Rupal Y. Patel
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I don't know about you, but the first 3 months of this year were insane. On my side, I did 8 public speaking events, 12 workshops/webinars, wrote 15 articles, hosted 16 podcast interviews, gave 3 podcast interviews, mentored 7 founders, did one-on-one coaching for 3 different people in 3 different time zones, wrote 3.75 chapters for my book, got an agent for my book (!), all while juggling another business, a toddler, and a 4 month old baby. *Deep exhale....*
So, at the end of March, I did the best thing I could do for myself and decided to take the month of April off. I didn't unplug 100% but I did the bare minimum to keep things ticking along and gave myself a break. I read all eight Bridgerton novels, saw my family in New York, took the pressure off to do, do do, and do, and am still on a slow burn until next week. BUT, I know I can't - or won't - last like this. I am a do-er, an action-taker, a creator, and a mover, so I need to do, act, create, and move. But after almost a month off, getting back into gear is SOOOOOO hard. We all face this how-do-I-get-going-again conundrum at some time or another at least once a year. Usually it happens after a career break, parental leave, summer holidays, Christmas, a sabbatical, or just a long weekend, and we find it hard to muster the energy to get going again. So what do I do to get back into execution mode? Well, I start slow. After my "April off", I am warming up my doing muscles by writing a little each day and hosting just one workshop next week. And I make plans, based on what is most important. I have sat down to map out what the first few weeks of May will look like so I get all of my submissions in to publishers and my mastermind gets up and running with a bang. I've even planned to go out for a long, leisurely breakfast cooked by someone else on the day my baby daughter starts at day care. And I ask for help. This means my VA, my husband, and a few other select people I can trust to lend a hand. Asking for help is hard because it means letting go, but I would rather let go than be resentful of all I have to do (for me, those are the only options). The things I've asked for help with are as small as asking my husband to organize play dates instead of the family "admin" always falling on me, to ordering ready meals so I don't always get stuck in the kitchen. That's it: start small (to build up the momentum again), make a plan (so I don't flail around feeling overwhelmed and stare blankly at my computer each day), and ask for help (so I don't loose steam before I have any to loose). These small things have helped me time after time, and if you're in need of a mojo injection, I know they will help you too.
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I don't know about you, but so often - sometimes every day - there comes a point in my day when I feel bad about where I'm not and what I am not doing. It might just be that I have an over-developed sense of guilt (I mean I went to Catholic school for 13 years and come from a big Indian family, so the combo turns normal guilt trips into epic guilt pilgrimages) or it might just be that I always feel pulled in too many directions.
When I'm working, I worry that I'm not spending enough time nurturing my personal relationships and when I'm spending time with people I love, I worry that I should be doing something for my businesses and when I'm working diligently on my businesses, I worry that I'm not investing enough time on my health and fitness. It's a no-win situation that can drive anyone crazy. And I remember clearly the day a few years ago when I was going down a spiral of "I should be here, no I should be there, no wait, I NEED to be way over there..." and a really wise friend - who also happens to be a very successful, seemingly non-stressed business owner (who travels all the time for her business) AND is a mom of three - gave me the best advice I have gotten for my business and my life in general: Make a decision and then own it. Now this little bit of advice might look obvious - and often the best advice is - but the profundity (now there's a big word for a Sunday) lies precisely in its simplicity. And I can usually tell how profound advice is by how difficult it is for me to implement. In this case, it's that much harder because there are two parts: 1) making the decision, and 2) owning it. I find that as I've practiced and gotten better at 1, I've really needed to up my game when it comes to 2. And damnnnnnnnnnnn, is it hard. Not because I abdicate responsibility for my decisions, but because with every decision I make, there is a tradeoff, and in my heart of hearts I am a maximalist who hates that I can't be everywhere, do all the things, and be everything to everyone all the time. Tradeoffs suck, but the grown-up in me knows that tradeoffs are inescapable. And it's only with time and practice and catching myself that I've gotten better at accepting that truth and being truly present wherever I am instead of agonizing about where I'm not. Because the thing is, once we make a decision, that should mean we have already considered the relevant facts beforehand. That should mean we have done our best to make the best decision with the circumstances we are given. And that should then mean that it is easier to own the decision - tradeoffs and all - and move on. So now, whenever I am doing something to grow my businesses or spending evenings giving talks or taking afternoons to write my book, I TRY to be fully present and focus on delivering the best talk, having the best meeting, writing the best chapter, and leave everything else where it is. And then when I am with my family (my two daughters in particular), I TRY to focus fully on them, on what we are doing in the moment, and leave my phone and all of the things on my never-ending to-accomplish list physically and mentally out of the way. It's not easy, but I try as best I can. And I firmly believe (know!) that we are not compartmented people, despite what we tell ourselves, and that we take everything with us wherever we go. But the key is not to let the guilt come there with us too, because it will consume us AND the fun and success we could otherwise be experiencing if we hadn't invited guilt to the party. I get it. Like I said, I struggle with this on a near-daily basis. And there are no hacks that I've uncovered other than practice. So, the next time you start wishing you were somewhere else or feel guilty about where you are not, remind yourself that you decided to be wherever you are and then practice owning that decision. It will make being a grown-up, a boss, a business-owner, a leader, a parent, a partner, and a person that much easier AND will be a reminder that choice is a gift we shouldn't always spoil by wishing we had made a different one. When I was at the CIA, one of our core mission values was “speaking truth to power.” This wasn’t just a nicety plastered on the walls. This was something we all were called on to live each day in big and small ways. Sometimes that meant pushing back against a supervisor’s opinion, other times that meant telling the President of the United States that a specific policy simply wasn’t working.
It was uncomfortable and awkward and sometimes terrifying, but there was a strong culture of being honest, of “knowing the truth and letting the truth make you free,” even when that truth hurt. Sure, there were times when we did this imperfectly, and times when we did it messily, or less fully, but we did it. And that’s how it is for our personal values too. We have to live them for them to count as being ours. If we say we value family, but spend our whole day working (even if it’s work we enjoy and care about) and only show up for bedtimes and mealtimes, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value our health, but eat whatever pre-wrapped garbage is easiest to swallow because we’re so busy with other things that we can’t eat actual food, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. If we say we value integrity, but always cut corners or do things half-assed because we can’t be bothered to give it our all, that’s not living our values. We don’t get to claim that one. And - truth bomb alert - if we say we value ourselves, but don’t look after our health, don’t go to the doctor about that niggling thing, don’t invest in ourselves, don’t stand up for ourselves, and don’t tell that inner voice in our heads to shut up when she’s being a banshee about how we look or how we perform, that’s not living our values. We definitely don’t get to claim that one. We don’t get to say we value family, health, integrity, ourselves and then live differently. That’s not how it works. Either we’re honest about how we are living and say we really value work, junk food, expedience, and being shitty to ourselves OR we change our behavior and get to claim the values that we want to have (family, health, integrity, ourselves). Too often we overcomplicate things. We are hypocrites about things. And we keep intangible things like values too intangible. But if we say we care about something, then we have to show we care about it with what we do everyday. It is as simple as that. During my last Power Hour session, I shared some tips about living your ideal day now, in whatever small way you can. (You can re-watch the session on Making Your Boldest Ambitions a Reality here). But since then, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I wasn't thinking big enough. That doing small things was maybe too small. That maybe, just maybe, we could all live our Ideal Day for a full day, starting now.
