Rupal Y. Patel
|
The TED talk I delivered a few weeks ago is now live on YouTube! For anyone who has ever felt like an "outsider" or a "weirdo", this one's for you. There is power in not conforming and in being who you are. Watch the video below, and please share it with anyone who you think needs to hear the message. One of the things that comes up again and again in the work I do with leaders and ambitious doers is that so many of us get frustrated when our goals take longer to accomplish than we want them to (and they almost always take longer!). We tell ourselves it's not worth trying anymore, or beat ourselves up for not succeeding fast enough, or recalibrate our ambitions downward so achievement seems easier or more likely to come sooner.
But the thing that we all need to remember - and this is a hard truth to internalize - is that THERE IS NO RUSH. And the world has no stake at all in making our dreams a reality. So take some of the pressure off. Or take in these words: "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." The time will pass anyway. The time will pass anyway... The reason I share this quote is because it is just so obviously true. There are so many things about which we tell ourselves "Oh, it would take forever to do that or build that or achieve that. What's the point in trying?" Well, the point is: the time will pass anyway. So why not fill it with trying, fill it with failing, fill it with taking mini steps towards a big dream or a big goal, fill it with doing things that stretch you or scare you or grow you. Sure, we might not get there - wherever "there" is. But you know what? The time is going to pass whether we sit on our asses and agonize about the things that won't happen or whether we get out there and make things happen in whatever ways we can. And you know what else? Even if we don't get "there", at least we'll have some great stories to share and battle wounds to show off. Life would be so boring if we played it safe all the time, so why not just get out there and see what might be possible? Everyone starts from no where, as a "no one". Even Oprah started out as "just some girl from Mississippi." And how much sadder and worse off would the world be if she had held herself back by thinking "who am I to be someone" (and given where she was starting from, she had a lot more social and personal and economic reasons to think that way than many of us do). I'm not saying we all need to go out and become Oprah. All I'm saying is that the time will pass anyway, so we should go out there and do our own thing. Make stuff happen. Build our businesses. Send that first (or fiftieth) email. Ask for what we want. Put ourselves on stage. Whatever it is. Why not you? Why not each one us? The time will pass anyway. "Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays..."
For those of you who haven't seen the movie Office Space, that's a quote early in the film, where the secretary is needling the main character for not being chirpier as he comes into the office. He has just battled stop-and-go traffic, ducked-and-dived to avoid seeing his slimy boss, and skulked into his cubicle only to be aurally abused by the sound of a colleague on the phone. (It's a hysterical film, and I highly recommend it for some silly late-winter fun.) I love that quote because it captures so succinctly the feeling that so many of us have at the beginning of the week (or sometimes throughout the whole week!). We are all so over-committed, and over-to-do'ed, and overwhelmed, that it's easy to be consumed with unceasing dread about all the stuff we have to do... Now some, maybe all, of us have felt like that little kid above... maybe we're feeling like that right now. I know that "ugh" feeling, and it can be palpable. But one of the magic tricks that I picked up years ago that has helped me cope better with that "ugh" feeling is this: reframing all of the things I feel I have to do, into things that I get to do. It's a small mental shift but can have a powerful effect on how we perceive the day and week and tasks ahead. It reminds us that we are lucky, even if only in a small way, to have the opportunity and the ability to do the things we do. I don't have to review my P&Ls, I get to review them because I am in the happy position of being a CEO of two successful business and have a powerful brain that enables me to decipher numbers. I don't have to take my daughters to nursery, I get to take them there because I am the lucky parent of two amazing children and have a healthy, functioning body that enables me to walk fast while pushing a stroller. I don't have to get back in touch with a client, I get to email them because I have worked hard to develop a strong reputation, and people trust and want to work with me. Do you see how the energy changes almost immediately? Very quickly we can go from feeling put upon and burdened to feeling lucky and energized. That's the power of what we "get" to do. Now I know this may not work every time, and there are many, many things that just have to be endured (life's not about being in our "happy place" all the time). BUT, if we can change the way we feel about what's ahead of us, even just a little bit, it makes that thing just a little bit easier. Little shifts, little energy boosts, little mental reframings. They all add up over the course of a day, a week, a lifetime, and can help us to become do-ers instead of complainers, and to feel activated (maybe even a bit excited?) instead of deadened. So the next time we catch ourselves dragging our feet, hitting the snooze, moaning about what we have to do, let's remind ourselves that we get to do it, too. And not everyone is so lucky. I have a confession to make: pretty much every time I complete a project or achieve a goal or do something that feels big, I am tempted to celebrate. I have always loved the idea of celebrating success and am always eager to let myself in on the celebration-action.
My celebration-temptations have often been something I can buy - a book, a new dress, a massage - and my thinking would go something like: “Every time I read/wear/relive this, I’ll remember how hard I worked to earn it!” But the flaw in this way of celebrating would hit me not too soon after the book hit my doorstep/the dress arrived/the massage was over. It's not that I didn't like the book/dress/massage. And it's not that I didn't enjoy reading/wearing/experiencing it. It’s just that owning or having it never felt like as much of a celebration as those few seconds of buying it. My point here isn’t about buyer’s remorse. It’s about the false emotional weight we give to things, and our own self-serving ideas of what we do – or don’t – “deserve.” I know this is a tricky balance. We don’t want to be misers, and we shouldn’t be cheap with ourselves. But there is a slippery slope we start sliding down when we begin to link achieving and getting. When we start to expect prizes with milestones. When we fill our baskets every time we fill our quotas. (When we start to walk dangerously close to the edge of becoming entitled little you-know-whats, basically…) Now, I’ve always been pretty good about money. I don’t spend extravagantly (unless it’s on good quality produce or coffee… what I ingest literally becomes a part of my body, so I think it’s worth the extra investment) and I am always vaguely aware of my future old-age so don’t want to be debt-laden or dependent. (It all adds up, and we can start from wherever we are and need to protect what we already have.) BUT, there is also a sleeping consumerist in me that I have to keep on a leash because I love pretty things and good design in all its forms. And I have to keep myself from using my success as an excuse to unleash that beast. Because it’s never about the thing, is it? It’s about what the thing symbolizes. (Even Olympic medals aren’t prized for the thing, the medal. The gold in a gold medal is only worth $500-$600 which isn't exactly what athletes spend their lives training for. It’s what the medal symbolizes - ie being the best on that day - that they care about). And because things are used as symbols, we get to choose what they symbolize. We get to choose what things mean to us. This is not a light responsibility. So what do we do? Well, what we started to do over here at Patel-Brown HQ is keep it simple. We treat ourselves most of the time by not being hyper-consumers, but by truly enjoying the little things: takeaway from Nandos, a cheeky mid-week visit to the cinema, drinking Tesco pineapple juice in our best wine glasses – clink! – on the swing seats on our balcony. Because it’s never about the thing. It’s about the emotion and the memory, and being adult enough to know that what we buy doesn’t in any way reflect our worth or ability or success so much as it can showcase our insecurities and need for external validation. This is a bit of a tough-love message because I see so many people squander their wealth in celebration of it (and I am still tempted every now and then to do so too!). But that’s not very adult of us, now is it? So on this late-February morning, let’s start recognizing things for what they are. Let’s try to take joy in the “small” things (because in the end, the small things are often the "big" things really…) And let's remember that the goal isn't really the goal anyway. So instead of celebrating the result, maybe we celebrate the process, celebrate ourselves for sticking with the process, and let that be enough. Let who we are becoming on our way to achievement and success – without any bells or gifts or parades or stuff – be enough. Like some of you perhaps, I have a complicated relationship with exercise: I love doing it, but I hate getting started (it really is true for me that the hardest part is showing up). So this year, I set myself a challenge to exercise/move with intention five days a week, and I am pleased to say that I am now into a six-week streak of - you guessed it - exercising five days a week.
