my first reaction was "Yes!!! I just reached a personal best." But hot on the heels of my mini-celebration came a second thought: "But I didn't fully extend each time, so it doesn't really count."
And as I finished that thought, I had to check myself. Because - perhaps like many people - more often than I'd like, I find myself qualifying my achievements instead of owning them. You might find you do this too. Someone will tell you what a great job you did on something and you'll immediately reply "Ugh, but I was so nervous" or "But I totally messed up on that one part..." Or you might hit a financial target but then tell yourself "It doesn't really count because it's turnover, not profit" or "It's already earmarked for that new project, so nets out..." And while we may not have extended all the way down, or did mess up a bit, or did "just" increase our turnover instead of our profit, the success still counts. Of course it does. But by continually qualifying or minimizing or discounting our achievements, we qualify and minimize and discount ourselves. We tell ourselves we are not enough. That nothing we do will ever be enough (and do we really need another voice giving us that message?!). And that constant feeling of lack, of not "really" measuring up is toxic. To our goals, our ambitions, and to every cell of our being. And we need to cut that shit out. So the next time you find yourself rushing to take your successes away from yourself, check yourself and then correct yourself. Yes, there is always more work to do and maybe something you could have done better. But remember: six is six, great is great, and enough is enough. You did it. Now own it.
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Enlightened swagger (n) - a Rupal-ism that describes the process of internalizing that anything is possible for you (the swagger) while owning the truth that being who you are and owning who that is doesn’t have to be an in-your-face endeavour (the enlightened part)
There's so much noise and conflicting input we all pick up over the course of ours lives about what we "should" do, what we "should" be, what we "should" have, and how long it "should" take to get it, and if we never stop to unpack those "shoulds" we can suffer the indignity of should-ing all over ourselves! So, before you go into auto-pilot or dive headfirst into the day or week ahead, give yourself the gift of a few minutes to yourself, by yourself, and reflect on one really important goal or ambition you've set for yourself. And then - and here's the hard part - make a plan for how you will go for it in your way, on your terms and with your values as a compass. How you will make it what you want without a sideways glance at what it ‘should’ look like. Or - to put it more simply - take your enlightened swagger for a stroll, and bring that cool-as-a-cucumber badass out of the shadows and into the world. People often ask me about the things I learned at the CIA that I bring into my role as a CEO and advisor to other executives, and one of the most valuable lessons is this: a deeply-ingrained awareness that there is always so much we don't know.
You see, at the Agency, we'd often get pilloried in the press for perceived failures and balls seemingly dropped. And we could never defend ourselves - or shout about our victories - because our work is classified. We had to let the press and the public believe their version of the "truth" because we couldn't counter it with our classified facts. And we had to celebrate our wins in the shadows. And what that taught me about being a leader is that no matter how good, how thorough, how much we think we know, there is always, always, ALWAYS something hidden from us (even if it's not classified). And because that is true, we have to remain mentally humble and open to being disproven. We have to become learning leaders who acknowledge that we don't know everything. And we have to accept that sometimes our version of the "truth" may be seriously flawed because of all the facts we don't have access to. But instead of feeling despaired by this, we can turn all that we don't know into a source of strength. We can recognize that good ideas can come from somewhere else. We can recognize we don't need to have all the answers. We can recognize that the unknowns can be a source of power if we let it be. Because instead of pretending we are omniscient, we can invite others to correct us, challenge us, or simply expand us by all that they know that we don't. And we can become better, smarter, stronger in the process. It's so tempting to think our power has to come from being all-knowing; but real power comes from accepting that we don't and then training ourselves to become all-growing instead. A lot of the time when I am advising leaders and founders I find myself working with them to manage their expectations. Expectations about their companies, their employees, the market, themselves...
Now too often when people talk about "managing expectations" they conflate that with lowering expectations. But that is not how we do. As those of you who have been with me for a few years now will know, I am the last person you should come to if you want a reason to lower anything (especially your expectations of yourself). BUT, there is a fine art to keeping our expectations in touch with reality (again, not lowering them) by making sure we accept that we can't control everything, especially outcomes. And my version of managing expectations is all about controlling the controllable and letting the rest go. Here's what I mean. Whenever we set ourselves goals or put metrics in place for performance or "success" or achievement, we try to control too much. We put in arbitrary deadlines, nail down the exact process by which it must unfold, and try to plan every last detail. But the reality of life is that no one or nothing has any stake in making things happen the way we envision. Markets get shocked. Colleagues become difficult. Stakeholders disagree. And things take their own time (not the time we have allocated). Sure, we can try to gee things along at a faster pace, but there's only so much we can force. Sure, we can try to make something happen in 12 months, say, instead of 18 months, but there's only so much we can make happen. Reality, other people, external forces all get their say too. And that's why we have to learn to be laser focused on the what (the goal, the ambition, the dream, etc), but be far more open-minded and semi-agnostic about the how and the when. I'll give you a concrete example from my own life. When I was twenty, I had a conversation with my then-boyfriend about how I felt there was something "big" in store for me. That I felt I was called to do something that would have a powerful impact for good in the world. But that was as far as my "what" went. I didn't know the exact thing that would feel big and impactful. And I didn't try to force it. I explored, experimented, all that experiential stuff, for sure, but I didn't say "I must become the first woman President of the United States or else I'll be a failure" or "I have to head a Fortune 500 company or my career will be worthless". I decided the destination (do something that felt big to me, and that would have a positive impact) and then let the how and the when unfold. I worked as a math and English teacher, got a few Master's degrees, worked at the CIA, started two businesses of my own, started advising others, became an international speaker, became an author, and so many other things along the way. And now, only now, after decades of exploration and NOT trying to force-fit anything, I am realizing that aspiration to do something that feels big and important to me. I am helping others. I am speaking to big audiences. I am reaching thousands with my writing. I could never have predicted that this - my advisory work, my speaking, and my writing - would be the "how", and could never have predicted the time it would take me to get here. I decided what I cared about and then let my life and experiences open my eyes to new possibilities about how I could do what I felt called to do. This isn't to say meander and aimlessly float through life. I am saying the total opposite: have a very clear idea of where you are going BUT don't obsess over or try to force how it happens or when. You may miss out on a lot of magic if you close yourself off to the many ways in which your goals or ambitions can be realized. So decide the what, be clear and dead-set on it. But be open to the how, and the when. The ride will be truer and deeper if you don't always try to steer it or speed it up. I don't know about you, but I love this time of year. It's when the world starts to both pick up and wind down. It’s a great time for reflection and review and that’s why this week I wanted to share with you one of my all time favorite leadership and performance habits: Capturing Your Year.