What I mean is this: we all tell ourselves a story about what is or isn't possible. And sometimes that story goes something like this: your "ideal day" is pie in the sky and something you'll have to wait for if you ever get it at all, and oh, till then, you'll have to suffer lots and earn your ideal, but it won't come for years and years and years. But what if we told ourselves a different story? What if we sold ourselves a different story? Because sometimes, just sometimes, the only thing separating our "ideal" from our reality is the choices we make and a lack of imagination. So, I'd like to set us all a challenge to prove to ourselves how much of our Ideal Day is possible. Already. Now. Pronto. First, write down in detail what your ideal day looks like (get all your senses involved): where do you wake up, what do you eat, what can you smell, what are you doing with your time, who are you with, how are you using your brain, how are you flexing your body, and how are you energizing your spirit. Think of as much detail as you can... ...And then - this is the key part - reserve a day in April (or sooner if you can) when you will actually live your ideal day. All. Day. Long. Now before you protest about jobs and kids and other commitments, just go with it. Choose a Saturday or a Sunday if you have to. Get a babysitter. Take a day off work if you've got the leave. And then be creative and expansive about the Art of the Possible. Make adjustments if required (some things might not be possible because of lockdown but get creative! If you can't go to a museum or the theatre in person, can you do a virtual trip or watch Hamilton on Disney+?), make plans if you have to, buy the groceries if you need to, but live as fully as you possibly can in your ideal day. ALL. DAY. LONG. Here's what I'll be doing: waking up before the sun rises, eating a warm breakfast (American-style pancakes with lots of syrup), doing a virtual ballet class, reading fiction for a few uninterrupted hours, writing for a few uninterrupted hours, going for a walk in the sunshine to pick up coffee from my favorite local, running a workshop, and spending quality time with my family in the evening while we eat takeout (I hate cooking). Nothing else. No email, no admin, no firefighting, just one precious day where I will live my ideal. (And for ultimate accountability, I'll be living my ideal day on 31 March... You can test me on it if you like because I'll be doing our 4th Power Hour session that day.) If you need any convincing, here's why I think you should do this and why we all can do this: When we live our Ideal Day, we get to try it on, see how it feels, how it fits, and experience what this amorphous "ideal" is like. And then, if it feels good, we can find ways (because our brains are creative like that) to live that ideal more often. And internalizing how good it feels will motivate us to make the ideal a reality more often too. And we can also see where we need to make tweaks, what we might want to change, what elements to leave out/put in, and what life changes might need addressing now. And if it feels different to what we expected, that is good too. Because we now have information to tell us whether our "ideal" is really the promised land we told ourselves it would be, or if there is something missing. Just go with me on this one. It may sound strange, and you may resist it, but just try. For one day, one whole precious full day, live your Ideal Day. And experience what it's like to live a life of your own making because you made it happen. I got an email the other day from a company I love where they were celebrating the gradual and here-before-we-know-it end of lockdown. For a split second, I shared in their joy and thought to myself "YESSSSS! Finally!"... and then a split second later, I thought "Oh nooooo."
Now, I know the past year has been crazy and difficult and stressful in so many big and small ways, but there are definitely some things I will miss about our current pace of life and living when things go back to "normal." For example, I am a very social person, but also a home-body. And lockdown has given me so much precious time at home. Yes, sometimes I wanted to punch through the walls through sheer boredom or frustration, but a lot of the times, I thought how happy I was to not be rushing around like a headless chicken to endless social events, work meetings, and all manner of things that filled up my days in The Before Times. In many ways, my pre-COVID life was full of busy-ness instead of business. And I really do not miss the busy-ness. Or the pressure to go out. Or the demands for in-person meetings. Or all the stuff that filled my diary, but sometimes sapped my spirits. I'm going to miss this slower pace of life. The way we have all focused our expectations on nothing but essentials. The chances we have all been given to be inward instead of always outward. And maybe, just maybe, there are things about lockdown life that you'll miss too? Because I know myself. I miss seeing people. And I am terrified that as soon as we can, I'll be running here, there, and everywhere to make up for "lost" time, instead of remembering and treasuring how much time I gained by not running here, there, and everywhere for the past year. But I'm not going to despair, and neither should you. Because forewarned is forearmed, and all that. We know what is coming over the next few months, we know how things will be opening up, and we know - most important of all - about ourselves. So let's take time now, while we still can and while we still have breathing room, to plan for how we are going to protect all we gained during lockdown, how we are going to reign ourselves in, and how we are going to create and enforce the boundaries we need. And let's remember to do whatever we can to be thoughtful about how we are living and leading before we rush back to what life was like before lockdown gave us the gifts it did. Late last year after I gave birth to our second daughter, I was having a conversation with my doula that turned philosophical (big life changes have a way of bringing out my inner Socrates). She said that here in the West, we have gotten so accustomed to easy lives of comfort that we feel entitled to happiness and chase it obsessively. We hide from pain, avoid discomfort, rush through difficulty, try to wish away anything that feels awkward.
But what if we let go of the pursuit of happiness, and chased something deeper instead? What if we traded happiness for aliveness? Because we all know happiness can be elusive. And the world doesn't owe us anything. Reality takes liberties with our dreams. Life doesn't conform to our plans. And over and over, because that is just how it is, we face set backs and challenges, and choppy waters and all manner of things that don't go our way. But truly feeling the feels, letting it be okay when things are not okay, accepting the downs with the ups, that is being alive. And by choosing to embrace aliveness, we can find meaning in the "stuff" that makes us unhappy and infuse even the hardest times in our lives with purpose and energy. And we can let ourselves experience the toughness - learn from it, grow from it, become more resilient from it - instead of always rushing to escape from it. By embracing aliveness - and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it - we can find power and strength in ourselves that we may not have known was there if we had only ever forced the happiness agenda. On the Entreprenora Boardroom, a small group of founders come together twice a month and grapple with the many big and small issues we all face as founders and leaders. And one of the themes that comes up again and again is around owning our worth, and not literally or figuratively selling ourselves short.