So how did I trick myself into doing it? (Because I did have to trick myself, make no mistake about that...) Well, I stopped fighting myself, and decided to make exercise easy. Instead of hyping myself up to go to the gym for epic all-or-nothing two-hour sweat fests, or talking myself down when I inevitably missed the mark, I exercise most days at home using free videos on YouTube, do one run a week, and one chin up session at the gym. That's it. (PS - I can out chinup most of the brawny guys at my gym, so take that!) Am I going to beat any world records this way? Hell no. But that's not the point. The point is that I am doing just enough to stay fit so I can clear my head of all the drama and angst around working out and focus all that mental energy on my two main priorities instead: my work and my family. Or to put it another way, I am taking the heptathlete approach to life: being the best I can be at a chosen few things, and being just good enough at everything else. Because that is what life requires: acknowledged and intentional tradeoffs, not all-or-nothing chest thumping bravado or obsessive obsessions with "balancing" everything perfectly. Because there is no balance. Only choice. And you have to choose what very few precious things will get all of you, and decide that all of the everything else will have to settle for good enough. Reality. Harmony. Sanity. Not so-called balance. Or, as I like to put it: enlightened swagger, instead of just swagger. In these early months of any new year, many of us are often thinking about goals and targets and ambitions for the months ahead. And as someone who got switched on to goal-setting and planning relatively late in life (in my early 30s), I have gained a lot of trial-and-error/trial-and-success experience with accomplishing goals.
In the past few years, I ticked off two of my biggest "bucket list" goals (publishing a best-seller and being invited to give a TED talk), hit a massive business target, and got some high-profile PR coverage, so I have some recent data on what happens when you finally accomplish the thing - or things - you've been wanting to accomplish for a long time. But let's start with what doesn't happen when you accomplish a goal: The heavens don't suddenly open up and rain down good fortune, everything you touch doesn't automatically turn to gold, clients/investors/potential-partners who once rejected you don't come begging on their knees to win you over, your poop doesn't start to smell like roses, all of your health/wealth/relationship problems don't disappear, happiness and fulfilment don't come streaming through your door on a daily basis, you don't achieve overnight stardom/wealth/wisdom/popularity/etc. And - to put it quite simply - everything you built up in your mind about what it would mean to be an author/on the cover of a magazine/on a TED stage/etc doesn't match up with reality. Or to put it even simply-er: your life doesn't change very much at all. So why bother achieving anything? Because here's what does happen: you become better, smarter, stronger. You learn how to push yourself, you dust yourself off after the nineteenth rejection and get back out there, you stay in the game, you learn what you are made of, you learn what you are not made of (and this is okay, essential even, to any success), you learn who your friends are, you realize that the things you thought you wanted might not be the be all end all of your existence, you learn new skills, you encounter and overcome new challenges, you find a way through the deepest and darkest parts of yourself, you learn, you grow, and you learn and you grow some more. And sometimes - only sometimes - the wealth/fame/fortune/popularity/begging from those who previously turned you away/feeling of being on top of the world does come along with your accomplishments. But not always. And it doesn't always stick around. So don't choose your goals based on what you think the outcome will be; choose your goals for what they will make of you to achieve them. Or to put it another way: the goal isn't really the goal. Who you become along the way is. Last week I shared with you my top tips for Capturing Your Year, and promised to share with you my biggest lessons learned as I capture mine. So without further ado, here we go:
1 - It takes ten years to become an "overnight" success. This year was a mega year for me: I published a book (which quickly became a global best-seller!), I spoke at 47 different events, was flown to 9 different countries, was a guest on 20 different podcasts, delivered projects for some of the world's biggest brands, and was on the cover of a magazine. But behind all of this seemingly-sudden success were years and years and years and YEARS of groundwork. Of doing free speaking events before I got paid for them. Of pitching myself before clients started coming to me. Of writing for the love and joy of it before getting a book deal. And while I am so much closer now to making the positive impact and having the reach that I want to make and have, I am still not totally there. But I know there is no fast track. There is no "overnight" success. There is always work to be done. And I have to keep doing the doing, event when the results feel elusive. Because success takes time. And it takes its own time. 2 - Managing our emotions is one of the hardest and most essential skills to master. During this very big year, I've had really high highs and really low lows. There have been heart-shredding tragedies, spirit-soaring achievements, and every accompanying emotion between those two extremes. And while I usually see it as an asset that I feel the feels so intensely, it can also be exhausting. And every human being I have worked with struggles with this too. Managing our emotions - our fire, our intensity - is hard. But we have to do it. Because our emotions don't always serve us. They are often a habitual reaction instead of a considered response; an animal brain instinct instead of human brain thoughtfulness; an ego-savior, instead of achievement-enabler. And for me, managing them takes practice (and a commitment to doing things like taking deep breaths in the moment, building in ample alone time, focusing on what I can control instead of obsessing over all the annoying/stupid/ridiculous/slow/illogical/unjust/maddening things I can't). If we don't learn to manage our emotions they will, of course, manage us. 3 - Don't wait for a vacation to recharge. As you've probably guessed, I am a high-energy, high-intensity person. When I am "on", I am on. And my work requires me to be "on" quite a lot: I help organizations solve big problems, I mentor leaders, I speak in front of audiences. (And some days, I solve big problems, mentor leaders, and speak in front of audiences and then whiplash into parent-mode without a spare minute to pee or inhale a Snickers!) But the only way I can sustain my pace is because I build in time to refill my batteries regularly throughout the day, instead of trying to cram it all into a vacation. My form of recharging can be anything from watching some silly TV (Ghosts is a recent frivolous favouite), running an errand, ordering takeaway for lunch, or simply reading a book late into the night so the only person I am "on" for is myself. Because if I don't remember to recharge, my body will finds ways to remind me: I'll get a sore throat, my joints will start to hurt, my neck will get tight, and no number of massages will be able to work out the Gordian knots in my shoulders. So don't wait for the knots (I have to remind myself... and maybe you too?). Take 10 minutes (or 30 or 90...), and recharge now. However you can. I'll be back next week with my next installment of Lessons Learned in 2022, so watch this space. I don't know about you, but I love this time of year. For me, it's a time for reflection and review and recalibration, and that’s why this week I wanted to share with you one of the most valuable tools from my personal tradecraft toolkit: Capturing Your Year.