Now, I hear so many people talk about 2020 like it was a “lost” or “throw away” year. The focus on the fact that COVID robbed many of us of new experiences, change, growth, or variety (not to mention the mental and physical toll). But that is a terrible way to view any amount of time, much less an entire year. Even in the midst of challenge and adversity and upheaval (that sometimes felt like the “same old, same old” every day), we grow and change and progress. It might not be the way we are used to growing or changing or progressing, but I don’t know a single person who is the same in 2021 as they were in 2020. It’s just that they might not have registered the changes or growth or progress concretely. And what a waste that is. What a waste to look at a day, a week, a month, a year and think “Man, I’m glad that’s over.” Sure, there might be things we’d like to forget, but let’s not throw away the proverbial baby with the bath water! No matter what you think of any 365-day period, it’s always worth investing a bit of time to reflect on what has happened. So, as we get towards the end of another year, here’s a step-by-step plan for how you can make the most of all that has happened this year:
So don’t rely on your memory. Join me this November as I sit down to do the same. Crystalize the key lessons and takeaways from your year. Make them concrete by writing them down. And share them (if you want to!) so that others can learn from your generosity and honesty. I’ll be sharing my Lessons Learned in 2021 with you, starting next week, so stay tuned! Before I started my first business, I had an exciting career in the intelligence services. I worked with some of the most brilliant people I will ever know, got to do some really meaningful work, and lived in parts of the world that I would never have seen otherwise.
Early in that career, I was one-third of a team that designed and led a project that was going to be delivered to some very high-level officials. And when it came time to choose the team who would brief these officials, a supervisor a few levels above me decided that at 27 I was too young, so sent someone more senior (though less qualified) in my place. I was devastated. And for the longest time I took it personally. I interpreted it as another injustice in a line of injustices that had robbed me of well-deserved accolades and hard-worked-for opportunities that meant so very much to me. And I carried an element of I-won't-get-what-I-deserve-so-what's-the-point-in-trying-anyway defeatism deep within me for years. But the thing I realized with time and distance, is that how we interpret what happens to us is entirely up to us. And things can mean everything or nothing or something in between depending on the story we choose to tell ourselves. That missed opportunity with those officials? I took it as another example of what I saw as a pattern of robbed rewards. But I could so easily have looked at it in a less-charged way: as just one data point of how the world works, but a data point that had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with my deservedness. My friends, in our businesses and in our lives, so many things will go "wrong" or turn out in ways that take no notice of our best efforts. Investors will act like jerks. Co-founders will suddenly get selfish. Product launches will fail. Suppliers will ignore us. Team members will abuse the responsibility we entrust them with. And reality will take liberties with our timescales and targets. But how we internalize or interpret each of these things is entirely up to us. We can view them for what they often are (just a normal part of business) or as an indication of personal unworthiness or a "fated" failing. I'm not saying that we become delusional in the face of negative feedback or that we absolve ourselves of responsibility for what happens. What I am saying is that we take ultimate responsibility for how we interpret those things and that we choose carefully how we respond - externally and emotionally - when "bad" things happen. Not everything means what we think it means. And sometimes $hit just happens, whether we "deserve" it or not. We get to decide what things mean. We get to pick up - or leave on the floor - the damaging interpretations that will keep us and our businesses small. And we get to choose how we internalize - or not - everything that happens as we take our businesses and ourselves to the heights we know we can achieve. On the Entreprenora Boardroom, a small group of founders come together twice a month and grapple with the many big and small issues we all face as founders and leaders. And one of the themes that comes up again and again is around owning our worth, and not literally or figuratively selling ourselves short.
I know the past 12 months have been a sucker punch to us all. Many of us have had to pivot like crazy and are spinning endless plates under increased personal, emotional, and practical pressure. In many ways, it has been relentless. BUT, I also know that the way we treat ourselves and our businesses communicates something powerful to the world about how it can treat us back. While customers and growth are important, we also need to remind ourselves that it's okay to leave money on the table if those customers or that growth devalues who we are and what we have to offer. It's not black or white, of course, but some money is simply not worth bringing into our businesses, and some of our assets are simply not for sale. We can say no to investors who think they "own" us (yes, there investors who use those words). We can respectfully push back against customers who demand and demand but never appreciate when we provide and provide (80% of the "trouble" usually accounts for only 20% of the revenue). Or we can tactfully "fire" clients whose values simply don't align with ours. When we say no to things, when we create boundaries around what we will and won't accept, when we create spaces in our businesses, it is often painful. But nature abhors a void, and by leaving some things behind, we make room for better things ahead. As I've grown my two businesses, I've found myself asking for some seemingly unusual things: for assistants to use certain fonts in presentations, to send me information in bullet points instead of block text, to lay workbooks for an event at specific angles, or to use paperclips instead of staples.
And every time I give very clear direction, a small voice in the recesses of my mind chuckles a bit because what others might see as being diva-ish I see as being decisive. Whether we admit it or not, we all have standards, and expectations, and preferences for the way we want things to be done. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's stupid or over the top because no one else can tell us what we care about. Because the thing is, I would rather be the type of leader and partner who is clear about my expectations instead of a passive-aggressive one who pretends not to care but then fumes and burns inside. We don't go into restaurants and expect waiters to know what we want, so why do we do that with our partners, our clients, our suppliers, or our colleagues? Why not just communicate what we want, exactly how we want it, and take the guesswork out of it? Why not be specific about when certain instructions are must-haves and when others can be executed within general parameters? It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but at least it leaves no room for mis-interpretation. And then any results that are other than what we've asked for are failures of execution, not failures of communication. This isn't to put blame on others or take responsibility away from ourselves. Quite the opposite: when we communicate what we want and are specific about it, it puts total responsibility on us to be clear, and frees the people in our lives from the stress of not knowing. Good instructions and communication set everyone up to succeed, not fail. If you want your co-founder to do more of the tedium that has ended up on your desk, ask them to help. If you want your partner to help out at home more so you have time to build your business, ask them to help. If you want your bookkeeper to send you your P&L statements each month so you can review them, ask them to do it. If you want something but aren't sure whether it exists, ask Google if it does. Ask, ask, ask, and ask again. And be specific about what you want. The more you ask, the more you'll get and - more important - the more you'll see that being a good leader or CEO or partner or parent isn't about testing other people to read your mind, it's about giving them the tools and instructions to succeed without having to do so. Last week I shared some of my top lessons from a life of four decades, and I'm back for the next 10. Hope you enjoy!