I know the past 12 months have been a sucker punch to us all. Many of us have had to pivot like crazy and are spinning endless plates under increased personal, emotional, and practical pressure. In many ways, it has been relentless. BUT, I also know that the way we treat ourselves and our businesses communicates something powerful to the world about how it can treat us back. While customers and growth are important, we also need to remind ourselves that it's okay to leave money on the table if those customers or that growth devalues who we are and what we have to offer. It's not black or white, of course, but some money is simply not worth bringing into our businesses, and some of our assets are simply not for sale. We can say no to investors who think they "own" us (yes, there investors who use those words). We can respectfully push back against customers who demand and demand but never appreciate when we provide and provide (80% of the "trouble" usually accounts for only 20% of the revenue). Or we can tactfully "fire" clients whose values simply don't align with ours. When we say no to things, when we create boundaries around what we will and won't accept, when we create spaces in our businesses, it is often painful. But nature abhors a void, and by leaving some things behind, we make room for better things ahead. I have been having lots of tough-love conversations recently with my coaching clients around their plans for their businesses and their goals for this year, and I wanted to share some of that energy with you.
Now, 2020 was a mo-fo of a year, there is no escaping that. Many of us faced challenges or hurdles like we've never faced before. Many of our businesses had to be totally overhauled or revamped. Many of our lives were rocked by lockdown. And many of us are still reeling from the uncertainties of the world around us. BUT. Many of us also flourished in 2020. We made massive progress. We launched new businesses. We pivoted and persevered and helped others along the way. We made stuff happen day in, day out. And that's why sometimes we need to shake ourselves and remember how easy it is for us to do hard things. And that if we really want to build the life and success we want then we can either make excuses or we can make things happen. This is always true. Even before COVID, there have been challenges and shocks. Even before COVID we have faced uncertainty and upheaval. Even before COVID our personal lives have been overhauled by change. After my first daughter was born I ran a business full-time and held investor meetings or important phone calls while breastfeeding. After a health complication, I went for daily hour-plus walks because I needed time away from the gym to recouperate but didn't want to give up on my body. After a major financial shock, I mercilessly eliminated costs in my personal and business life and got hustling to make more money and get more clients. I bring up these very personal examples because each of them represent a choice: self-respect over self-sacrifice, self-care over self-pity, self-preservation over self-destruction. And I say this not because I am super-human or perfect in any way, but because I am very normal. I am just like you. You have done the same. You have persevered when you wanted to give up. You have fought when you wanted to let go. You have found a way forward when it would have been easier to float backward. You made the same types of proactive and productive choices in different parts of your life at different times of your life. You did that. And I'm here to remind you of your own power because it's so easy to think others are better, more resilient, harder working, or luckier than we are. But we know that's not true. We are ALL doers. So, remember my dear Entreprenoras, as you look to the year ahead, as you look to grow past the year that's gone, YOU can do hard things. You have done hard things. And YOU are either already the type of woman who makes things happen, or you already have it in you to be her more often. Just a few years ago, I remember feeling excited and proud that I had gotten to the point in my business where I needed to hire not one, but TWO new assistants. I was over-stretched and overwhelmed at the time, and was excited to have two people to pass all my "stuff" on to. I had made it!
But ahhh, how quickly that pride turned to disappointment. Before the first month was out, one of the assistants decided she didn't want to work. And before the year was out, it was clear the other assistant wasn't moving my business forward. It was only when both of them had gone that my business started to flourish and grow towards its potential again. Not only had I cut costs, I realized that some of the work they were doing manually was better done using a software, and some of the other work they were doing was simply a waste of time or padded with "nice to haves". It wasn't sexy having zero employees again, but it was better. And that's why I am now so careful to recognize that it's not the "more" or the vanity metrics or the catchy sound-bites that tell us when we have "made it"; its the results and impact. It's not the mindless inputs, but the thoughtful outputs. It's not how little we sleep, but how much we accomplish while awake. It's not the number of hours we work, but the number of high-value things that get done in those hours. It's not working harder that is something to be proud of; it's working smarter. Sure, sometimes we should be proud when we hire someone. And sure, sometimes we should be proud of how hard we work and how much we give up to achieve our goals (life is about tradeoffs, after all). BUT, we should also watch what we are proud of and make sure that we are proud of the things that have a real, measurable, and positive impact on us and our businesses and not just the things that sound impressive or make us look - or feel - like business bad-asses. Watch what you are proud of and the other "stuff" will take care of itself. When I was starting my first business, I came across a quote that had a massive impact on me: "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." I remember at the time doing an immediate inventory, and I didn't like what I found.
I had left a highly-intellectual and analytic career with brilliant colleagues, finished two years of business school where I was surrounded by driven and focused friends, and was now working for myself, by myself. I was isolated and on my own for most of each day. And when I was around other people, the five I saw the most were my then-fiancee, my soon-to-be-mother-in-law, and some lovely but uninspiring friends who didn't work. I was the average of that?? One of the biggest downfalls of becoming an entrepreneur that not enough people talk about is this: when you are bootstrapping a business, working from home, and building your vision from scratch, you have to make an effort to find the communities that you took for granted when you were working for someone else. You have to look for people who will support, push, and challenge you. You have to seek out relationships that will help you and your business grow. But where are you supposed to find them? And how? For a long time, I had no idea. I was mildly depressed for large parts of those first few years and I felt deeply isolated. (It didn't help that I was living in the 'burbs at the time, where the only things within walking distance were a large supermarket and a movie theater... not exactly buzzy co-working spaces where I'd meet other entrepreneurs!) After almost two years (TWO YEARS!) of doing things on my own and being professionally lonely, I teamed up with two of my favorite and most successful friend-preneurs to do something as life-changing and morale-boosting as starting a WhatsApp group, and our little threesome was, and still is, exactly what I needed. But, dear Entreprenoras, as we all know, not all WhatsApp groups or business groups or entrepreneur groups are created equal. We have to choose wisely. We have to look for, or create, environments that will help us do and be more than we could do or be on our own. We have to go where the standards are high. It's that thing about averages: if we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with - and science and research has proven this to be true again and again - then wouldn't it be great to be a part of a group where we are surrounded by high-performers who are committed to excellence, learning, improving, and sharing (like this one!)? Wouldn't it be great if we sought out communities where we were the "dumbest" person in the room so we could push ourselves harder than we knew we could push? Wouldn't it be exhilarating to be surrounded by people who get what we are trying to do and will help us do it better, faster, and more successfully than we could have on our own? The communities, the people, the ideas that contribute to our average don't have to be physical. They can be made up of the authors we read, the podcasts we listen to, the thought leaders we follow, the online forums we join. But we have to choose carefully. We have to go where the standards are high. Where the expectations are massive. Where we will metaphorically rub elbows with people who don't make us feel desperate for a shower after we have metaphorically rubbed elbows with them! It's the law of averages, after all, and you don't want your "five" bringing your average down. As I've grown my two businesses, I've found myself asking for some seemingly unusual things: for assistants to use certain fonts in presentations, to send me information in bullet points instead of block text, to lay workbooks for an event at specific angles, or to use paperclips instead of staples.