Now, I hear so many people talk about their year like it ran away from them or that it felt like a “throw away” year. But even when the pace of life feels relentless, we grow and change and make progress. It’s just that we're not used to registering that growth or change or progress concretely. And what a waste that is. What a waste to look at a day, a week, a month, a year and think “I’m glad that’s over” or "There's so much still left to do" or "Where the heck did the time go". But instead of despairing or wondering, here's what you can do instead: 1 - Block out a 60-120 minute chunk of time in your calendar before the end of the year where you can be distraction-free and interruption free. Go somewhere quiet, peaceful, and enjoyable, and bring a journal or a pad of paper (or computer) with you. 2 - Review your calendar. Literally look at every single day from 1 January to now and look at all the meetings you had, appointments you made, people you met with, webinars you attended, events you went to, vacations you took, conferences you participated in, projects you started, etc, and start mentally reliving some of those moments. This will: a) remind you of just how-damned-much you did this year, and b) start to prompt your brain for what comes next. 3 - Capture your biggest lessons learned, mistakes made, and successes achieved. Write it all down in as much detail as possible and sit and reflect. Let the successes sink in. Let the accomplishments and holidays and all the FUN things you did sink in. And let the mistakes and the lessons you learned from making them sink in, too. 4 - Distill the above into your “Top Lessons Learned” (ideally 10-15). And think about any changes you want/need to make in your work, life, relationships, health, etc that will make it harder for you to repeat any mistakes and easier for you to move forward better, smarter, stronger. 5 - Make concrete plans. If any of those changes require other people’s input (in your business, say), or if there is anything you need to eliminate or adapt or add (a new gym membership, for example), then PLAN IT INTO YOUR CALENDAR and think about how you will integrate your lessons learned in the year to come. 6 - And finally, if you are feeling generous, share your list. You can share it with friends, family, co-workers, or just a trusted friend. But I find that by sharing our lessons, we relearn them and they get embedded that much deeper. It’s also a really nice way to make sure that others around us can learn from our experiences, good and not-so-good. 7 - Repeat each year! I have done this exercise every year for almost a decade, and each time I do it, I am forced to to confront hard facts (instead of my unreliable memory) and am reminded of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned, how much I’ve grown, and how much I’ve done. In one short year. Our memories are painfully inadequate at remembering things accurately, and too often we think a year (month/week/day) was a “waste” when a Capture Your Year exercise proves it was anything but. So don’t rely on your memory. Join me this December as I sit down to capture the year, crystalize key lessons and takeaways, and embed the lessons into next year. I’ll be sharing my Lessons Learned with you starting next week, so stay tuned! "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..."
Ahhh, the Perfectionist's Creed. I love these words because I can predict with almost 100%-accuracy how many leaders and entrepreneurs and high-achievers and change-makers (like you!) have them playing in a loop in their heads pretty much all day long. (I know I would need to call on some high-order math if I wanted to count the number of times I've said or thought that.) No one can close a sale as effectively as I can. No one can negotiate as well as I can. No one can market as well as I can. No one can pitch as well as I can. And you know what else? No one can make doctor's appointments for our family as well as I can. No one can order groceries as well as I can. No one can tidy up as well as I can. And no one can take out the rubbish as well as I can, either! Isn't it amazing that I can do so many varied tasks better than any other of the 8-billion-plus humans who live on this planet or the few hundred thousand who live in my immediate vicinity or the tens of thousands who specialise in each one of these discreet tasks, or the other adults in my family? Gosh, I really must be amazing! Right? Now hopefully you see what I'm doing here. Hopefully you've had a little chuckle while reading the preceding lines not just because of how ridiculous they are when you see them written down but because maybe you recognize some of that silliness in your own way of thinking. I get it. We love to be in control. We love to get things done. We love having things done our way. And we are really, really, really good at some things, maybe even a lot of things. But perfect at all things? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more I hear it from my clients, and the more I try to train myself out of it, the more I see self-proclaimed perfectionism as something quite different: laziness and anxiety in disguise. Let me explain. First of all, I think we can agree that doing anything "perfectly" is basically impossible because "perfect" is subjective. What I think is perfect, others might think sucks, and what they think is perfect, I might find seriously flawed. Perfect is a standard that we define and our definition will inevitably be different to someone else's. Secondly, perfectionism is often used as an excuse for not doing something - "Oh, that website, will never be as perfect as I want it to be, so I may as well not build it"; "My business will never be as big as I want it to be, so I'm not going to start it"; "This marketing campaign will never capture everything I want to convey, so why bother planning it" - OR perfectionism is used as an excuse to keep doing everything yourself because you can't be bothered to TRY to delegate to someone else or TRY to find someone who might be able to do it at least as well as (or maybe even better than... gasp!) as you can or TRY to have a difficult conversation with a colleague or a partner about how they can contribute or improve. Perfectionism maintains the status quo - you either don't do something or you keep doing everything - and the status quo is, well, lazy. And perfectionism keeps you from addressing your (often baseless) anxieties. "It has to be perfect or people will never buy it"; "No one will execute my vision as perfectly as I can"; "If I don't do it, it won't ever get done"; etc, etc, etc. Do you see how these perfectionist anxieties can hold you and your life/career/relationships/health/everything back? Do you think Richard Branson comes up with new business ideas AND does the marketing plan AND does the pricing AND chooses the words for each ad AND makes the coffee? No! Do you think Sara Blakely turned her product into a billion-dollar business by sewing each item of Spanx herself AND building her website AND shipping her products AND ordering the paper clips for the office? Hell no! So why do we? Why do we think we can grow a business or a career or a life while doing everything ourselves? Why do we hold ourselves back by deluding ourselves that we are the exception to every rule of success - and sanity! (delegate, leverage, focus on what you're good at, test and iterate...)? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we being lazy? Are we really perfectionists? Or are we just anxious? Done is better than perfect. Trying is better than worrying. An imperfect reality is better than a perfect theory. Get something out there and improve, iterate, and - dare I say it! - perfect it, later. Many years ago, I was chatting with one of my cousins when she casually mentioned that I was one of her role models, and that I had been for a long time. I was flattered and floored in equal measure because I had no idea that this cousin was paying attention to me at all.