11 – Never stop learning – I know you don’t need the reminder, but when you stop learning, you stop growing. Whether about yourself, about business, or about any topic that interests you, keep learning and expanding your mind. You are your biggest asset. 12 – Commit to the process, not the outcome – Results come LAST. Get comfortable with repetition, tedium, trade-offs, and doing the right thing consistently, and the results will take care of themselves. 13 – Take some of the pressure off – Setting goals and deadlines is important, but remember goals and deadlines are also arbitrary. As long as you keep moving forward, it’s okay if things take a little longer or come out a little differently than you expected. 14 – There is time… – Everything doesn’t have to happen this year, and you don’t have to do all the things. Choose a few things you care about and commit to them. There is time for everything. 15 – …But don’t wait too long – Finding the balance between urgency and contentment is a life-long practice, so practice until you find what works for you. 16 – Put yourself “out there” – When you shine, you give others permission to do the same, so don’t hide your light under a bushel or minimize yourself to make others feel better. No one is served by you playing small. 17 – Anything is possible – You can retire by 38, do push ups while 8 months pregnant, have successful careers in widely different fields, make a lot of money and not turn into a jerk, live your dream lifestyle, and so much more… I know because I’ve done all of that, and if I can, you can. If one person can do anything then another person can. The trick is to learn how, find role models, coaches, supporters, communities where what you want to achieve is the norm. And if you can’t find a role model “out there”, then… 18 – Be your own role model – Prove to yourself what you are capable of. Be the first person to do what you do. Roger Bannister didn’t let a lack of role models stop him from becoming the first person to run a 4-minute mile, Madam CJ Walker didn’t let a lack of examples keep her from becoming the first woman (and first black woman) millionaire in America in the early 1900s. You don’t need to “see it to be it”; sometimes you have to be it so others can see it. 19 – Work smarter, not harder – Better to do 1 hour of “smart” work than 100 hours of “hard” work. Think of ways to do things faster, easier, and with less input from you instead of punishing yourself with more, more, and more. 20 – Focus on what you can control – Don’t get mired in hand-wringing, worrying, or wallowing when problems arise; take a breath, vent if you need to, then focus on what you CAN do about whatever plagues you and keep moving. Till next week. One of the things that I have focused on more this year is asking. I firmly believe "if you don't ask, you don't get", so I try to ask as much as possible. I don't expect to always (or ever) get what I want, but I know that life is a numbers game: the more you ask, the more you help your odds of getting.
And I am also on the receiving end of a lot of asking, from founders who want my time, expertise, or advice to organizations who want me to speak at their events or work with their team members. And what all of this asking so often reveals is that some people can be real askholes. And it's essential that we don't become one of them. Here's what I mean. When we ask something of someone and they take the time, effort, or mental energy to respond and help, we should then take the time, effort, or mental energy to act on what they have shared, or - at the very least! - say thank you. But you would be surprised by how many askers don't follow these basic courtesies. I have given hours of my time to people who have never said thank you. I have been vampired by information-seekers who suck my brain dry and then do nothing with the information. I have spoken at events and then heard nothing from the organizers. What askholes! So a word of caution: don't ever become or entertain askholes. If you ask someone for an introduction and you get the introduction, don't sit on it. Pick up the phone or send that email. And if you give someone an introduction, expect them to do the same. If you ask for advice and get it, don't simply throw it on the heap of things you know and never use. Apply it, filter it, reject it, or tell the advice-giver what you did/didn't do with what they shared. And if you take the time to offer advice to someone else (who has asked for it), expect them to do the same. If you ask a friend/a book/a community/the universe for some help, and you get the help, don't take it for granted. Say thank you and reciprocate if and when you can. And if someone asks you for help and you give it to them, expect them to say thank you and reciprocate if and when they can. We have all been ask-ers and ask-ees. We have all taken others' time, and given our own time. We have all helped and been helped. It's an inevitable part of being a founder and human. It is a great part of being a founder and human. And it is a powerful part of being a founder and human. But with great power comes great responsibility not to be, or let ourselves be abused by, askholes. I made a decision the other day. I was running around London (before the first in-person speaking event I've done in months!), dutifully wearing a mask, and found myself tutting silently or rolling my eyes at anyone who wasn't. I did it any time anyone came within less than 6 feet of me, any time someone didn't use hand gel at the entrance to a shop, and any time anyone behaved in a pre-COVID way. (You know, behaved normally?)