And every time I give very clear direction, a small voice in the recesses of my mind chuckles a bit because what others might see as being diva-ish I see as being decisive. Whether we admit it or not, we all have standards, and expectations, and preferences for the way we want things to be done. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it's stupid or over the top because no one else can tell us what we care about. Because the thing is, I would rather be the type of leader and partner who is clear about my expectations instead of a passive-aggressive one who pretends not to care but then fumes and burns inside. We don't go into restaurants and expect waiters to know what we want, so why do we do that with our partners, our clients, our suppliers, or our colleagues? Why not just communicate what we want, exactly how we want it, and take the guesswork out of it? Why not be specific about when certain instructions are must-haves and when others can be executed within general parameters? It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but at least it leaves no room for mis-interpretation. And then any results that are other than what we've asked for are failures of execution, not failures of communication. This isn't to put blame on others or take responsibility away from ourselves. Quite the opposite: when we communicate what we want and are specific about it, it puts total responsibility on us to be clear, and frees the people in our lives from the stress of not knowing. Good instructions and communication set everyone up to succeed, not fail. If you want your co-founder to do more of the tedium that has ended up on your desk, ask them to help. If you want your partner to help out at home more so you have time to build your business, ask them to help. If you want your bookkeeper to send you your P&L statements each month so you can review them, ask them to do it. If you want something but aren't sure whether it exists, ask Google if it does. Ask, ask, ask, and ask again. And be specific about what you want. The more you ask, the more you'll get and - more important - the more you'll see that being a good leader or CEO or partner or parent isn't about testing other people to read your mind, it's about giving them the tools and instructions to succeed without having to do so. When I had our second child back in October, I was reminded again of the beautiful, but chaotic, chaos that comes with those early weeks and months. Life is broken up into unpredictable blocks of time between naps and nappies, appointments and ointments, and sleep deprived delirium that results in half-completed work on your laptop and half-finished meals on your worktop.
As someone who likes tidiness and order and control, I find the early days the hardest because all of a sudden, I can’t be productive or “perfect” at anything. It is like a massive right hook to my pride followed by an uppercut to my sanity. It feels terrible. Now, of course unpredictability and over-full days are not the exclusive domain of parents. At some point, all high-performers and mega-achievers and go-getters (like you!) find themselves oversubscribed and overwhelmed. And when that happens, some of the best advice we can live by is this: to set ourselves only ONE goal for each day. Because you see, when we are stressed and overwhelmed and have more tasks than time, it can become soul-destroying to think about how little we are getting done and how much we are not accomplishing. But if we take some of the pressure off (even just temporarily), and if we focus on getting just ONE super-high-value thing done each day, that can be enough to keep us going. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. In those early post-partem days, my “one thing” would sometimes be as small as making one phone call. Or writing one important email. Or going to one gym class. Just one small thing that reminded me that I wasn’t a failure and that micro-steps forward still count. And that approach to my days made ALL the difference in the world. It gave me my sense of accomplishment back. It helped me let go of any simmering resentment I felt. It allowed me to enjoy my time with my newborn and stop stressing (mostly) about everything else. One is a small, but mighty number. And enough “1s” can sustain our momentum just long enough to make sure that we never totally lose it when big changes come our way. We can’t always get the kind of time we want. But, focusing on just ONE thing allows us to get by, push on, and make sure that major life events or major pressures on our time don’t obliterate everything that came before, or everything that comes after. That is the power of one. We are finally here. The last 10 lessons of my 40 Learned by 40 AND the end of 2020. What a year it's been for all of us. When our minds next meet, it will be 2021 so let me pause for a second and wish you a warm, serene, and settled close to the year.
We've all proven to ourselves that no matter what the world throws our way, we will survive and come our stronger and smarter, so let's bring that inner flame of confidence with us as we look ahead to everything we have planned for 2021 and beyond. Watch out world, here we come... ...And here come the last 10 lessons in my series! 31 – Release the guilt and own your decisions – There will always be conflicting pulls on our time, energy, and resources. But instead of torturing ourselves with guilt about where we use that time, energy, and resources, let’s be grown-ups about what we choose to do and own our decisions, consequences and all. 32 – Protect what you already have – It’s easier to keep what you’ve got than it is to get more. So value and take care of your time, your income, your relationships, your investments, your customers, your health, everything you already have before you go looking for more. 33 – ASK – If you don’t ask, you don’t get. The worst than can happen is you’ll get ignored or hear “no” so ask for what you want or need, and be specific. You won't always get it, but at least you tried. 34 – Don’t focus on the void – It’s important to keep our eyes to the future and the goals we want to achieve, but it’s equally important that we recognize how far we’ve already come and how much we already have. 35 – Set and enforce boundaries – You have to be your own strictest guardian otherwise the rest of the world will live your life for you. 36 – Batch, batch, batch – There is a simple power in doing like activities in batches (checking email, making phone calls, paying bills, etc) instead of frittering your time jumping from one discreet task to another task. Batching will keep you sane and make you more productive than you thought you could be. 37 – Pay yourself first – This means emotionally, physically, and financially. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Think of it as being self-full instead of selfish. 38 – Run your own race – Comparisonitis is a bastard and will keep you from making progress and doing the things that are important to you. Don’t live your life with your head on a swivel. Or as my dad would say “Live an absolute life, not a relative one.” 39 – Capture your year – There is nothing like keeping track of the lessons learned each year and crystalizing what went well, where things could have improved, and learning as much as you can from your experiences. If you don’t capture what you learn along the way, life can end up being a series of repeated mistakes and opportunities for growth lost. 40 – PERSIST and keep going – One of my favorite quotes captures this perfectly: “Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.” And one final bonus lesson that has been my personal mantra: Say yes to adventure! Accumulate great stories instead of great things. From performing in London 2012, to working at the CIA, to starting multiple businesses, to living on a farm in the middle-of-nowhere Costa Rica, I’ve never said no to an adventure, and I’ve never regretted it once. We only get one shot at life. Make it count. And make it fun! We are coming up to the final 20, and some of my favorite lessons are still to come! Hope you're enjoying these as much as I have enjoyed reflecting on what to include. Here we go...