Fast forward to earlier this year and I'm sitting at my computer about to be interviewed by a podcaster who has millions of followers, a massive profile, and is smart and gorgeous to boot. As I'm mentally rehearsing what I'm going to say and reminding myself to play it cool, she bursts onto screen and immediately launches into a monologue about how she loves my work and has been following me for months, and how my book is the first business/smart-thinking book written by a woman that she can relate to, and how she loves my voice, and on and on and on, leaving me open-jawed, and yes, flattered and floored in equal measure. And the reason I'm sharing this with you is because in both scenarios I had no idea that either of these amazing humans knew anything about me at all. Like many of us, I had assumed that I had all the information, that I knew everyone who was "watching" me, that I knew everyone who admired me, and that I knew (or could measure) the impact I was having. But that's never the case. For any of us. We can never know the impact we have on others because they won't always tell us. We can never know what our legacy will be because we can't keep count of all the ripples we create each day by being who we are. We can never know how many people are watching us because we don't always notice. Whether we know it or not, someone is always watching, someone is always paying attention, and someone is always admiring. Whether we know it or not. So stop waiting for feedback that may never come. Stop waiting for your cousin - real or metaphorical - to tell you, or a famous podcaster - real or metaphorical - to gush about you. Just keep doing your thing, shining the way you shine, so that you can be the person your admirers are looking for whenever they finally find you. A few weeks ago, I shared some ideas for how all of us can increase our income in small but immediate ways, and this week I'd like to talk about wealth.
You see, one of the main misconceptions about wealth is that you can tell who is wealthy: the rich look rich and act rich and live where you think they would live (Kensington, Bel Air, Central Park West). But the reality couldn't be further from that perception. The vast majority of America's millionaires (people with NET wealth of $1 million+) live, well, next door, in middle-class or sometimes working-class neighborhoods. They drive Fords, wear Timex or Seiko watches (I love Seikos!), and have a net wealth that they could live off of for more than 10 years without doing anything. They prioritize financial freedom over conspicuous consumption and live well below their means. And you know what else? The people we think are wealthy because of what they wear or drive or earn are often as likely to be living paycheck to paycheck as their lower-earning counterparts. A big income means nothing for wealth if you spend what you earn, as so many people do. So why am I sharing this? Well, one of the reasons is that wealth is something that so many of us strive for. Some of us may have started our businesses or chosen our career paths to become wealthy and financially independent (PSA: and that's ok! Money isn't evil... what people do for it and with it can be, but money is just an object). But sometimes it's easy to forget that we can build wealth now, from where we already are, if we are willing to do what the unseen majority of millionaires do: spend less than we earn, not increase our liabilities even when our assets increase, and have a wealth building plan that isn't over-reliant on any one asset class. We can do all of this whether we are in the early stages of our careers or are already 9-figure unicorns and CEOs. And the other reason I think it's important to know about the millionaires next door is so we can burst any bubbles about who we need to become to "look the part" of being rich. Because the thing is, we don't have to change anything. We can all become millionaires from where we are, living in the same house, wearing the same mix of fast fashion and high fashion (or no fashion!), and cruising in our 2002 Honda Accord if we want to be. We don't have to eat at Michelin-starred restaurants, know a lot about wine, summer in the Hamptons, wear designers clothes, or "act rich" in any of the ways Hollywood and society tells us rich people act. In order to be wealthy, to become millionaires - or multi-millionaires - we don't have to change, but our habits do. Many years ago, I met an early-stage business owner who was quite literally working himself into a heart attack and seeing nothing of his family because - as he put it - "I want to build a legacy for my family."
And it hit me then, and it hits me now, as I see so many others make this same mistake. That is: ignoring the very people or things they care about, while telling themselves what they are doing is for those people or those things. And I get it. As humans with drive and vision and ambition, we want to build and grow and change the world. And through all that building and growing and world-changing, we can lose daily sight of what is important forever, and what we have right now. We can forget to enjoy our snippets of free time while we work hard to buy back our time. We can squander precious opportunities to be present with loved ones in our pursuit to build a legacy for them. We can forget who we are doing all this for - or why we are doing it - while they, or it, are right in front of us. Getting the balance right, however we define "right", can be a struggle. There are always trade-offs to make and priorities to juggle in the precious minutes we get each day. But in our frenzied minds and hectic days, let's remember that we can be content with what we have, without being complacent about what we still want. And let's remember who or what we are doing all this growing and building and achieving for. And protect and cherish it along the way. Last week I hit a major milestone towards a physical goal I'd set for myself this year: I did six chin-ups in a row without stopping (my goal is to get to seven... so close!). And after I hit six, my first reaction was "Yes!!! I just reached a personal best." But hot on the heels of my mini-celebration came a second thought: "But I didn't fully extend each time, so it doesn't really count."