And then, quite suddenly and without any prompting, I stopped. And I made my decision: I was not going to live in fear of my fellow human beings, and I was not going to view every inanimate object or molecule of air as a potential disease-carrying-threat. I was done. Fear had taken up far too much space in my brain for far too long, and I was done. Yes, I would continue to follow the "rules" and be "sensible", but I wasn't going to live in judgment or fear while doing so. And then it got me thinking about a conversation I had just a few days ago with a new-found friend in Genoa. She was telling me about the work she and her partners do around helping women reclaim the space and energy normally given over to fear. And that got me thinking about just how much space and energy fear takes up in our lives. And how many things we do or not do on a daily basis because we are afraid (COVID aside). On any given day, how many of us don't send an email, make a phone call, or have a conversation because we're afraid of rejection or confrontation? How many of us don't put ourselves forward for an award/a promotion/an interview/insert-anything-here because we're afraid of what people will think of us? How many of us don't start working on our businesses because we're afraid of failure? How many of us keep working at jobs or playing a role that shrinks our souls because we're afraid of losing prestige in the eyes of others? Fear, fear, and more fear - big, small, existential, trivial - it follows us throughout our day. Every. Single. Day. But, my dear Entreprenoras, it doesn't have to be that way. We don't need to let fear boss us around. We can tell fear to shut the hell up and get the hell out. We can realize that fear isn't always protecting us (often just the opposite). And we can view fear for what it is (information) without presuming that the information is telling us to stop or stay small. When we decide against fear, that decision changes everything internally. And so often our fear is internally manufactured, anyway, not externally real (unless we're face-to-face with a tiger!). So the next time we find ourselves being/doing/saying something - or not - because of fear, let's stop. Let's take just one step closer to where we want to be instead of where our fear has told us to stay. Let's decide against fear and for ourselves. As women, how often we get applauded (or loaded with more work!) for being "natural" multi-taskers. We take on more and more, even if we don't really want to, and forget how to say no because we let ourselves be persuaded that we can do everything.
And while I agree that we can do everything, I don't think we should try to do it all at the same time. We've all had one of those days (or lives) when we are doing ten things at once without the benefit of additional arms or hands (or caffeine!). But instead of being proud of how much we "accomplish" at once, I wonder if we might be better served redefining what accomplishment means. Because getting things done is of course essential to any success. But there is a difference between multi-tasking and making the best use of our time. When I take an honest assessment of the times I have been a multi-tasking fool, I find this habit is most dangerous when I am trying to do something business-critical and still let myself get pulled into other tasks to get them out of the way. In my attempt to declutter my to-do list, I end up diluting or prolonging the important. And that's why multi-tasking is a false economy. We delude ourselves into thinking we are getting a lot done, instead of realizing we're just doing a lot. And doing isn't the same as accomplishing. So the next time that multi-tasking siren starts singing us towards distraction, let's try to steer her to the low value things (walking while chewing gum, ordering groceries while on hold with the broadband company, making social plans while cooking...) and harness our best and our focus for our most important work instead. Lets's try letting go of multi-tasking and do more uni-tasking instead. These past few months have been intense. From COVID and lockdown to protests and social restrictions to restructuring and pivoting our businesses, it's been full-on, non-stop, mental and emotional overdrive.
Some good, even great, things have come out of the "Surreal Spring" (as I've started calling it), but it's been a constant practice in energy and headspace management like never before. And one of the biggest lessons I learned again during this time is how important it is to saturate our minds with carefully-curated information. I'm not talking about living in a bubble, or an echo chamber, or searching out information that confirms what we already know. I'm talking about surrounding ourselves with ideas, people, conversations, podcasts, books, or any other inputs that elevate, stimulate, and inform our minds instead of deflating, subduing, or deforming them. As any computer programmer or nutritionist will tell you, garbage in = garbage out. And when times are tough, turbulent, or turned upside down, as they are right now, we can't afford to give garbage a look in. So as you work through the challenges ahead, as you grapple with big and small changes in your life and in your business, remember to saturate your mind with whatever it is that will take you and the world around you higher. Last week I shared my personal experiences of and reflections on race, justice, and inclusion and the broader social conversation around these topics. And all of these discussions got me thinking about a fundamental reality: that power and influence default to wealthy, white, men, and everyone else has to ask for or fight for permission to access the same.
If you are poor, or a woman, or non-white - or any combination of the three - even after being "given" these rights, you still don't get to freely enjoy them. There is still a yawning gap between the legality and the reality. Between the equality we are told we have and the inequality we experience. We face this every day as women and as founders in glaring and subtle ways: there is a vicious gender pay gap, women-founded startups get a paltry 2% of VC funding even though data shows our businesses perform better, women entrepreneurs are seen as exceptions while male templates define what a "real" founder looks and acts like. And we are still too often asking men for permission. We are still too often trying to justify our seat at the Boardroom table (if we ever get there). We are still too often financially reliant on partners due to a range of factors (pay gaps, parental leave policies that penalize us, all of the unpaid work we do...). We are still too often kept small by media representations that under-report our successes or relegate them to "women's" sections (almost every business magazine has a "Women" section, but not a "Man" section... Why? Perhaps another example of men being the default...). But, my dear Entreprenoras, this isn't the way it has to be. We shouldn't need to ask for permission, we shouldn't need to play in the sidelines, and we shouldn't need to conform to any template other than our own. Each of us can and should demand more, expect more, and get more at home and in the wider world. The time for asking is over. One of the reasons I started this community was to make sure we all get what we deserve, achieve what we set out to achieve, and become financially abundant and independent in ways that allow us to force change where necessary or BE the change we can. Our success is about more than just us. Our success is about showing the world different templates of what is possible and what a role model looks like. So whatever your success looks like, whatever your dreams look like, whatever your goals look like, we are here to make sure you get there. Use our resources, get in touch, apply to join our Boardroom, get your voice heard by pitching your story for our podcast, or simply connect with each other at one of our events. Ladies, we are in this together. No more asking for permission. Just succeeding, demanding, and achieving. Together. The other day, I was sharing with my husband how one of the things I have struggled most with during lockdown is an even more intense form of guilt. Running and adapting two businesses while trying to nurture and take care of a curious, high-energy toddler has left me constantly feeling terrible that neither is getting 100% of me or 100% of my best.
ME: "I just feel so guilty all the time..." MY HUSBAND: [Long, confused pause...] "Guilty about what?" And in his simple question lay a blinding insight and deep clarity about how we (or maybe just me!) hamstring ourselves as founders and as people. His point was "If you're doing the best you can, what's to feel bad about?" (My perfectionist's rejoinder was "My COVID-best doesn't feel good enough!") And in that interaction, I realized that maybe this is another way that many of us hold ourselves back: we make things up to beat ourselves up about, we focus on the lack and not on the progress, we internalize what has nothing to do with us. And we rarely (or not enough) take time to appreciate what we have done, what we have achieved, and what we have given our best-in-that-moment to. And every time we do this, dear Entreprenoras, all we are doing is stalling our progress and making things harder for ourselves. But the business of life and the life of business are hard enough without saddling ourselves with guilt that doesn't belong there and internal struggle that doesn't have to be. Guilt keeps us stuck and paralyzed when we are trying to expand and grow. And it is a quicksand of emotion that sucks us down and smothers our spirit when we are moving forward with ambition. So the next time we find ourselves veering towards the G-lane, let's get a grip on that wheel and ask whether we really need to go there or whether there's another lane that will serve us better, and take us faster, in the direction we truly mean to go and towards the destination we truly mean to reach. "I just feel so guilty for being here..."