21 – Decide against fear – Control what you can control and don’t let fear get in the way. It can be as simple as choosing not to be afraid and reminding yourself that so often (maybe always) F.E.A.R. is just False Expectations Appearing Real. 22 – Expand the life of your mind – Being alive and being human is about so much more than financial or professional milestones. Take time to regularly feed your brain thoughts and ideas that you’ve never come across and inspiration from other fields. You don’t have to become a polymath, but we all owe it to ourselves to be interesting and interested in the bigger world. 23 – Watch what you are proud of – Measure what matters to you and don’t worry about “vanity metrics.” 24 – Have a plan, but be flexible – The world likes to take liberties with even the most meticulously detailed plan, so have a Plan B, Plan C, and maybe even a Plan D. 25 – Be “there” now – It’s so important to have goals and aspirations and ideals that we are striving for, but the trick to being happy (most of the time) is to find the right balance between striving for what you want and contentment with what you’ve got. 26 – Use the compound effect to work for you – Even small decisions, accumulated over time can have massive impacts. For example, spending just 15 minutes a day on something adds up to almost 4 days’ worth of time over a year. Be careful with the “small stuff” and the “big stuff” will take care of itself. 27 – Track your stats – Keep track of where specifically your time, energy, and money is going. You need to have an objective measure of what you are and are not doing to see where there might be room for correction or redirection. As Plato said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." 28 – It’s ALL been done before… but not by YOU – It’s so easy to get disheartened or to succumb to comparison-it is when we are doing something new because it seems everyone has already beaten us to it. And the truth is, they have! But whether you’re writing a novel, opening up a café, or starting the next Google, only YOU can bring your you-ness and your take on things to the world. That is enough. 29 – Saturate your mind – Our brains are computers so Garbage In = Garbage Out. Saturate your mind with high-quality, high-value thoughts, ideas, conversation, and inspiration and see the difference it makes. 30 – Sometimes it’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission – Enough said. Last week I shared some of my top lessons from a life of four decades, and I'm back for the next 10. Hope you enjoy!
11 – Never stop learning – I know you don’t need the reminder, but when you stop learning, you stop growing. Whether about yourself, about business, or about any topic that interests you, keep learning and expanding your mind. You are your biggest asset. 12 – Commit to the process, not the outcome – Results come LAST. Get comfortable with repetition, tedium, trade-offs, and doing the right thing consistently, and the results will take care of themselves. 13 – Take some of the pressure off – Setting goals and deadlines is important, but remember goals and deadlines are also arbitrary. As long as you keep moving forward, it’s okay if things take a little longer or come out a little differently than you expected. 14 – There is time… – Everything doesn’t have to happen this year, and you don’t have to do all the things. Choose a few things you care about and commit to them. There is time for everything. 15 – …But don’t wait too long – Finding the balance between urgency and contentment is a life-long practice, so practice until you find what works for you. 16 – Put yourself “out there” – When you shine, you give others permission to do the same, so don’t hide your light under a bushel or minimize yourself to make others feel better. No one is served by you playing small. 17 – Anything is possible – You can retire by 38, do push ups while 8 months pregnant, have successful careers in widely different fields, make a lot of money and not turn into a jerk, live your dream lifestyle, and so much more… I know because I’ve done all of that, and if I can, you can. If one person can do anything then another person can. The trick is to learn how, find role models, coaches, supporters, communities where what you want to achieve is the norm. And if you can’t find a role model “out there”, then… 18 – Be your own role model – Prove to yourself what you are capable of. Be the first person to do what you do. Roger Bannister didn’t let a lack of role models stop him from becoming the first person to run a 4-minute mile, Madam CJ Walker didn’t let a lack of examples keep her from becoming the first woman (and first black woman) millionaire in America in the early 1900s. You don’t need to “see it to be it”; sometimes you have to be it so others can see it. 19 – Work smarter, not harder – Better to do 1 hour of “smart” work than 100 hours of “hard” work. Think of ways to do things faster, easier, and with less input from you instead of punishing yourself with more, more, and more. 20 – Focus on what you can control – Don’t get mired in hand-wringing, worrying, or wallowing when problems arise; take a breath, vent if you need to, then focus on what you CAN do about whatever plagues you and keep moving. Till next week. "I have so much lost time to make up for!"
That is one of the refrains I hear more and more as we come to the end of this difficult year. It is hard not to feel like 2020 was a wasted year, when so much has been taken and so much focus has been on what we can't do and who we can't see. But one of the lessons I hope stays with us from this annus horribilis is a new appreciation for what we DO have, instead of waiting for it to be taken away from us before we realize how lucky we are. As people with drive and vision, we can sometimes be so focused on the void, on what is missing or left to be done. We want to build and grow and change the world and be our own boss and through all that achieving and goal-orienteering, we can lose daily sight of what is important forever, and what we have right now. We can forget to enjoy our snippets of free time while we work hard to buy back our time. We can squander precious opportunities to be present with loved ones in our pursuit to build a legacy for them. We can forget who we are doing all this for - or why we are doing it - while they, or it, are right in front of us. And we can sometimes, maybe often-times, neglect ourselves and our health. Getting the balance right, however we define "right", can be a struggle. There are always trade-offs to make and priorities to juggle in the precious minutes we get each day. But in our frenzied minds and hectic days, let's make sure we make a point to take time and pause for reflection. To be thankful. To appreciate. To be present. To take care. And to be there - wherever that elusive "there" is - now, in whatever way we can. Success is no substitute for health. And achievement is no substitute for love. Instead of speeding up and cramming in more to make up for "lost" time, let's remember to sometimes slow down and do less and make the most of the time we have, the people we have, the success we have. And let's remember who or what we are doing all this growing and building and achieving for, and protect and cherish it along the way. I know it isn't the "done thing" for a woman to reveal her age, but I've always found that such a silly idea. To me, age has always been a totally arbitrary marker of everything other than base chronology (we all know "old" people who are are "young" and "young" people who seem to be "dead" already).