And as I finished that thought, I had to check myself. Because - perhaps like many people - more often than I'd like, I find myself qualifying my achievements instead of owning them. You might find you do this too. Someone will tell you what a great job you did on something and you'll immediately reply "Ugh, but I was so nervous" or "But I totally messed up on that one part..." Or you might hit a financial target but then tell yourself "It doesn't really count because it's turnover, not profit" or "It's already earmarked for that new project, so nets out..." And while we may not have extended all the way down, or did mess up a bit, or did "just" increase our turnover instead of our profit, the success still counts. Of course it does. But by continually qualifying or minimizing or discounting our achievements, we qualify and minimize and discount ourselves. We tell ourselves we are not enough. That nothing we do will ever be enough (and do we really need another voice giving us that message?!). And that constant feeling of lack, of not "really" measuring up is toxic. To our goals, our ambitions, and to every cell of our being. And we need to cut that shit out. So the next time you find yourself rushing to take your successes away from yourself, check yourself and then correct yourself. Yes, there is always more work to do and maybe something you could have done better. But remember: six is six, great is great, and enough is enough. You did it. Now own it. Amidst the broader social conversations happening recently around access and autonomy and power and privilege, one of the things that has galled me most is that too many of us are still having to ask for permission to access the illusory "level playing field" and "equal protection" others enjoy implicitly.
For women especially, pay gaps, VC funding patterns, systemic biases, and a whole matrix of external structures keep us persistently under-represented in positions of power and keep us poorer than men (even something as seemingly unrelated as access to abortions impacts women's lifetime earning prospects and risks of falling into poverty). The statistics are depressing and universal, and all of the unpaid work women do robs us further of our potential wealth and influence. But we can all do something about this. From demanding what we are worth at work and at home, to advocating for others, to paying ourselves properly from our businesses, the work starts with each of us. With getting actual cash and investing in ourselves. And with using the voices and values we have to push back and build up when everything around us seems to be pulling apart and falling down. There are a few simple things we can do right now to give ourselves more money and therefore more options and more of a say:
My dear readers, the world already de-prioritizes women and minimizes our worth, but we shouldn't do that to ourselves or let that happen to the women around us. Let's have those difficult money conversations with co-founders or partners or suppliers, let's plan for our financial futures, let's learn what we need to learn, and let's start building our financial fortresses so that no one can ever, ever pull us down. The world needs more good people to control more wealth. Money isn't the answer to everything, of course, but having more control over more of it gives us all the freedom to do more of the good we want to do in the world and in our lives, and for the issues and causes we care about. So let's stop with the status quo. Let's start paying ourselves and owning our worth. And let's start now. Cha. Ching. Back in the early days of starting my first business, I had some pretty ugly moments. I would find myself looking around at the other founders I knew and wishing for a piece of their action. There always seemed to be someone else doing more, making more, and achieving more than I was. And when I wasn't careful, those comparisons would deflate me and cause me to wonder if I should just give up and throw in the towel.
Maybe you've felt that way, too. Maybe you've watched friends, colleagues, family members, someone else do something you've wanted to do and hated them for it. Or maybe in the face of their success you've criticized the trade-offs they had to make along the way ("I would never give up my social life like they have..."). Or maybe you've just cursed your own "bad luck" and left it at that. Believe me, I get it. Achieving things is hard. Succeeding at things we care about is hard. And when you're climbing a hill, it's so easy to look at others and think of how much easier/better/luckier they have it, and then to want some of that for yourself. And despite the fact that it's pretty universal, we're never taught how to treat our comparisonitis. We're never given the tools to manage our envy responsibly. But like so many things in life, envy doesn't have to be bad. It's just a feeling. A signal. And it's what we do with that feeling or signal that makes it "good" or "bad." When I found myself in my envious-woes all those years ago, my partner said to me: "It's normal to be jealous. But what can you learn from other people's successes that will help you create your own?" And just like that, I was given a formula to turn something potentially ugly and destructive (envy) into something productive and helpful (ideas/stimuli for progress). Jealousy is okay. But we don't have to wallow in despair and self-pity when we see others being successful. We don't have to see their success as a reason to give up on our own. (There is enough success out there for all of us.) We don't have to quit just because someone else already did what we want to do. And we don't have to stop just because someone else is ahead of us. We can choose to be inspired instead of jealous. We can choose to open up instead of shut down. We can choose to see a role model instead of a rival. And, most important, we can choose to use our envy to fuel us and drive us instead of stopping us in our tracks. It's not easy, but it can be simple. We can use our envy for good. Enlightened swagger (n) - a Rupal-ism that describes the process of internalizing that anything is possible for you (the swagger) while owning the truth that being who you are and owning who that is doesn’t have to be an in-your-face endeavour (the enlightened part)
There's so much noise and conflicting input we all pick up over the course of ours lives about what we "should" do, what we "should" be, what we "should" have, and how long it "should" take to get it, and if we never stop to unpack those "shoulds" we can suffer the indignity of should-ing all over ourselves! So, before you go into auto-pilot or dive headfirst into the day or week ahead, give yourself the gift of a few minutes to yourself, by yourself, and reflect on one really important goal or ambition you've set for yourself. And then - and here's the hard part - make a plan for how you will go for it in your way, on your terms and with your values as a compass. How you will make it what you want without a sideways glance at what it ‘should’ look like. Or - to put it more simply - take your enlightened swagger for a stroll, and bring that cool-as-a-cucumber badass out of the shadows and into the world. People often ask me about the things I learned at the CIA that I bring into my role as a CEO and advisor to other executives, and one of the most valuable lessons is this: a deeply-ingrained awareness that there is always so much we don't know.
You see, at the Agency, we'd often get pilloried in the press for perceived failures and balls seemingly dropped. And we could never defend ourselves - or shout about our victories - because our work is classified. We had to let the press and the public believe their version of the "truth" because we couldn't counter it with our classified facts. And we had to celebrate our wins in the shadows. And what that taught me about being a leader is that no matter how good, how thorough, how much we think we know, there is always, always, ALWAYS something hidden from us (even if it's not classified). And because that is true, we have to remain mentally humble and open to being disproven. We have to become learning leaders who acknowledge that we don't know everything. And we have to accept that sometimes our version of the "truth" may be seriously flawed because of all the facts we don't have access to. But instead of feeling despaired by this, we can turn all that we don't know into a source of strength. We can recognize that good ideas can come from somewhere else. We can recognize we don't need to have all the answers. We can recognize that the unknowns can be a source of power if we let it be. Because instead of pretending we are omniscient, we can invite others to correct us, challenge us, or simply expand us by all that they know that we don't. And we can become better, smarter, stronger in the process. It's so tempting to think our power has to come from being all-knowing; but real power comes from accepting that we don't and then training ourselves to become all-growing instead. Almost a decade ago, I was having lunch with a dear friend and we were half-laughing, half-crying about our inner nerds. I was bemoaning my need for “gold stars,” and it was then that my friend said what has stayed with me all these years: “I get it dude, it’s your Lisa Simpson complex. I’m the same.”