That is me, basically every day at some point, feeling bad about where I'm not. It might just be that I have an over-developed sense of guilt (I mean I went to Catholic school for 13 years and come from a big Indian family, so the combo turns normal guilt trips into epic guilt pilgrimages) or it might just be that I always feel pulled in too many directions. When I'm working, I worry that I'm not spending enough time nurturing my personal relationships and when I'm spending time with people I love, I worry that I should be doing something for my businesses and when I'm working diligently on my business, I worry that I'm not investing enough time on my health and fitness. It's a no-win situation that can drive anyone crazy. And I remember clearly the day a few years ago when I was going down a spiral of "I should be here, no I should be there, no wait, I NEED to be way over there..." and a really wise friend -- who also happens to be a ridiculously successful, seemingly non-stressed business owner (who travels all the time for her business) AND is a mom of three -- gave me the best advice I have gotten for my business and my life in general: Make a decision and then own it. Now this little bit of advice might look obvious -- and often the best advice is -- but the profundity (now there's a big word for a Wednesday afternoon!) lies precisely in its simplicity. And I can usually tell how profound advice is by how difficult it is for me to implement. In this case, it's that much harder because there are two parts: 1) making the decision, and 2) owning it. I find that as I've practiced and gotten better at 1 (Get Good at Being Decisive), I've really needed to up my game when it comes to 2. And damnnnnnnnnnnn, is it hard. Not because I abdicate responsibility for my decisions, but because with every decision I make, there is a tradeoff, and in my heart of hearts I am a recovering maximalist so I hate that I can't have it all, be everywhere, do all the things, and be everything to everyone all at the same time. Tradeoffs suck, but the grown-up (and homo economicus... gosh, I am being really nerdy today!) in me knows that tradeoffs are inescapable. And it's only with time and practice and catching myself that I've gotten better at accepting that and being truly present wherever I am instead of agonizing about where I'm not. Because the thing is, once we make a decision, that should mean we have already considered the relevant facts beforehand. That should mean we have done our best to make the best decision with the circumstances we are given. And that should then mean that it is easier to own the decision -- tradeoffs and all -- and move on. So now, whenever I am traveling to grow my business or spending evenings giving talks or doing some writing on the weekends, I TRY to be fully present and focus on delivering the best talk, having the best meeting, writing the best article I can, and leave everything else where it is. And then when I am with my family (my 2-year-old daughter in particular), I TRY to focus fully on them, on her, on what we are doing in the moment, and leave my phone and all of the things on my never-ending to-accomplish list physically and mentally out of the way. It's not easy, but I try as best I can. And I firmly believe (know!) that we are not compartmented people, despite what we tell ourselves, and we take everything with us wherever we go. But the key is not to let guilt come there with us too, because it will consume us AND the fun and success we could otherwise be experiencing if we hadn't invited guilt to the party. I get it. Like I said, I struggle with this on a near-daily basis. And there are no hacks that I've uncovered other than practice. So, the next time you start wishing you were somewhere else or feel guilty about where you are not, remind yourself that you decided to be wherever you are and then practice owning that decision. It will make being a grown-up, a boss, a business-owner, a leader, a parent, a partner, and a person that much easier AND will be a reminder that choice is a gift we shouldn't always spoil by wishing we had made a different one. "Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh, I just don't know what color feature wall to put in that room..."
That was me a few years ago, agonizing over the color to use in our latest development. We had decided the paint colors well in advance (Finish Before You Start, and all that) but as the project was coming to its end, we decided to add a small pop of color in the kitchen. It was a straightforward decision (what color to put on a wall approximately 12 square meters in size) but one that weighed on me for days and days because I kept putting it off. It was a miniscule detail compared with the enormity of what had gone into the project, but that one small decision was one I just couldn't make... Now that decision didn't make me cry, exactly, but it did take up a lot more emotional and mental space than it should have (It's just paint! I can hear you thinking.) But perhaps some of you, maybe all of you, can identify with the difficulty that comes along with deciding on things all day long (decision-fatigue is a real and scientifically proven phenomenon, dear readers). So whenever I find myself struggling to decide, I remind myself two things: 1) Nothing is forever (ie, almost every decision -- except the one to have kids! -- can be undone or changed) and 2) As business owners/entrepreneurs/executives/leaders, we need to get good at being decisive. We can't agonize over every detail, we can't keep waiting for more and more and more (and MORE) information before we choose a path, we can't keep waiting for the maximally optimal option to arise because most of the time it won't. To be successful, we need to take whatever mix of good, bad, and ugly that is presented to us in any given situation and do the best we can. We need to make the best decision possible in the moment and leave it at that. We need to be decisive, and get better at being decisive, by practicing and making decisions confidently and actively. Because let's face it, waiting doesn't usually make the decision any easier or better, and often it does the exact opposite. Waiting just prolongs the pain, adds to the confusion, and increases our mental load. I'm not saying we leap before we look (be decisive, not hasty!). All I'm saying is that we need to get good at making decisions, at being decisive, and getting $hit done. Because, really, what's the worst that could happen? If you hate the feature wall color, you can repaint it. If you don't like the logo you chose, you can ask your designer to create another one. If you don't like the sandwich you ordered, you can go back and get a different one. Very little is set in stone (and even things set in stone can be reset or re-chiseled... or you can get a different stone!). The key is to just start from somewhere, make an initial decision, and then see if it was the right one, or if something needs tweaking. The key is to take decisions like the boss or leader or executive that you are, or hope to be. Being decisive isn't always easy, but it is essential and gets easier with practice. So start practicing and getting good at being decisive because your success -- and sanity! -- may just depend on it. And for anyone who was wondering: I chose Coastal Waters for the feature wall in that kitchen. And it looks fantastic. (Another variation on this call to be decisive is a great quote that I heard once: "Successful people are quick to make a decision and slow to change their minds; unsuccessful people are slow to make a decision and quick to change their minds." See, I'm not the only one who thinks being decisive is important for success!) "If someone even smiles at me the wrong way, I'm going to lose it!"