But "milestone" ages (again arbitrary in that they tend to end in "0"s or "5"s) can also be a great trigger for change, evaluation, and reflection. That's why I thought I'd celebrate my 40th year of life on this amazing planet by summarizing some of the biggest lessons I've learned. The list isn't exhaustive, but these are some of the key ideas that have helped me breathe life into life and reminded me that anything really is possible. There are no shortcuts to success, but a life better, more thoughtfully, and more happily led are what I know you will gain from what I share. I say that with the confidence that comes from experience (I won’t say “age” just yet!). So get reading, get going, and keep growing... 1 – Mindset is everything – Get your head “right” and everything else will come. If I had to distil the wisdom of the world into one idea, it would be this. If you do nothing else for yourself, build and work on your mindset. 2 – Work on your money blocks – We all have them, and if you’ve never heard of them, I recommend you get googling. It’s amazing how things we don’t know are there can hold us back. (Australian coach Denise Duffield-Thomas, and Entreprenora Caroline Hughes do some great work around money blocks.) 3 – Be careful who you take advice from – There’s that irreverent quote about opinions and (*ahem*) a certain body part… everyone’s got them! So make sure whoever you listen to has been there, done that with regards to what they are giving you advice about. All opinions are not created equal. 4 – Trust but verify – This is true for everyone, but perhaps especially so about colleagues, co-workers, suppliers, or employees. Default to trust, but make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. Some (maybe many) people will only do the bare minimum or what they can get away with. 5 – You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with… CHOOSE CAREFULLY! – Sit and reflect on this for a few minutes, and do a mental inventory of your five. Either they’re helping you move forward, or pulling you backwards. There is no standing still. (If I had to distil the wisdom of the world into a second key idea, it would be this.) 6 – Curate your environment – This is true about your physical, mental, social, and emotional environment. Get rid of the garbage and fill your personal space with high quality thoughts, things, people and places. We respond to, and are a product of, our surroundings far more than we may realize. 7 – Be deliberate and *selective* with yes’es – Don’t fall into the trap of yes’ing your way through life; be careful about where, how, and with whom you invest your time, energy, and resources. "Yes" and "no" are two of the most powerful words in your life arsenal. 8 – Be decisive – "Successful people are quick to make a decision and slow to change their mind; unsuccessful people are slow to make a decision and quick to change their mind." Be the successful one: decisive, but not hasty; deliberate, but not daft. Make a decision, make the best of it, tweak it, and keep moving. Ever forward, ever upward. One decision at a time. 9 – Demand a true partner – Don’t settle for a half-a$$ed commitment from anyone in your life. Share the mental, practical, financial, and administrative load equitably with the life and business partners you have. It will take some difficult conversations to get there, but don't shy away from having them. 10 – Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you – It's great to be the "dumbest" person in the room because it means we are growing and stretching ourselves... and that we are humble enough to know that we can't and don't need to be experts at everything. I'll see you next week for the next instalment of my "Top 40". I love a good quote. I've got a notebook full of wisdom uttered from the mouths of everyone from Plato to Tupac Shakur and every now and then when I have a good flick through, I come upon a new gem or find new significance for an old classic.
It was during a recent flip through that I came back upon one of my all time favorites, a real diamond from Henry Ford: "If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they would have asked for a faster horse... Idiots!" Now, I know Ford didn't call his potential customers idiots, but I'm guessing he was probably thinking it. And I love that Ford, inventor and industrial revolutionary, was like "Hey, you know what customers? Forget you! I'm building something great here, and what you think you want is irrelevant. So get back in your slow-a$$ carriages and scram!" How gutsy, how totally against the grain of our nice-nice society, how incredibly brave to say to a customer you're NOT always right. Because the thing is, dear Entreprenoras, our customers can sometimes be our worst enemies. They will ask and ask and ask and the trouble is, sometimes what they want is something you can't or shouldn't give. And sometimes even when you DO give your customer what they want, they change their mind and decide they don't want it anymore and then you've wasted all that time and effort and money for nothing. How frustrating! For example, just a few short weeks ago, on the heels of an over-subscribed event, I polled my waiting list and other potential customers to see if they'd like me to run the event again. I got almost two dozen thumbs-ups so got busy putting everything together, setting up the ticket site, ordering workbooks, clearing my weekend, and after all that, guess what? Guess how many customers bought what they asked for once I had it ready for them? Exactly zero. "But I did what you asked!" I wanted to scream at the registration page. "Where did you all go?" I wanted to shout into the wind. But all I got in response was crickets. And it reminded me again that I don't always have to listen to my customers and I don't always have to oblige. My customers aren't always right. And neither are yours. We can only offer what we can offer. And sometimes a customer doesn't know what they want until you show it to them (like the Model T). And sometimes what they want is not part of YOUR plan for your business, so you have to just ignore it. I'm not saying we should ignore all customer feedback or pretend like all requests are irrelevant. What I am saying is that we should work hard to make our service or product as good as possible, hold ourselves to really high standards in how we deliver them, commit to always improving, listen to feedback and requests, and then filter the feedback and requests. Some ideas might be worth considering, others might not. A request is not an order. Feedback is not a command. Take on board what your customers say and then use your best judgment to filter and decide what is worth implementing and what is worth forgetting about. Your relationship with your customer is exactly that: a relationship. And like in all relationships, one side isn't always right or more important. Your relationship is a conversation, an exchange, and sometimes you will have to agree to disagree. If Henry Ford hadn't disagreed, how far behind would automotive technology and car culture be now? If you don't sometimes disagree, how far behind will you be in growing your business according to your vision? You don't always have to listen to your customer. And sometimes when they ask for a horse, you have to give them a Model T instead. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..."
Ever heard those words before? I'm guessing that you've often found some version of that "perfectionist's creed" playing in a loop in your head as you've started and grown your business (and run your day-to-day life!). I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But perfect at all things? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more I hear it from my clients, and the more I try to train myself out of it, the more I see self-proclaimed perfectionism as something quite different: laziness and anxiety in disguise. Let me explain. First of all, I think we can agree that doing anything "perfectly" is basically impossible because "perfect" is subjective. What I think is perfect, others might think sucks, and what they think is perfect, I might find seriously flawed. Perfect is a standard that we define and our definition will inevitably be different to someone else's. Secondly, perfectionism is often used as an excuse for not doing something - "Oh, that website, will never be as perfect as I want it to be, so I may as well not build it"; "My business will never be as big as I want it to be, so I'm not going to start it"; "This marketing campaign will never capture everything I want to convey, so why bother planning it" - OR perfectionism is used as an excuse to keep doing everything ourselves because we can't be bothered to TRY to delegate to someone else or TRY to find someone who might, just might, be able to do it at least as well as (or maybe even better... gasp!), as we can or TRY to have a difficult conversation with a colleague or a partner about how they can contribute or improve. Perfectionism maintains the status quo - we either don't do something or we keep doing everything - and the status quo is, well, lazy. And perfectionism keeps us from addressing our often baseless anxieties. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. Do you think Richard Branson comes up with new business arms AND does the marketing plan AND does the pricing AND chooses the words for each ad AND makes the coffee? No! Do you think Sara Blakely turned her product idea into a billion-dollar business by sewing each item of Spanx herself AND building her website AND shipping her products AND ordering the paper clips for the office? Hell no! So why do we? Why do we think we can grow a business AND do it all because no one else can? Why do we hold ourselves back by deluding ourselves that we are the exception to every rule of success (delegate, leverage, focus on what you're good at, test and iterate...)? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we being lazy? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we just anxious? Done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect business is better than one that stays in your head. Get something out there and improve, iterate, and - dare I say it! - perfect it later. Be honest about what your "perfectionism" is costing you and your business, and then try, at least try, to hide behind the Perfectionist's Creed a little less often. Every evening as we put our daughter to sleep, in between getting her ready for bed and taking her to her room, my husband goes down to our office for a few minutes. For the longest time, this annoyed me to no end. "What's the point in leaving for five minutes?" I would say to myself. "It's just unnecessary back and forth."