Now for the unfamiliar, Lisa Simpson is a cartoon character who is endearingly obsessed with perfection and good grades, with being the archetypal “good girl.” And my friend’s comment has stayed with me all these years because elements of my “Lisa Simpson complex” still infect so many big and small aspects of my life, and it’s something I have to work hard to keep in check. (But her comment also reassured me that there are other “Lisas” out there… maybe you’re one too!) Now, part of me is proud to be meticulous and painstaking about things that are important to me (good grammar, ordered P&Ls, folding my clothes just-so… you have to have standards, so they may as well be good ones!), but part of me also recognizes that there’s a reason “pain” is 36% of the word “painstaking,” because too much Lisa Simpson is no good. It is painful. And it can be destructive. And it can give too much power to people or things outside our control. And it is only with a lot of practice and the perspective that comes with time (I won’t say “age” just yet) that I have finally started letting go just a little bit of my once-near-obsession with getting gold stars and being “perfect” in all aspects of my life. I know I will never NOT care what other people think of me, but I have started to be selective about whose opinion I DO care about (Are they qualified to have an opinion? Have they been in the ring themselves? Or are they just haters raining down popcorn and peanuts from the cheap seats?). I know I will always want some actual or symbolic gold stars, but I have started getting better at giving them to myself. I know there will be times when I look at my businesses or look in the mirror and only see the things that need “fixing,” but I have started getting better at focusing on what is amazing and beautiful, too. As high-achievers, I think sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone and to do it all perfectly, often by a standard of perfection or performance that someone else has given to us. And I get it. Wanting to be “the best” is hardwired into my DNA. One of my favorite stories about my mom goes something like this: When she was around 8 or 9, she came home from school bawling her eyes out, shaking with sadness. Her grandfather — my great-grandfather — rushed out of the house terrified by her distress, and asked her what was wrong. Through sobs and snot, she told him it was because — wait for it…. — she had gotten a 98 out of 100 on her exam! And even as I type this I am smile-crying because god, do I understand her despair. I wish I could transport through time and give the 8-year-old version of my mom a massive hug for feeling those two points so deeply… My friends, this stuff is hard. Being a leader is hard. Achieving big things is hard. Being a human is hard. Having high standards is hard. But it is also sometimes — maybe more of the times than we realize — made harder by our own doing, by that self-imposed soundtrack nattering in our ears making us forget that a perfect score isn’t the goal, and that what we are doing or have already done is pretty damned great if we would just allow ourselves to see the damned greatness. So, all I’d like to suggest is that from time to time, we let go of those two points and turn the perfection soundtrack off. That we give ourselves credit for how many points we DID get, how many new customers we DID get, how many milestones we HAVE achieved, and to focus less on how far there is still to go. For me and so many us, the trick, the work, is finding the elusive sweet spot between striving and accepting: striving for more and better while accepting where, and who, we currently are. It’s not about becoming complacent, it’s about recognizing that sometimes, even when we do our best, all we’ll get is a painful 98% and a tearful walk home, but our grandfathers will still be there to hug us, and we’ll still go on to have amazing lives full of inner and outer achievements, and maybe one day, sixty years into the future, we’ll have daughters (literal or figurative) who write lovingly about us and admire us for all the times we chose not to give up, not to stop, not to throw everything away even when we were less than perfect. And it’s about recognizing — as my great-grandfather said to my mother all those years ago — that sometimes those two points aren’t ours to have, anyway. Sometimes 98 is our perfect score. And that really is perfect enough. I was at the gym yesterday morning and finally made my way upstairs to the weight machines after a multi-year hiatus. It's not that I had stopped exercising, just that weights had taken a back seat for a while.
So I tentatively sat down at the leg press and loaded it up with 70 lbs. Too easy. So I upped it to 100 lbs and felt pretty impressed with myself. Still too easy. So I added 15 lbs. And finally started breaking a sweat. (Don't worry I'm very quickly getting to my point!) But then I thought to myself If I do three fewer reps, could I add another 15 lbs? (total load now 130 lbs)... and the answer was yes. Yes I could. For the first time in my life, I leg pressed 130 lbs. (Go me!) And the reason I'm sharing this with you - here's the point, you see - is that too often we give something our best and assume that's all we can do, that we've maxed out our capacity. But that's not true. Sure, it might be the best we can do in that moment, but if we rest, say, or come back later or work on our form (or do fewer reps), we can often do more. And then a little more. And then a little more. And suddenly what we once thought of as our best - what we once had plateaued at - is exposed for what it was: our baseline, but not our total capacity or our total potential. The amazing thing us humans is that we can get better. Our best can be better. Our last year's pinnacle can be this year's starting point. So the next time you give something your all, celebrate that sure, but don't get too comfortable. Know that you can be more, do more, have more, or achieve more if you want to. Your best today, doesn't have to be your best tomorrow. Your best is not your full potential. So why not acknowledge that from time to time... and then try to find out what your full potential really is? I'd love to cheer you along as you explore, but more importantly, I'd love to hear how much higher and further you've led yourself once you've recognized that your best is not nearly all you can do. When I was starting my first business ten years ago, my partner and I held a board meeting and set out targets for the year ahead and the ten years ahead. We decided that in our first year we wanted to acquire ten properties, and that in ten years we wanted a portfolio valued at £10 million.