I was having a very bad day a few weeks ago. It started as just another promising Tuesday, and then quickly spiraled down, down, down, oh so down, to some deep, dark depths. I can't remember what it was that triggered things, but suddenly, the world felt like it was on top of me. My mind was whirring with all the things I needed to do: make a few calls, submit tax information, follow up on a project that was taking far too long to finish, and oh, by the way, go to the gym (I had been neglecting my health too much lately), write a letter to my daughter's previous doctor, write my next article, film a few videos for my You Tube channel, buy tickets to visit my family in New York, update my website, and... and... and... and... AND!!!!!!! I was starting to plummet. I walked in the door from my morning appointment, spat a hello to my husband, and went straight upstairs. I sat on my bed thinking very angry thoughts. And then I took a shower. I cooked myself a meal. I didn't go anywhere near my phone or my computer. And then I sat. I indulged in some final the-world-is-so-stupid-and-annoying ruminations, and then -- slowly, but finally - I tried to think about what I could do to make the world less stupid and annoying. I emailed my PA and asked her to do some travel research for me. I emailed my PA again with a list of all the updates we needed to make to the website and asked for her help. I slowly, slowly started taking back control and slowly, slowly started clawing back up from the hole I had been slipping down. I was so proud of myself that night. I was proud because years ago, I would have let myself stay in that kind of a funk for days on end, but not anymore. And I only learned how to short-circuit those down-in-the-dumps cycles by learning to honor who I am. I pay attention to my needs. I pay attention to how I know I need to operate. I accept that I need to stew and fume sometimes - I love being self-righteous and resentful for even just a little bit! - but I also accept that I need to cut myself off and get back to doing whatever I can to push myself and my business forward, even just a little bit. A little bit is sometimes all we can do. It's sometimes all we have. And being your own boss means sometimes you have to boss yourself to pull your shit together and do a little bit. Being your own boss also means it's easier to Honor Who You Are, and design a life and business that plays to your strengths instead of preys on your less-than-strengths. It means you can learn from your meltdowns and do better next time. Honoring Who You Are is a big part of becoming an Entreprenora, and an essential part of living your best life. It might sound woo-woo, but you are the only you you've got, so commit to yourself, honor yourself, and help yourself be the best version of yourself you can be. If you don't do it, who else will? PS - My article about Honoring Who You Are has been one of my most popular, and one that got a lot of conversations going in our community. Please have a read and let me know what you think! Whether we admit it or not, we all have standards, and expectations, and preferences for the way we want things to be done. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's stupid or over the top or irrelevant because no one else can tell us what we care about. And that's why it's so important, in life and in business, to ask for what you want.
At various times as my own boss, I've asked assistants to use certain fonts in the presentations they put together for me or provide information in bullet points instead of block text. In other situations I've asked my partner to cook a particular recipe for dinner or make our bed a certain way. Does this make me a diva or just decisive? Because the thing is, I would rather be the type of leader and partner who is clear about my expectations instead of a passive-aggressive one who pretends not to care but then fumes and burns inside. I care. And if something is important enough for me to care about, then I will make a point to communicate what I want. This is just an easier way to live. We wouldn't go to a coffee shop and expect the barista to know what we wanted without telling her (well, unless you're a regular and always order the same thing...), so why do we do that with our partners, our clients, our suppliers, or our colleagues? Why not just communicate what we want, exactly how we want it, and take the guesswork out of it? Why not be specific about when certain instructions are must-haves and when others can be executed within general parameters? It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but at least it leaves no room for mis-interpretation. And then any results that are other than what you've asked for are failures of execution, not failures of communication. This isn't to put blame on others or take responsibility away from us as leaders and people. Quite the opposite: when we communicate what we want and are specific about it, it frees other people from the stress of not knowing and makes is easier for them to succeed. Good instructions set the recipient up to succeed, not fail (I wish someone would tell the instruction-makers at Ikea that!). If you care about something, if you want something, if you have a certain way of doing things, a certain standard you want to adhere to, don't be embarrassed or act as if it's not there. Own up to who you are, own up to what you want and ASK FOR IT. If you want your co-founder to do more of the tedium that has ended up on your desk, ask them to help. If you want your partner to help out at home more so you have time to build your business, ask them to help. If you want your bookkeeper to send you your P&L statements each month so you can review them, ask them to do it. If you want something but aren't sure whether it exists, ask Google if it does. Ask, ask, ask, and ask again. And be specific about what you want. The more you ask, the more you'll get and the more you'll see that being a good leader or CEO or partner isn't about testing other people to read your mind, it's about giving them the tools and instructions to succeed without having to do so. Ask, and let yourself receive. "If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they would have asked for a faster horse... Idiots!" -Henry Ford
Now I took some liberties with this quote. I am pretty sure Henry Ford didn't call his potential customers idiots (but I'm guessing he was probably thinking it). I love this quote. I love the fact that it says in eighteen words what I'm about to spend a few hundred elaborating on. I love that Henry Ford, inventor and industrial revolutionary, was like "Hey, you know what customers? Forget you! I'm building something great here, and what you think you want is irrelevant. So get back in your slow-a$$ carriages and scram!" How ballsy, how totally against the grain of our nice-nice society, how incredibly brave to say to a customer you're NOT always right. A few weeks ago, I wrote to about the importance of saying no and how it is not just an important part of your life and business but an essential one. And you know what else? It is really, really, really hard. Sometimes even harder than that! I am a self-proclaimed people pleaser, so it sometimes pains me physically to say no or to not oblige or to ignore a request. Especially when the person asking is a customer or client. My instinct is to always say yes and make it work however I can. Even if the request is silly or extravagant or will derail me from my plans. Saying yes feels sooooooo good. But you know what else feels good? Saying no and being focused. Our customers can sometimes be our worst enemies. They will ask and ask and ask and the trouble is, sometimes what they want is something you can't or shouldn't give (kind of like having kids... you have to be the one to have the filter for both of you!). And sometimes even when you DO give your customer what they want, they change their mind and decide they don't want it anymore and then you've wasted all that time and effort and money for nothing. How