And then I did the math. Those five minutes that I was so dismissive of add up. I mean really add up: five minutes every day for 365 days equates to 1825 minutes or 30.42 hours or 1.27 days. A whole extra day and then some. When I did the math, I was stunned. I mean what more could I do with an extra 1.27 days each year? How many more books could I read in 30.42 hours? How many more trips to the gym could I fit in? How many more blog posts could I write? How many more walks could I go on?... We often dismiss - and squander - small increments of time because we think they are insignificant. We ignore the power of compounding. There are so many things about which we say "Oh, it'll just take five minutes" and then we plunge in. But even if it does just take five minutes, are those five minutes being used in the best way possible? I often get clients and students resist my suggestions to delegate small things because they say it only takes them five minutes to do and it's just easier to do it themselves (sound familiar?). But using the math above, you can see how lots of little "five minutes here" and "five minutes there" can eat away DAYS of your year. So what are you spending "only five minutes" on that you could or should delegate to someone else? What could you START to spend five minutes on each day to move you closer to one of your goals? Five minutes is never just five minutes (even when it is five minutes), because that "five minutes" mentality keeps so many of us stuck doing things that we should NOT be doing, or keeps us from starting things we should. We all underestimate the power of five minutes. I still find myself doing so. But we need to pay attention to all the minutes, and - to paraphrase a famous saying - Watch the minutes so that the years can take care of themselves. You may not know this about me, but I have always loved, LOVED to write, and have been writing since I could hold a pencil in my “sinister” left hand (as a child, I once spent an entire day transcribing the movie Superman 2 for the sheer joy of filling up an entire notebook with my scrawl — we had VCRs back in that day, so it was an even more tedious task than you can imagine!).
But until recently, I had let work, career, parenthood, other “stuff” take over, and years and years had passed without my having written a jot. And it wasn’t until a few years ago when I started writing regularly again that I realized how much I missed the creativity and thought that goes into choosing just the right word or capturing my ideas in written form, and how much it fills my brain and my soul to create. I am a writer. I always have been. But I also love math and science and astrophysics. I am a contradiction in so many ways. But aren’t we all?… One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the past seven years of being my own boss is that I need to honor who I am. Most of us don’t do that. I still struggle to do it from time to time. We waste years of our lives trying to work on our (perceived) deficiencies or force ourselves to do things we hate or beat ourselves up for struggling with certain things. And we are told over and over again that working harder, not necessarily smarter, is the way to succeed. Culturally and socially, we are rarely encouraged to focus on what we do well, only told to improve on what we don’t do well. How demoralizing and depressing is that? And what a horrible way to live. What if instead, we accepted that we will never be good at ALL THE THINGS and just moved on? What if instead, we valued ourselves for what we are good at and worked on amplifying and leveraging our strengths? What if instead we accepted and honored who we are and let go of everything we aren't? I know it’s not always clear-cut, and we all have responsibilities and rules and pressures and financial realities to contend with. All I’m suggesting is that if we can do things a little bit easier, if we can spend more time leveraging our strengths, if we can try to design our lives to be a little truer to who we are, don’t we owe it to ourselves to do so? It can be baby steps (for me, that means writing more and not forcing myself to run… I hate running!). It can mean outsourcing or delegating some of the tedious admin tasks that suck the lifeblood from us. If can mean subscribing to a recipe box if you hate the question "what's for dinner" as much as I do! You don’t have to quit your job or move to an ashram or become an ascetic or start to meditate 12 hours a day. You just have to make decisions based on what is right for you and who you are, and then try to live in the world in a way that makes sense for you in every way possible. Delegate one thing that you hate doing at home and in your business. Stop thinking about topics that make you angry. Leave that WhatsApp group. Find one way to exercise that brings you joy instead of stuffing yourself into wedgie-inducing yoga pants just because someone else swears by the practice. Everything won’t suddenly be perfect and you won’t suddenly be pulled to new heights of success and fulfillment and self-actualization. But we can all take baby steps that compound over time and distance, and the more we do, and the more consistently we do it, the bigger the impact will be in honoring who we are. I was mercilessly decluttering the other day and was literally sighing with delight at all the clear surfaces and space all around me. I always feel calmer and more peaceful whenever I'm in bare but beautiful places, and the simple pleasure of creating that at home got me thinking about other simple pleasures - smells, sounds, lighting - that I associate with some of my happiest "happy places".
And it got me thinking that we've all had glimpses (hopefully more) of what it feels like to be in our happy place mentally, physically, and/or emotionally, but for some reason we don't usually stop to think about how and why those places are happy for us. I mean, when was the last time you tried to deconstruct your happy place experience? And more important, when was the last time you tried to re-create your happy place experience in even a small way? We are all affected by our physical environments. Without realizing it, the stresses around us, the energy around us, the people, and sounds, and smells around us all combine into one big experiential ball that affects our mood, our performance, our productivity, and our happiness. I've always known this about myself. I can feel myself tighten up when I walk into a soulless conference room, I can feel myself come alive when I'm in beautiful surroundings, I know I am more creative when I am somewhere with high ceilings and natural light, and I know which social circles make me feel invincible and which leave me flattened. I know these things because I pay attention to how I feel and how I perform. And that's why I think it's so important to curate our environments. This can be as simple as listening to relaxing music while you work at your desk, having a nice-smelling reed diffuser in your office, or using soft lighting instead of fluorescent bulbs. I do all of these things because I find spas really relaxing so why not make my working environment as spa-like as possible? It can also be as practical as turning off email alerts from your phone so you're not always feeling harried and "pinged", not watching the news if all it does is make you angry, or avoiding social events (yes, even online!) where you'll be around people who irritate or deflate you. Our social and mental environments can be curated too. The little changes can make a huge difference in how you feel AND how you perform. You know whether you are at your best in high-energy environments or more chilled ones. You know whether you nail presentations when wearing a power suit or wearing something a little less traditional but still professional. You know whether you exercise more effectively surrounded by the high-octane energy of a gym or running on a nature trail. Our minds are incredibly powerful and we pick up hundreds of subtle and subconscious cues from our surroundings. So by curating our environments, we give ourselves more chances to feel and do more of our best more of the time. It doesn't have to be a total overhaul, but we can all start with a small, simple change. And then another. And another. And over time and repetition, pretty soon we will have transformed our environments in ways that can transform our lives and our businesses as well. Sometimes it's the small things that can have the biggest impact. I don't know about you, but I have a complicated relationship with the word "nice" (and not in the way British people use it to refer to delicious food!). It doesn't mean that I go out of my way to be not nice, of course, it's just that too often the word (or its many synonyms) is used to emotionally blackmail women into being more accommodating or self-sacrificing than we ask men to be.