They were nice round numbers with an element of symmetry ("10 in 10"), they were big goals, and they were goals that terrified and energized in equal measure. We didn't obsess too much about the "how", but armed with the "what", we started on our way, steeped in the faith that we'd get started with what we had and figure things out - and learn and adjust and plan and tweak - along the way. And exactly ten years later, our portfolio value is £9.81 million. (Yes, for the accountants among you, I know this is a bit "short" of £10m, but I used conservative values, so I say close enough!) And the reason I am sharing this with you is because I want you to know that whatever your biggest, scariest goal is, you can achieve it too. Of course you can. But you have to get started, and there are a few simple things I learned on my road to ten million that can help you too: 1) Go slow to grow fast - Remember that Year 1 target we had of buying 10x properties. Wellllll... our grand total at the end of that year was closer to - wait for it... - two. Yes two. But instead of throwing in the towel and wallowing in despair, we kept going. Because we acknowledged that... 2) ...Success takes its own time - And all deadlines are basically arbitrary. For the sake of our egos we like to achieve in "impressive" soundbites ("10 properties in one year!"), but reality has no stake in conforming to our timelines. Things take time. And sometimes they take their own time. 3) Persist and learn... and stop watching the clock - Because things take their own time, and because sometimes the "how" can seem a bit out of reach, it's important to persist and learn along the way. Too many people give up inches (or months or days or a few short years) from achieving what they want to achieve. And there were many, many, MANY times I wanted to quit and give up and throw my hands up in defeat. But after some time-bound wallowing, I dusted myself off, learned, got smarter, asked for help, and kept going. And I reminded myself that we should - as one of my favorite quotes puts it perfectly - "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it takes to achieve it. The time will pass anyway." 4) BE SPECIFIC - When we set that intention to have a portfolio valued at £10 million in ten years, we weren't specific enough. Because we didn't factor in things like interest rates, and lending, and mortgages. So while our property portfolio is worth £10 million now, OUR portion of that value - our equity - is not £10 million. If we could go back to 2012, I would have tweaked our goal to be "A property portfolio with a NET equity value of £10 million." It sounds a bit pedantic, but when you set a goal, you have to make sure it is the goal you want. That it is specific. No detail is too small. Because you WILL get what you want. So make sure it's exactly what you want, and nothing slips through the cracks. My friends, we all overestimate how much we can achieve in one year, and underestimate how much we can achieve in five years or ten years. And ten years after setting myself what felt like a genuinely impossible goal, I accomplished it. And if I can, you can. So get started. Because the time will pass anyway. Many years ago when I was starting my first business, I made a decision that unlocked much of the success that came after: I hired a cleaner. No, not a personal assistant, or a head of sales, or a lead negotiator - a cleaner.
You see, every Saturday, my partner and I would spend hours and hours cleaning our house. And those were hours and hours I could not spend building my business, working on my fitness, seeing friends and loved ones, or simply recharging. As a bootstrapping founder, I was throwing every hour of the day to my business's growth - and weekends were being wasted with a dustpan. So we hired cleaners. And reclaimed our precious time. And symbolically, that made all the difference in the world because now I wasn't just telling myself that I was a boss, I was behaving like one: I was spending money to make time, instead of spending time to make money. And this is a mindset shift that too many of us delay making. We hold on to being Chief Everything Officer in our work lives and home lives, and then we struggle with burnout and frustration and resentment. We strangle ourselves with The Perfectionist's Creed. And we tell ourselves we can - or should be able to - do everything (even the laundry!) when that's simply not true. Time is the one thing that everyone says they never have enough of, but we can all create time by letting go of the low-value tasks (business admin, house chores, email, etc) that clutter our lives, instead of clinging to them out of habit, or out of a sense that we're not worthy of the investment or because we've internalized the social pressures that expect women to be Martha Stewart, Mother Theresa, and Madeleine Albright all at the same time (enforced martyrdom is a plague, ladies, but we don't have to succumb). Whatever your dreams, your ambitions, your vision for your life, you can't get there by doing it all and under-valuing your time. To be a boss, you need to boss your time. It might start with something small, sure - for me, hiring cleaners was the first step, not the last! - but the mindset shift around valuing our time and buying it back can help us get to the top of wherever we choose to go. And that is anything but small. I have a confession to make: I am a people pleaser. I always have been. I was that kid in school who always got gold stars and straight-As. I was that annoying smarty-pants who would jump up and down in my chair with my hand thrust into the air to answer any question the teacher posed. I loved being the "teacher's pet" (and I was really good at it!), and that chronic-pleaser-syndrome has never totally gone away.
When I was starting my first business, I never had enough hours in a day for myself, my health, my business, or my loved ones but I was saying yes to endless requests for help or guidance or advice from others, often total strangers, because I didn't want to disappoint them. What an idiot! But after years of giving indiscriminately, I started to design boundaries into my business. I thought hard about how I could say no but still help as many people as possible in a way that felt sustainable and generous instead of leaving me feeling vulnerable and exploited. So I built generous giving into my business model: I do lots of free articles, You Tube videos, and webinars so I can help lots of people at the same time, and I do a set number of pro-bono hours to help a few budding entrepreneurs each year. And then, my one-on-one time is devoted to private paying clients who I can help in a very targeted and tailored way. Saying no wasn't easy and it sometimes made me feel like a jerk, but I finally started to acknowledge that having boundaries wasn't mean or selfish - it was realistic. Yes, it took time, and thought, and some uncomfortable conversations for me to get comfortable saying no, but now I am having a far greater impact on a far greater number of people because I am choosing carefully what I say yes and no to. And saying no has allowed me to help more people and be more focused. Win-win. So what can you say no to? What should you say no to? What boundaries can you establish so you can say no to some things and yes to others? What amount of no-saying is right for you and your business? Warren Buffet didn't become hugely successful by investing in every business brought before him. He says no as a rule, and sparingly uses his yes's. And while I can't promise that by saying no you'll become the next Warren Buffet, I can guarantee that when you get better at setting boundaries and saying no, you and your business will become more focused and disciplined, and focus and discipline are two of the most essential ingredients for success at anything. So the next time you feel yourself tempted to say yes to something, take a minute and ask yourself if you should simply say no instead. Back when I was a bright-eyed, first-time founder, I remember negotiating terms with a supplier and thinking to myself "Well, of course we expect things to be done affordably, quickly, AND perfectly... Duh!"