frustrating! Just a few short weeks ago, on the heels of an over-subscribed event I had just run, I polled potential clients to see if they'd like me to do the event again. I got almost two dozen thumbs-ups so got busy putting a deposit down on the venue, executing the marketing campaign, setting up the ticket site, ordering more workbooks, clearing my weekend, and after all that, guess what? Guess how many customers bought what they asked for once I had it ready for them? If you're good at spotting patterns, then you'll know the answer is: not a lot. And in this case, exactly zero. "But I did what you asked!" I wanted to scream at the registration page. "Where did you all go?" I wanted to shout into the wind. It took me a while to refocus after this mini-blow, but when I did, I realised that my customers had done me a big favor. They RE-taught me that I don't always have to listen and I don't always have to oblige. My customers aren't always right. And neither are yours. We can only offer what we can offer. And sometimes a customer doesn't know what they want until you show it to them (like the Model T). And sometimes what they want is not part of YOUR plan for your business, so you have to just ignore it. I'm not saying we should ignore all customer feedback or pretend like all requests are irrelevant. What I AM saying is that we should work hard to make our service or product as good as possible, hold ourselves to really high standards in how we deliver them, commit to always improving, listen to feedback and requests, and then filter the feedback and requests. Some ideas might be worth considering, others might not. A request is not an order. Feedback is not a command. Take on board what your customers say and then use your best judgement to filter and decide what is worth implementing and what is worth forgetting about. Your relationship with your customer is exactly that: a relationship. And like in all relationships, one side isn't always right or more important. Your relationship is a conversation, an exchange, and sometimes you will have to agree to disagree. If Henry Ford hadn't disagreed, how far behind would automotive technology and car culture be now? If you don't sometimes disagree, how far behind will you be in growing your business according to your vision? You don't always have to listen to your customer. And sometimes when they ask for a horse, you have to focus on building your Model T instead. I am the first to admit that in this era of information overload, it can be a good idea to limit how much information we consume. It can even feel like a small act of protest against the tidal wave of data hitting us day after day. And who doesn't like being a rebel?
But if you are going to rebel, be a rebel WITH a cause. That means being selective about the information you let in, and choosing to consume only the information that will help you and your business grow, NOT ignoring everything. Some of what you need to know and learn will be engaging and enlightening (like these articles!), and some of it will be tedious and boring. That's just the way it is. But if you want to build a business and thrive, you have to be a smart consumer of information and a committed life-long learner about your industry. Again, that's just the way it is. So, how can you keep learning? Here are some easy tips:
So what are you going to learn? What magazine or podcast will you subscribe to? What action will you take to make sure you never stop learning? "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." Ahhh, the Perfectionist's Creed. I love these words because I can predict with almost 100%-accuracy how many business owners and entrepreneurs and high-achievers have them playing in a loop in their heads pretty much all day long. (I know I would need to call on some high-order math if I wanted to count the number of times I've said or thought that.) No one can close a sale as effectively as I can. No one can negotiate with a supplier as well as I can. No one can write a job listing as brilliantly as I can. And you know what else? No one can order printer paper as well as I can. No one can make coffee as well as I can. No one can tidy up my desk as well as I can. And no one can take out the rubbish as well as I can, either! Isn't it amazing that I can do so many varied tasks better than any other of the 8-billion-plus humans who live on this planet or the few hundred thousand who live in my immediate vicinity or the tens of thousands who specialise in each one of these discreet tasks? Gosh, I really must be amazing! Right?  Now hopefully you see what I'm doing here. Hopefully you've had a little chuckle while reading the preceding lines not just because of how ridiculous they are when you see them written down but because you potentially recognize some of that silliness in your own way of thinking.
I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But perfect at all things? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more I hear it from my clients, and the more I try to train myself out of it, the more I see self-proclaimed perfectionism as something quite different: laziness and anxiety in disguise. Let me explain. First of all, I think we can agree that doing anything "perfectly" is basically impossible because "perfect" is subjective. What I think is perfect, others might think sucks, and what they think is perfect, I might find seriously flawed. Perfect is a standard that we define and our definition will inevitably be different to someone else's. Secondly, perfectionism is often used as an excuse for not doing something - "Oh, that website, will never be as perfect as I want it to be, so I may as well not build it"; "My business will never be as big as I want it to be, so I'm not going to start it"; "This marketing campaign will never capture everything I want to convey, so why bother planning it" - OR perfectionism is used as an excuse to keep doing everything yourself because you can't be bothered to TRY to delegate to someone else or TRY to find someone who might, just might, be able to do it at least as well as (or maybe even better... gasp!), as you can or TRY to have a difficult conversation with a colleague or a partner about how they can contribute more or improve. Perfectionism maintains the status quo - you either don't do something or you keep doing everything - and the status quo is, well, lazy. And perfectionism keeps you from addressing your (often baseless) anxieties. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. Do you see how these perfectionist anxieties can hold you and your business back? Do you think Richard Branson comes up with new business verticals AND does the marketing plan AND does the pricing AND chooses the words for each ad AND makes the coffee? No! Do you think Sara Blakely turned Spanx into a billion-dollar business by sewing each item herself AND building her website AND shipping her products AND ordering the paper clips for the office? Hell no! So why do we? Why do we think we can grow a business AND do everything else? Why do we hold ourselves back by deluding ourselves that we are the exception to every rule of success (delegate, leverage, focus on what you're good at, test and iterate...)? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we being lazy? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we just anxious? Done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect business is better than one that stays in your head. Get something out there and improve, iterate, and - dare I say it! - perfect it later. Be honest about what your "perfectionism" is costing you and your business, and then try, at least try, to hide behind the Perfectionist's Creed a little less often. Back when I was building my first business, I was terrified of coming across as “green”. Yes, I was learning all I could. Yes, I was meeting with founders a few steps ahead of me and downloading as much of their experience and wisdom as possible. Yes, I was well-informed (and working hard to become more so), but I was also, well, “green.”