Just the other day I had a request come in from three different people who wanted to have a "quick chat"... for an HOUR each! When I responded - as I normally do to vague brain picking requests from total strangers - by asking them each to share the one or two specific topics they were interested in discussing OR to pay for my time - I got huffy replies with various versions of "but all I wanted was a friendly chat". Now, maybe it's just me, but I can't remember the last time I had an hour long conversation with an actual friend, much less a stranger who couldn't be bothered to specify what they wanted to talk about. And the responses I got seemed like emotional blackmail because in refusing the chat, was I refusing to be "friendly" as well? Now, getting three of these requests on the same day is pretty rare, but I could feel myself feeling the need to justify myself. To explain why it's important that I value my time, that I already give a generous number of hours of free mentoring away, that my filtering questions are a defense mechanism against askholes... But then I stopped. I realized that the only reason I felt the need to justify anything was because I didn't want these strangers to think that I wasn't "nice", or - more bluntly - that I was being a bi*ch. But how many men would feel the need to justify themselves for valuing their time and expertise? How many men would feel guilty for saying no to working for free? How many men would feel the pressure to be "nice" to total strangers who weren't even willing to answer a few questions? Now I know not everything is a "gender thing", but some things affect women more than men. The world at large still expects us to be accommodating, sacrificing, helpful, and "nice" far more than it expects this of men. But we don't have to be "nice girls". We are grown women who have limits on our time and our energy, and WE decide when that time and energy is invested in someone or something and when it isn't. Because at the end of the day, we should worry far more about how often we are "nice" to ourselves and what and who is important to us than we ever worry about being "nice" to anyone else. One of the things that I have focused on more this year is asking. I firmly believe "if you don't ask, you don't get", so I try to ask as much as possible. I don't expect to always (or ever) get what I want, but I know that life is a numbers game: the more you ask, the more you help your odds of getting.
And I am also on the receiving end of a lot of asking, from founders who want my time, expertise, or advice to organizations who want me to speak at their events or work with their team members. And what all of this asking so often reveals is that some people can be real askholes. And it's essential that we don't become one of them. Here's what I mean. When we ask something of someone and they take the time, effort, or mental energy to respond and help, we should then take the time, effort, or mental energy to act on what they have shared, or - at the very least! - say thank you. But you would be surprised by how many askers don't follow these basic courtesies. I have given hours of my time to people who have never said thank you. I have been vampired by information-seekers who suck my brain dry and then do nothing with the information. I have spoken at events and then heard nothing from the organizers. What askholes! So a word of caution: don't ever become or entertain askholes. If you ask someone for an introduction and you get the introduction, don't sit on it. Pick up the phone or send that email. And if you give someone an introduction, expect them to do the same. If you ask for advice and get it, don't simply throw it on the heap of things you know and never use. Apply it, filter it, reject it, or tell the advice-giver what you did/didn't do with what they shared. And if you take the time to offer advice to someone else (who has asked for it), expect them to do the same. If you ask a friend/a book/a community/the universe for some help, and you get the help, don't take it for granted. Say thank you and reciprocate if and when you can. And if someone asks you for help and you give it to them, expect them to say thank you and reciprocate if and when they can. We have all been ask-ers and ask-ees. We have all taken others' time, and given our own time. We have all helped and been helped. It's an inevitable part of being a founder and human. It is a great part of being a founder and human. And it is a powerful part of being a founder and human. But with great power comes great responsibility not to be, or let ourselves be abused by, askholes. I made a decision the other day. I was running around London (before the first in-person speaking event I've done in months!), dutifully wearing a mask, and found myself tutting silently or rolling my eyes at anyone who wasn't. I did it any time anyone came within less than 6 feet of me, any time someone didn't use hand gel at the entrance to a shop, and any time anyone behaved in a pre-COVID way. (You know, behaved normally?)
And then, quite suddenly and without any prompting, I stopped. And I made my decision: I was not going to live in fear of my fellow human beings, and I was not going to view every inanimate object or molecule of air as a potential disease-carrying-threat. I was done. Fear had taken up far too much space in my brain for far too long, and I was done. Yes, I would continue to follow the "rules" and be "sensible", but I wasn't going to live in judgment or fear while doing so. And then it got me thinking about a conversation I had just a few days ago with a new-found friend in Genoa. She was telling me about the work she and her partners do around helping women reclaim the space and energy normally given over to fear. And that got me thinking about just how much space and energy fear takes up in our lives. And how many things we do or not do on a daily basis because we are afraid (COVID aside). On any given day, how many of us don't send an email, make a phone call, or have a conversation because we're afraid of rejection or confrontation? How many of us don't put ourselves forward for an award/a promotion/an interview/insert-anything-here because we're afraid of what people will think of us? How many of us don't start working on our businesses because we're afraid of failure? How many of us keep working at jobs or playing a role that shrinks our souls because we're afraid of losing prestige in the eyes of others? Fear, fear, and more fear - big, small, existential, trivial - it follows us throughout our day. Every. Single. Day. But, my dear Entreprenoras, it doesn't have to be that way. We don't need to let fear boss us around. We can tell fear to shut the hell up and get the hell out. We can realize that fear isn't always protecting us (often just the opposite). And we can view fear for what it is (information) without presuming that the information is telling us to stop or stay small. When we decide against fear, that decision changes everything internally. And so often our fear is internally manufactured, anyway, not externally real (unless we're face-to-face with a tiger!). So the next time we find ourselves being/doing/saying something - or not - because of fear, let's stop. Let's take just one step closer to where we want to be instead of where our fear has told us to stay. Let's decide against fear and for ourselves. |
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