Yup, that was me. I was the client who expected the world but didn't want to pay for it. I was the maximalist with a minimalist budget. The one who lived in a dream where limited resources still got you limitless results. And you know what else? I was always the one who was disappointed when things took time (oh, SO much time...) or when the cost was greater than I was ready to pay or when the quality was below what I wanted. I wasn't being unreasonable, I thought, I just wanted it all. But as any three-year-old understands, you can't have all the things. And it wasn't until I was introduced to the Trinity that I found that out for myself. Now anyone who has had some experience with project management will recognize the Trinity. It is that secular force of nature, that powerful triumvirate, that all-knowing three-some called Time, Cost, and Quality. And the law of the Trinity dictates that we can only ever optimise or maximise two out of the three on any given task, project, or business. Want your bookkeeper to provide low-cost services and superior quality? Then expect a longer turnaround time. Want to have your next development project be flawless and quick? Then expect to pay a premium for it. Want to spend pennies on your marketing campaign and get it done quickly? Then expect the quality to be less-than-stellar. I know some of you might be thinking the way I did. You might think it defeatist to accept the reality of how the Trinity works. You might even think you and your business are the exception and you are going to show the Trinity up. And you would be wrong, my friend. Some things are just true. Some things aren't worth debating (water is necessary for life, gravity exists, the tax man cometh...) and trying to pretend those things ARE debatable is a foolish waste of time. The law of the Trinity is just another one of those truths. When I started accepting the law of the Trinity in my businesses, it made a huge difference. I made a conscious choice that Quality and Cost would be the two I optimised and accepted that Time would be the aspect I would have to be flexible on as a result. This not only reduced my stress levels (no more screaming down the phone demanding things be done yesterday!) it also made my cash flow projections realistic instead of hopeful (businesses don't operate well on hope). So let the Trinity be your reality check on how you plan and execute your business and your life. Work with the Trinity, not against it. Say goodbye to unrealistic expectations that don't serve you, your life, or your business. Accept the Trinity and use it to your advantage. And start saying Amen to that. A lot of the time when I am advising leaders and founders I find myself working with them to manage their expectations. Expectations about their companies, their employees, the market, themselves...
Now too often when people talk about "managing expectations" they conflate that with lowering expectations. But that is not how we do. As those of you who have been with me for a few years now will know, I am the last person you should come to if you want a reason to lower anything (especially your expectations of yourself). BUT, there is a fine art to keeping our expectations in touch with reality (again, not lowering them) by making sure we accept that we can't control everything, especially outcomes. And my version of managing expectations is all about controlling the controllable and letting the rest go. Here's what I mean. Whenever we set ourselves goals or put metrics in place for performance or "success" or achievement, we try to control too much. We put in arbitrary deadlines, nail down the exact process by which it must unfold, and try to plan every last detail. But the reality of life is that no one or nothing has any stake in making things happen the way we envision. Markets get shocked. Colleagues become difficult. Stakeholders disagree. And things take their own time (not the time we have allocated). Sure, we can try to gee things along at a faster pace, but there's only so much we can force. Sure, we can try to make something happen in 12 months, say, instead of 18 months, but there's only so much we can make happen. Reality, other people, external forces all get their say too. And that's why we have to learn to be laser focused on the what (the goal, the ambition, the dream, etc), but be far more open-minded and semi-agnostic about the how and the when. I'll give you a concrete example from my own life. When I was twenty, I had a conversation with my then-boyfriend about how I felt there was something "big" in store for me. That I felt I was called to do something that would have a powerful impact for good in the world. But that was as far as my "what" went. I didn't know the exact thing that would feel big and impactful. And I didn't try to force it. I explored, experimented, all that experiential stuff, for sure, but I didn't say "I must become the first woman President of the United States or else I'll be a failure" or "I have to head a Fortune 500 company or my career will be worthless". I decided the destination (do something that felt big to me, and that would have a positive impact) and then let the how and the when unfold. I worked as a math and English teacher, got a few Master's degrees, worked at the CIA, started two businesses of my own, started advising others, became an international speaker, became an author, and so many other things along the way. And now, only now, after decades of exploration and NOT trying to force-fit anything, I am realizing that aspiration to do something that feels big and important to me. I am helping others. I am speaking to big audiences. I am reaching thousands with my writing. I could never have predicted that this - my advisory work, my speaking, and my writing - would be the "how", and could never have predicted the time it would take me to get here. I decided what I cared about and then let my life and experiences open my eyes to new possibilities about how I could do what I felt called to do. This isn't to say meander and aimlessly float through life. I am saying the total opposite: have a very clear idea of where you are going BUT don't obsess over or try to force how it happens or when. You may miss out on a lot of magic if you close yourself off to the many ways in which your goals or ambitions can be realized. So decide the what, be clear and dead-set on it. But be open to the how, and the when. The ride will be truer and deeper if you don't always try to steer it or speed it up. As we look back at January and many of us finalize our plans and goals for the year ahead, I want to share some thoughts on the importance of developing - and then living by! - a personal inner scorecard.
Here's what I mean: I've said this before, but I hate social media. I hate the pressure of it and the superficiality of (much of) it. And I particularly hate the way the big tech companies consciously manipulate it - and manipulate us - to pull us apart, lock us into echo chambers, and amplify opposing ideas until the whole world and its complexity becomes reduced to binary and opposing factions. BUT, I also recognize that social media is just a tool. And like all tools, it can be used for good, or for evil. So as I’ve grappled with it, I’ve decided to use it for good. And on my terms. I don’t have gazillions of followers, I don't use gimmicks or bots to increase my reach, and I have a simple rule: if I use social media at all, it will be to share ideas that - I hope - add value to people's lives in some way. Share value, or say nothing. That's my rule. But it is a rule that goes against so much common business "wisdom". I am constantly bombarded by people who tell me I need to engage all day, "value bomb" other people's FB pages, get likes and follows by any means necessary, and systematically be everywhere all the time. But I don't. That's not who I am. That's not living my values. So that's not what I do. And that's the power of an inner scorecard. We make the rules for ourselves and then ignore the pulls of "industry practices", "SOPs", and all the other benchmarks that aren't relevant to us... or simply, aren't how we want to do things. We choose what's important to us and forget about the rest. We run our own race. Do things our way. And be who we are. Is it easy? Of course not. Is it without "cost"? No. Trade-offs are real. I am all too aware that by limiting my social media activity to what it is, I am losing out on potential clients, potential impact, potential business, and maybe a lot of other things too. But that is a trade-off I am willing to make. And that is what we all have to do when we live by our own measure. We have to acknowledge that we might not grow as big, we might not make as much money, we might not get all the clients (then again, we might get the growth, money, and clients that are right for us). And we have to be okay with whatever trade-offs we are making. So as you move through the rest of your year, decide who's going to keep score: you or someone else. Decide what counts as a "win" and what counts as a "loss." Decide. Choose. Keep your own scorecard and let everyone else keep theirs. |
Categories
All
Archives
March 2023
|