I knew I couldn’t control how people perceived me, or how seriously they took me, so I started by taking myself seriously first. What that meant in practice is that I prepared before each meeting. I did lots of due diligence about market trends and competition and customer needs before ever investing money in anything. I dressed professionally. I showed up on time. I asked good questions. I did everything I could to convey I was serious about building something new and serious about my (as-yet-non-existent) business. And before long, I found that others took me seriously too. All of my preparation, and learning, and research, and professionalism started to pay off. I didn’t trivialise what I was doing because none of it was, or is, trivial. I see so many new or early-stage founders laugh off their budding ventures as “hobbies” or hedge their goals or get nervous about telling others they are starting a business. But if you don’t believe in it, or if you think it’s laughable, or just a hobby, won’t everyone else? If you fail to take yourself and your business seriously, won’t everyone else? When you are serious about what you are building and serious and thoughtful about how you build it, the dream or target or vision becomes that much more credible. Serious isn’t dark and glum; serious just conveys “I mean business”… because you literally do. So don’t brush off what you are building. Don’t pretend like you don’t care so any potential failures will hurt less. Don’t treat your business like a hobby unless you want it to stay one. Talk the talk, walk the walk, and take yourself and your business seriously. “Sorry, I can’t do tomorrow. I'm having my AGM.”
When I was starting my first business, any time I would say something like that to a friend or family member, I’d get a raised eyebrow. “Really?” they’d ask incredulously. I could see them wondering if I was trying to make my business sound more important than it was. “Really,” I’d respond matter-of-factly. “I do one every year.” Now it doesn’t matter if you call it an AGM, or a Board Meeting, or a Strategy Day, or a Brainstorming Session, the point here is that there can be no substitute for setting aside at least a few days each year to plan, think about, and course-correct your business. Especially in the beginning. The foundations you put in place now will be what you carry with you – or waste time fixing! – forever. From the very beginning I have done an AGM in January where I review the previous year, note key lessons learned, consider how to avoid repeating any mistakes, and plot my targets and strategy for the year ahead. Then, every quarter, I do a Quarterly Review where I review the previous three months, measure progress against my targets, and make any course corrections needed to get back on track. I also take time to reflect on why things are, or are not, going as planned and analyse whether it’s my targets or my tactics that need adjusting. I book my AGM and quarterly reviews into the calendar in advance, allocate a FULL day to each, and commit to being distraction-free (that means NO email or phone checking until scheduled breaks). I also leave my office so I don’t get sucked into anything literally or figuratively lying on my desks. I choose nice venues with decent food and drink options so I have no excuse to break the flow of the session. I make an agenda, take notes, and that’s it. Just like in any other business. None of this is complicated, but as happens so often, essential things like review meetings are really easy to do and really easy not to do… especially when you’re your own boss. But the truth is, if you really want to be “bossing it” then you have to do some boss-like things and call a meeting! (And no excuses if you’re a one-wo/man band. You should still allocate a few days a year to high-level business planning, target-setting, lesson-learning, and year-reviewing on your own.) It's important to treat your business as a business from the beginning. So put these meetings into your annual calendar (and then actually holding the meetings!), and you will be amazed at how much more focus and growth you and your business experience. You just have to start, so why not start now? "Yesssssssssss!!!!" That is how I feel whenever I am writing. I have always enjoyed, no LOVED, to write, and it wasn't until a few years ago that I started to make more time to do so. And when I did, I realized how much I missed the creativity and thought that goes into choosing just the right word or capturing my ideas in written form. I am a writer. I always have been. But I also love math and science and engineering and accounting (don't ask!). I am a contradiction in so many ways. But aren't we all?...  One of the most important lessons I've learned since becoming my own boss is that I need to honor who I am. Most of us don't do that. I still struggle to do it from time to time. We waste years of our lives trying to work on our (perceived) deficiencies or force ourselves to do things we hate or beat ourselves up for struggling with certain things. And we are told over and over again that working harder, not necessarily smarter, is the way to succeed.
Culturally and socially, we are rarely encouraged to focus on what we do well, only told to work on what we don't do well. How demoralizing and depressing is that? And what a horrible way to live. What if instead, we accepted that we will never be good at ALL THE THINGS and just moved on? What if instead, we valued ourselves for what we ARE good at and worked on amplifying and leveraging our strengths? Doubling down on them even. It sounds crazy to have to write these words, but what if we just accepted and honored who we are and let go of everything else? Wouldn't we be happier - and more successful - if we made the most of what we have to offer instead of trying to make up for what we don't? I'm in a slightly more philosophical mood today, because writing my most recent series has reminded me of why it's so important - and why it's also so hard - to let go of doing everything ourselves. We are encouraged to see suffering and struggle in business and life as the way to earn success, but why is suffering and struggle a more valid experience than happiness and ease? Why not be happy AND successful? Why not be successful BECAUSE we are happy? I know it's not always clear-cut, and we all have responsibilities and rules and pressures and financial realities to contend with. All I'm suggesting is that if we can do things a little bit easier, if we can spend more time leveraging our strengths, if we can try to design our lives to be a little truer to who we are, don't we owe it to ourselves to do so? It can be baby steps (for me, that means writing more and not forcing myself to run... I hate running!). You don't have to quit your job or move to an ashram or become an ascetic or start to meditate 12 hours a day. Live in the world in a way that makes sense for you. Delegate one thing that you hate doing at home (for me it is cooking) or in your business (for me it is social media). Stop thinking about topics that make you angry (for me this means ignoring the news). Find one way to exercise that brings you joy (for me it is doing chin ups and pilates) instead of following someone else's plan. Everything won't suddenly be perfect and you won't suddenly be pulled to new heights of success and fulfillment and self-actualization. But we can all take baby steps that compound over time and distance, and the more we do, and the more consistently we do it, the bigger the impact will be. So what will you do more or less of to honor who you are? |
Business Mentor
Virgin Startup |
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Entrepreneur in Residence
London Business School |
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